THAT's MEN:Support groups can help when coping with grief after death by suicide, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN.
SUICIDE BRINGS a special, shocking and bleak form of bereavement to those left behind. How can they best cope with this terrible event?
There is no one answer because different people grieve differently. But a website, called healthtalkonline (www.healthtalkonline.org, click on “Living with dying” and then on “Bereavement due to suicide”) is worth visiting if you are bereaved.
It’s an award-winning website which gives people an opportunity to tell their stories about a range of health issues including suicide.
Mike was 18 when his father killed himself by inhaling car exhaust fumes. The despair, sorrow and perplexity this brought him was “just like you’ve been churned around in a huge washing machine”.
Later, as a psychiatric social worker, he helped start up a support group for people bereaved by suicide. He believes such support groups are very valuable.
“I think it’s knowing that you’re not alone with these feelings and emotions, that other people have gone through this as well and understand you, that’s the therapy of it really,” he says.
In Ireland, Console is one of the main organisations supporting people bereaved by suicide. You can find out about local Console (www.console.ie) groups through its helpline at 1800 201 890.
Mike also strongly recommends a book called A Special Scar by Alison Wertheimer, a psychologist who lost her sister to suicide.
Bob’s son, Darren, hanged himself at 19. Today Bob and his wife visit the grave every week. “We look after the grass up there, we cut the grass, that’s all I can do now for Darren; just look after him, after his plot, his garden, if you like, it’s his garden.”
He finds an internet support group Parents of Suicides (www.parentsofsuicide.com) very helpful. Every night he visits the internet website Suicide Memorial Wall (www.suicidememorialwall.com) which scrolls across the screen the names of people who have died by suicide in the current month. Visitors to the website can offer emotional support to each other.
He and his wife have a meal beside their son’s grave each year on the anniversary of his death. Sometimes they release balloons with a message to Darren attached.
People bereaved by suicide should be allowed by friends to talk about it, he says. And friends should not expect them to return to being the people they were before. “We’re not the same people we were, we never will be the old Bob, the old Lynda,” he says. “And you can’t have those back. Part of you has died and your life becomes different.”
And he cautions bereaved people against making important decisions for the first year after the suicide. “Do not do anything drastic for the first 12 months. Do not move house, wait for 12 months and see what you feel like then. When this first happened Lynda wanted to get out of this house, but after a while she realised this was the place that had the most memories of him.”
Here are some other points from those who tell their stories on the website, intended to help people bereaved by suicide:
- Look for others who have had a similar experience.
- Read books or stories about others who have been bereaved.
- Seeing other people can help but don’t feel you have to join in social activities before you are ready.
- Try not to lock yourself away.
- Not everyone is the same – all emotions are valid.
- Allow yourself to be angry or sad or even laugh if you want to.
- Talk about the person you lost.
- Remember the good times.
- If you feel you need space, take time off work but go back to work if that keeps your mind off sad thoughts.
- Tell colleagues that you might need time away from work from time to time.
Children:
- Tell the truth – your children need to trust you.
- You will find the words to tell your children what has happened.
- Make a memory box.
- If you have lost a child make sure your other children know that they are special.
Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Thats Men, the best of the Thats Men, column from The Irish Times, is published by Veritas. pomorain@ireland.com