Santa needs more elves; luckily, a college in Lapland offers a course, writes Derek Scally.
Help is at hand for anyone dithering over their CAO application. Why waste your youth studying agricultural science when you can take a one-year course in how to become an elf in Lapland? Lapland Vocation College in the provincial capital, Rovaniemi, is gearing up to offer the first-ever course in "elfing" from next April. The college hopes the course - free of charge - will reverse the dramatic decline in elf numbers in the region.
Successful candidates will spend a year learning about the history of Lapland, the history of elves and the secrets of the traditional Christmas.
"Elves have to have the right attitude and be customer-oriented," said project manager Kari Rekilä. "The elf may be the only contact visitors have with Lapland, so it's important people go home with happy memories."
Christmas tourism is big business in Lapland, and another 500 elves are needed to act as guides to visitors. More than 600 charter planes arrived from Britain and Ireland alone last season. The Finnish tourist authority clocked up 829,000 foreign visitor hotel stays in Lapland in 2006 - including more than 8,000 Irish overnighters. This year's season, which begins again next week and runs until mid-January, is expected to be even bigger.
The typical elf day involves meeting guests in full elf costume at the airport and providing them with warm clothes against the temperatures outside, which can drop to minus 30 degrees. The visitors are brought to the forest where daddy can drive a snow-plough or the reindeer-driven sleigh. Other possibilities include an elf-led snowshoe hike or a fishing trip in a frozen lake. The day ends by crossing the Arctic Circle to visit Santa.
Rekilä is anxious to reverse common misconceptions about elfing. "In your history in Ireland you think that elves are very small. But we have a lot more snow up here so our elves are taller."
Anyone contemplating the elf's life would do well to read Santaland Diaries, a short story by American humorist David Sedaris. He worked for one season as Crumpet the elf at Macy's department store in New York, site of 22,000 Santa visits each day, and where the golden rule is: "It is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment." He recalls one mother ordering Crumpet to tell her bold son that he risked getting coal in his stocking.
"I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal," he said, telling the boy instead: "if you're bad, Santa comes to your house and steals things." When another child hissed "I'm going to get you fired", Crumpet replied: "And I'm going to get you killed."
The idea of an Elf Academy didn't impress recovering ex-elves in Dublin yesterday. "I can't understand how anyone can make a career out of being an elf," said Rachael (not her real name), a former elf in a major city centre shopping centre. She had a bad experience with a Santa she describes as "a racist alcoholic".
"We need an academy for Santas, not elves. I remember one boy coming out, asking, 'Mam, why does Santy smell like a pub?'"
BACK IN LAPLAND, most of the big tour operators are feeling the pinch from the elf shortage. Arctic Safari employs 250 elves each year - when they can find them.
"Many of them pretend to be normal people during the year - engineers, housewives and even doctors - who take time off work to be themselves," says Sami Paivike, development director of Arctic Safari. "They have to be quite young and have to be able to learn magic things like walking on snow without leaving footprints. And with so many people visiting Santa, they have to have a good knowledge of safety issues, too."
The reason for the recent shortage of elves, apart from the surge in visitors, is perhaps related to the fact that elf wages start at just €7.50 an hour. Paivike says most of their elves don't seem to mind the modest payment.
"They have a big responsibility in one of the most important seasons," he said. "And the elves have a union keeping watch on hours and payment. But I don't know how Santa's operations are financed. I just know he's not willing to make any profit with it."
Applications to: kari.rekila@lao.fi www.arcticsafaris.fi