Kitty is right about two things: living together is not so out of the ordinary nowadays, and going through a meaningless marriage ceremony for appearances would be wrong. But is living together an option?
It is well-documented that people who live together before marriage are much more likely to divorce later on. Kitty says they are not ready yet to marry. Why? Are they not ready to make a commitment to each other? She says they love each other.
However, let's answer Kitty's question. How can she live with her boyfriend without hurting her parents? The short answer is - she can't. And why not? She will get the answer to that when she has children of her own. By then she will hopefully be married and so give her children a secure home - just like her parents did.
- Mary O'Neill, Scotstown, Co Monaghan
You may have generous, kind parents, but be wary of people who are so conservative and conventional. They always have their own agenda, in this case a fear of change and the loss of control over your life. It's not a question of you not hurting them - they already feel affronted and seem to have made the inevitable attempts to preserve their cosy status quo by the laying on of guilt - a typical ploy.
You must break the pattern by living an independent life with the man you love. It's wonderful to share your life with a person in this way. Apart from needing to learn to come to terms with the change, your parents may also succeed in drawing on some generosity of spirit instead of discouraging you from a chance of happiness and independence. They should all be celebrating!
One thing: make sure you have a plan B in case things don't work out with Tony.
- Miriam Walker, Wexford
You know very well there is no way you can move in with your boyfriend without hurting, offending and mortifying your ageing parents. If you feel you must take this momentous step, then take it, but be prepared to accept full responsibility for the inevitable results.
In my opinion you should continue your association with you boyfriend and whether or not that involves a physical relationship is entirely a private matter. Statistics show that the surest way to end a romantic affair is for the happy couple to set up home together, thus enabling each to experience the frailties of the other without the protective shield of matrimony. Every successful marriage is so only because those involved have worked hard at it, and did not succumb to the temptation to walk out after the first tiff.
My advice is: don't do it, but if you do, move as far away from your home as possible. That way your parents won't have their noses rubbed in it day in and day out, and surely they are entitled to that minor consideration.
- W. G. A. Scott, Friars Hill, Wicklow
Kitty sounds a very considerate young woman, who is concerned with not offending her parents, yet needs to leave home and live with her boyfriend. It is not an unreasonable expectation. May I suggest that, rather than being brutally frank with her parents about "living in sin", a little tact might help?
What about telling them she plans to "share a house" with Tony? It might only require a sofa or futon bed in the lounge, to give the illusion that they don't sleep together. They could even have a flatmate, real or imagined, depending on how often her parents visit. She will need to consider how near to her parents she wants to live, and also how often she will visit them or they will visit her. When her parents visit, she and Tony should appear to be "flat-mates" rather than "newlyweds."
- G.P.F., Drumcondra, Dublin
Kitty is not going to like my solution to her problem one little bit, and she will think me an old-fashioned, square, right-wing, traditional, conservative "ould wan" out of the Ark, which, in her liberal and liberated opinion, I dare say I am!
I have no idea to which faith, if any, Kitty belongs, but her parents and family seem to be God-fearing people with principles and, at the risk of hurting Kitty's feelings, I am going to say that I think she is a very selfish girl.
She intends to live with Tony, whatever her poor parents think or feel. She knows she is going to cause them great pain. Why has she not the guts and moral courage to wait for Tony until she is ready for marriage?
Living together before marriage may be the "done thing" today by some Bright Young Things. But it brings its own stresses and problems, and solves nothing. If Kitty really loves and respects her parents, and indeed Tony as well, she will wait for a meaningful and truly happy marriage. There are still some young people with morals, and chastity is still fashionable, believe it or not. I am sure Tony will understand and respect Kitty's decision. And, after all, she's only 24!
I wish her good luck and happiness.
- Vera Hughes, Moate, Co Westmeath
Nowadays there are many kinds of relationships and lesbian couples are having babies without recourse to a man because of the technology. Tell your parents they should be delighted you are in a male/female relationship and you are over 21. You can show them the answers to Maeve's column to confirm how acceptable living together is today. Good luck.
- Mona O'Brien, Rathmines, Dublin 6
I think Kitty, at 24, is old enough to make her own decisions about her future, whether others think they're right or not. As moving in with Tony is going to cause much distress to her parents, may I suggest an alternative? It's not unusual for girls of Kitty's age to find living at home with parents stifling and at times difficult. Why doesn't Kitty announce to her parents that she has decided to move into a flat on her own? This way she could invite Tony to stay over as often and for as long as she likes.
- Carol Barry, Leopardstown Heights, Dublin 18