Breda O’Brien: I punched Barbie in her perfect face and have no regrets

In a quiet corner at a family gathering, my youngest sister-in-law found me holding Barbie by her overlong legs while quietly and contemplatively punching her perfect, plastic face. Bam, bam, bam.

Since I am generally not given to violence, my sister-in-law made discreet enquiries about my alcohol intake (minimal) and general state of mental health (as well as may be expected).

“I just hate Barbie,” I explained. As a child, I was a member of that now-endangered species, tomboys. As a young woman, I hated Barbie for her anatomically impossible body and her vacuousness. (It was before Mattel discovered girl bosses sell well.)

Mind you, stereotypical Barbie may not take the prize as the worst role model doll ever, despite allegedly being based on the proportions of a German sex doll. There was also the short-lived Hasbro troll doll in 2020 that had a sensor between her legs. The packaging blurb only mentioned the button on her tummy, which played cute songs. When pressed, the sensor between the legs emitted a “whee!” and a gasp.

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Janey, being a girl child is complicated, isn’t it? There you are, just wanting some imaginative play, but toy manufacturers are busy rotting your brain with adult-inspired dodgy role models

The doll was rapidly withdrawn. In contrast, MGZ refused to withdraw its LOL Surprise doll, a toddler doll which when immersed in water was sometimes revealed to be wearing raunchy lingerie while sporting multiple tattoos.

MGZ are also the maker of Bratz, a line of dolls featuring pouty teenagers with giant heads which was explicitly launched to counter Barbie, but whose obsessions seemed still to be fashion and make-up.

Janey, being a girl child is complicated, isn’t it? There you are, just wanting some imaginative play, but toy manufacturers are busy rotting your brain with adult-inspired dodgy role models designed to part your parents from more and more of their disposable income.

Plastic perfection

There are spoilers for Greta Gerwig’s Barbie ahead, so you may wish to wait until you have dressed up in pink and gone to see it before reading on. Most of the best gags are in the trailers, anyway.

After a nod to Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, the film focuses on Barbieland, Gerwig’s wryly knowing take on an alternative universe, a platonic ideal of pink, plastic perfection, where all the Barbies live their best lives every day and Ken’s day is made if Barbie notices him.

Barbies rule the world as presidents, surgeons and astronauts, and they stage epic choreographed dance routines in sparkly costumes every night.

Gerwig has an acute eye for cultural details. Perhaps it was growing up with Just Dance, a wildly popular video game where people follow the on-screen choreography, or just the euphoria of synchronised dancing, but millennials and Gen Z sure love a complicated dance routine.

There is a catch, though. Barbieland is affected by events in the real world. Specifically, Barbie (the archetypal blonde, white Barbie, played to perfection by Margot Robbie) is affected by the dark, depressive imaginings of a lowly receptionist, Gloria (America Ferrera) who works at Mattel.

Barbie can be read on so many levels, from the existential angst of America Ferrara’s speech about the multiple contradictions involved in being a woman, to the wry acknowledgement that any subversion of Barbie will simply lead to more ringing of the tills for Mattel

In Gerwig’s universe, were I the unlikely possessor of a much-loved Barbie doll, punching it in the face would have led to catastrophic consequences for the platonic ideal of Barbie. This is a nod to the complicated relationship girls and women have with Barbie as an inescapable cultural icon.

Frankly, although a visual delight with some great gags, Gerwig’s Barbie is a bit of a mess. Obviously, Gerwig was balancing multiple concerns – how much could she subvert Mattel’s major earner without alienating the owners of the intellectual property, how could she make a film for little girls (and their grown-up selves) for whom Barbie was an uncomplicated pleasure without annoying women who hate Barbie, and still make a funny, thoughtful, crowd-pleasing commercial success?

Barbie can be read on so many levels, from the existential angst of America Ferrara’s speech about the multiple contradictions involved in being a woman, to the wry acknowledgment that any subversion of Barbie will simply lead to more ringing of the tills for Mattel.

Uneven mess

It can be read on so many levels that being an uneven mess might also be claimed to be part of the plan, as an articulation of the difficulty of being a human being in the 21st century. Not just a woman, but a human being. Ken, on the face of it an empty-headed jock, is treated with some sympathy, even when he is taking over Barbieland with a horse-themed version of patriarchy.

[ Barbie review: Margot Robbie is explosive in Greta Gerwig’s lurid assault on senses ]

[ Barbie reviews: What are critics saying about Greta Gerwig’s doll comedy? ]

Simple, if confining gender roles have been discarded in our world in favour of mind-melting complexity and the nagging sense that you should be self-actualising at all times.

In a post-religious world, friendship and a highly developed sense of the absurd are the only available protection against questions such as what happens when we die.

The film ultimately embraces the messiness of being human, but the subtext is that no matter what we do, we can’t escape the capitalist hamster wheel of relentless consumption. Put it this way: no matter how likable Gerwig, Robbie and Gosling are, there was nothing in the film that made me regret punching Barbie in her tiny, perfect, hollow face.