MIND MOVES: A model who walked down the catwalk with tears in her eyes became headline news, writes TERRY LYNCH
WITHIN MUCH of the developed world including Ireland, there exists a powerful form of subtle, pervasive control – the censorship of the expression of emotion.
Most of us have become so accustomed to this censorship that we may not recognise its existence; we accept and subscribe to it without thought, without protest. I was reminded of this censorship while watching Sky News recently. One of the news items covered concerned a model.
Apparently, this model was seen to have tears in her eyes as she walked down the catwalk. The news presenter informed the world that the model left the catwalk, changed her clothes and returned to the catwalk, crying all the while.
A spokesperson for the model assured the press after the fashion show that the model had definitely not been crying. The newsreader reassured the public that if they received any further updates on the story they would broadcast them without delay.
All this fuss over a few tears. That model sure had guts to allow herself to be seen crying in public. I do hope she still has her job.
The clear message from the Sky report was that to cry so publicly in such circumstances was entirely inappropriate and newsworthy, a view corroborated by her spokesperson after the fashion show. Had the model been laughing, it is unlikely that she would have hit the headlines.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you; weep and you weep alone.” These opening lines of the poem Solitude by Ella Wheeler Wilcox are as true today as when she penned them in 1883.
I see examples of this censorship every day in my work as a psychotherapist. I often wonder if there would be such a need for counselling, psychotherapy and medication if as a society we had a more rounded, tolerant and mature attitude to the expression of emotions.
Sadness and tears are particularly poorly tolerated. When we are moved to tears by a momentous event such as Ireland’s recent marvellous rugby success, these tears of joy are rightly tolerated and indeed welcomed.
Tears of sorrow are a different kettle of fish however. We may well accept other people’s tears once we know why they are crying, so long as from our own perspective the reasons justify the tears and sorrow.
Even when we accept that the person has good reason to be sad such as following a bereavement, our tolerance for their tears often runs out quickly, usually long before the person’s grieving process has reached its conclusion. “Shouldn’t they be over it by now?” is a common thought in this situation.
As with any form of prohibition, the lives of many people are affected by this veto on emotions, not least young men, who learn at an early age that tears equate with weakness.
Most of us are affected to some degree though we may not notice this, so great is the scale to which this ban has been accepted and integrated into everyday life. The people who are most affected are those who experience a great deal of sadness, including those who are suicidal.
There are a number of organisations such as the Samaritans who provide an excellent listening and support service for people in great distress. The very fact that people have to turn to such organisations when in crisis highlights the lack of acceptance and understanding of these emotions in everyday life.
People experiencing great sadness and tearfulness may consequently feel the need to withdraw from society, believing that there is no place for them in it anymore.
Fearing judgment and rejection, they may cut contact with friends and activities. Already isolated by the intensity of their distress, their isolation is augmented by their belief and experience that they no longer fit in.
When people cry we may feel helpless, not knowing how to be or what to do. Panicked by the person’s expression of such raw emotion, we frantically search our minds for a solution, anything to get them to stop crying. If no solution is obvious, we may just focus on getting them to stop crying anyway. Yet, tears are an appropriate expression of sadness, loss and grief.
We are all diminished by this veto on emotions. Sooner or later we are all affected by it, most of us anyway. Our challenge might be to increasingly honour our own emotional needs, if we can become aware of them rather than honour the dictat that “thou shalt not express painful emotions”.
We need not be so fearful of tears, other people’s or our own. When we cry, we honour our sadness.
After a bout of crying, we experience some relief, some closure. If someone cries in front of you, your very presence is often enough. You don’t have to do much; being a witness to the person’s sadness is a powerful act in itself.
A societal change of heart regarding sadness, crying and the expression of emotions may have unexpectedly beneficial effects for many people, enabling them to find their place within society again, back in from the cold.
Dr Terry Lynch is a psychotherapist and GP in Limerick