The audience braced itself as the first speaker approached the microphone. She wore pale pink sweatpants and was 11 years old. "I was just 10 when my parents split. They were tearing each other apart. None of us could talk to each other. I got mad and sad and confused," she said.
Her audience, newly divorced or separated, many still mired in vicious disputes, listened in silent dismay to a child's eye view of their adult battleground.
This dialogue approach from Maryland, in the US, is being increasingly ordered by American courts at a time when one in two marriages there founder. Should it happen here? Over 13,000 Irish couples have been granted divorce or judicial separation since 1995, with thousands more living apart. While it is professionally recognised that how marriages end crucially affects children, it's still a difficult message for hurting parents to hear.
One in three referred for child guidance has problems arising from marriage breakdown, with some barely out of nappies. "The American seven-year itch has become the four-year itch; we find parents are splitting up earlier here also," says psychotherapist and social worker, John Sharry.
"They part, perhaps with children from age two or three years old - who are used to having two parents at home. They can forget the big effect on the child when one parent leaves. A happy, coping child can change dramatically. Young siblings may not be able to talk about what they're going through. This is a big thing and can't be emphasised enough. Children's security can be fundamentally undermined at separation. They fear they will lose both parents. I worry particularly where children are 'good', don't say what they need, or feel they must take sides."
John Sharry, single, Peter Reid, married, and Eugene Donohoe, a separated dad, work with children and families in child and adolescent mental health services in Dublin. Together they have written When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Cope, a handbook of support, understanding and good sense for parents.
How separation affects children depends on their age, personality, place in the family, relationship with their parents and how they experienced the marriage.
What do children say when it's safe to speak? "They say a mixture of things, a lot of it around loss. One little boy of six said he wanted to die. I remember another grieving for a paternal grandmother to whom he was very close, and now never saw," says Sharry.
Cognitive, solution-focused therapy, looks at the best way forward, rather than a long trawl through the past. "My aim is to facilitate communication between children and parents. I don't feel judgmental, most parents genuinely do their best, but sometimes they are hurting so much it is very difficult for them," says Sharry.
"Many children worry about their parents. Sometimes it may be too much to say to Mum or Dad. I have to respect the child's confidentiality in that; telling me can help them manage. Parents in acrimonious splits often say 'what is the single biggest thing I can do to help my child?' When I reply 'get on with your ex-partner', some don't want to hear, and may ask, 'well, what's the next biggest thing I can do?'
"We try to help them see what they are doing. An American study showed that when parents were asked if they bad-mouthed each other, they said hardly ever, yet when their kids were asked to fill in the same questionnaire, they said 'all the time'! "
However, Sharry's work has given him a tremendous respect for parents and children. "Though children can be put through so much, they show great courage and resilience and, with the support of their parents, can take steps to move on. I am always touched by how children, when listened to and given space, can forgive, and continuously impressed by the many parents who can put aside their own hurt and grief, and focus on their child's needs to create a new living situation.
"Couples are sometimes taken aback when they hear the impact of their conflict on children. They may have suspected it, but each can feel powerless when facing the other parent. Each can come in with very different stories, very hurt narratives, I can listen to both."
Mary Lloyd is service co-ordinator of the Family Mediation Service, which helps parents rehearse how to tell children they plan to separate, and can see children alone to give them a voice. "We would only invite children whose parents can hear and meet what is said. We act as mediators. What children tend to say is 'I wish the two of you could stop fighting', or 'I would like to spend more time with Mum or Dad' as the case may be. Simple messages, but very powerful," she says.
A worrying aspect of separation is that within a few years, one in two fathers have lost touch with their children. "The saddest thing is when conflict is so high that contact cannot be maintained," says John Sharry, who goes on to speak of a five-year-old who lost contact with her very caring dad because each time he came to visit, the parents rowed badly. "In those situations, fathers may need to be creative - keep in contact by phone, by e-mail, keep a diary for your children. Sometimes all we can do is to try to support the context and leave the door open," he advises.
One of the most helpful sections in the book sets out a business model of communicating for co-parenting ex-partners. This fosters mutual independence and respect, focused communication, effective negotiation, and finding mutually beneficial solutions.
Sharry reserves much ire for our judicial system. "With some lawyers, it's charge and counter-charge, making things more difficult than they already are. The court system, which seems to profit from human misery, makes my blood boil. Getting one over is no victory, you lose if you win. Our book would be based on the principles of conflict resolution, particularly the guidelines on negotiating with each other," he says.
In some US states, separating couples must do a course in post-marital parenting, and the results are encouraging. "More support here at time of break-up would help parents look at what is best for the children," he says. "We would say 'don't refuse access unless there are objectively good reasons, get support for yourself and your child'. There are huge numbers of children affected by family break up now, it's tough out there. If we could give more support to parents, we would be covering a lot of bases at the same time."
When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Cope by John Sharry, Peter Reid and Eugene Donohoe. Veritas. £5.99
Family Mediation Service Dublin. Telephone: 01-8728277. Limerick, 061-312232.