THAT'S MEN:With Christmas Day two weeks away, separated fathers need to look at what their involvement with their children will be over this emotionally laden period.
In my opinion, most mothers are willing to make reasonable arrangements in the interests of their children even if they are in serious conflict with the father. Most of what I write here assumes some level of reasonable behaviour on both sides. It also assumes that the children are living with the mother.
Sorting out Christmas starts with communication. If you cannot discuss arrangements directly with the mother, perhaps a friend or relative can help.
Please do not ask your children to carry messages back and forth. If some of the arrangements are being made directly with the children by text message, I think it's important to clear them with the mother beforehand.
Christmas is an emotionally laden time but it is also a time of making choices and it is important to keep that word in mind. Some of the choices you need to think about: When will you see the children? Does it have to be on Christmas Day? Might another day, such as St Stephens's Day, work better for all concerned? What presents will you get them?
It's helpful if some measure of communication enables both parents to agree on this issue. Disagreement on presents is a common source of conflict between parents. It's definitely an area for negotiation and compromise so that the whole experience doesn't get caught up in a power struggle. If buying the latest smartphone is going to undermine your ex, then think again.
Who will be involved? If you are going to the children's home on Christmas Day, who else will be there? If their mother has a new partner, will he be there? If the children are coming to your home, will your new partner or girlfriend be there?
There may be no perfect answer, which is why I'm not suggesting one - but at least think about these issues in advance.
Will the children see both sets of grandparents? They will probably want to, and the grandparents will probably want to see them so this, again, needs to be worked out with respect for the needs of all concerned. Has the family had traditions in the past, such as visiting the cemetery on Christmas Day or St Stephen's Day? Can this still be done? Keeping up old Christmas traditions can help everyone to get through this season relatively unscathed. Are your children living with other children? If so, it is important to include these other children in Christmas presents. Otherwise, you risk driving a wedge between two sets of children who have to live with each other for most of the year.
If working out Christmas arrangements is very complicated, do you have somebody you can use as a sounding board and source of advice? When it comes to advice in situations like this, you need to be careful who you are getting it from. I would avoid those who have a habit of winding up conflict. What you want is somebody with the ability to see more than one point of view at a time and who would rather reduce conflict than increase it.
What if none of this works? Then you must accept that Christmas Day is just that - a day. There will be other times for seeing the kids and making them feel special. And a day will come, too, when they will be able to make their own decisions as to who to see and when to see them.
PADRAIG O'MORAIN(pomorain@yahoo.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.