Rumours persist that preacher seen alive

Jerusalem 33 A.D. - Rumours that the preacher Jesus, who was crucified in Jerusalem some weeks ago, has since been seen alive continue to persist.

A spokesman for the High Priest Dr Caiaphas said the office had been "driven to distraction" by queries from people inquiring whether the preacher was really dead at all. "He is dead, dead, dead," he said.

The rumours have been fuelled by the continued absence of the preacher's body. Investigations have so far failed to locate the preacher's grave/sepulchre or indeed any unacknowledged newly dug ground/or newly-occupied sepulchre in the whole of Galilee.

"We must accept that the body of Jesus has been buried in some secret location, possibly the desert," said the High Priest's spokesman. He also said that the village of Bethany had been searched, but to no avail. It is where Jesus's close friends Lazarus, Mary, and Martha live.

"For reasons that are not yet clear it appears members of the `Jesus Campaign' have hidden the body," said the spokesman.

This has been vigorously denied by members of the campaign. Jesus's deputy Simon, now known as Peter, said he had himself met Jesus since he was crucified. "In fact we have met him three times since the crucifixion," said Peter.

"On the day his body was reported missing he visited us in Jerusalem. A week later he did so again. That time Thomas put his fingers where the nails had been in his hands and where he had been pierced in the side," he said. Thomas corroborated this.

"And we met him again on the shores of Lake Galilee. We - myself, Thomas, Nathanael, James and John - were fishing there when we saw him on the shore. He called out to us to fish on the right side of the boat. When we did we weren't able to haul in the net. There were 153 fish in it and still it didn't break. He told us bring some fish with us when we went to him. He had set a fire and was cooking on it. He also had bread for us. `Come on, have breakfast,' he said," recalled Peter, "and we did."

His recollection was corroborated by Thomas, Nathanael, John, and James, all members of the Jesus Campaign team. They also said Jesus reinstated Peter as his lieutenant.

This surprised them, they claimed, as Peter had denied ever knowing Jesus after the preacher was arrested and prior to his crucifixion.

"This is all simply ludicrous," said the High Priest's spokesman. "Is it not peculiar that the only people who claim to have seen Jesus since he was executed and - hardly coincidental - since his body went missing, are all members of the Jesus Campaign?" he asked.

"It seems clear to me these people wish to persist in deluding innocent people and to continue where Jesus left off with their simplistic explanations, their suspect `miracles', and their crude blasphemies. They should realise we cannot allow this sort of thing to continue. Simon, Peter, or whatever he calls himself now, must think we are all fools. This is a man who abandoned and denied he knew Jesus. Three times! What credibility can he have?

"It's all so fantastic it would be hilarious if it weren't for the fact that there are people who might well believe this nonsense. Jesus is dead. He is still dead, and he will remain dead. Is it not somewhat unlikely that an uneducated carpenter's son from Nazareth would be the first man in history to rise from the dead? But of course he himself tried to get away with similar claims.

"It was said he raised the daughter of a rabbi from the dead and, most notoriously of all, there was the case of his friend Lazarus. People should have a bit of sense and recognise all this nonsense for what it is - a bid for power. Towards what end we know not," he said.