AS PARENTS, we are often more comfortable if we try to deny or block out some aspects of reality. If subjects are difficult to talkbout with our children, we act as if we believe "the less they know, the less they will be affected".
Some subjects become taboo in our families; they are brushed under the carpet or sidestepped if any attempt is made by our children to introduce them.
Many of us refuse - or are very reluctant - to talk about subjects such as sex and sexuality, drugs and drug abuse, the use and abuse of alcohol, child abuse, pornography, homosexuality, AIDS, bodily development and functions and mental illness.
Yet contact with some or all of these topics is almost impossible to avoid as our children go about their daily lives. Information about them is widely and openly communicated through the mass media - newspapers, radio, TV, magazines, the pervasive video cassette, the Internet and even in the everyday conversation of people of all ages.
They won't go away just because we would like them to. Educating ourselves and our children is the best way of dealing with them.
Discussing sexual development with our children creates problems for many of us. Many of us are not comfortable with the topic and would prefer to leave it to others. Perhaps we feel shy because of our own experience, or lack of experience, in sex education. We may feel that in some way we will not give the correct information, that we'll tell them too much or too little.
We may be fearful of increasing our children's interest in sex. We may be shy about our own sexuality. We may also take it for granted that it will be dealt with adequately in school and our intervention is unnecessary.
However, the reality is that if we do not deal with the subject - or if our children sense that we are, for whatever reason, reluctant to do so - we may create some anxieties in them about sex and their own sexuality. If they cannot come to us, their knowledge of and attitudes to sex will be picked up from the media - which often provide mixed messages - or from peers who may themselves be grappling with the subject.
WE DON'T HAVE to be experts, or have very precise language to guide, direct and advise our children. We have the information. We have values and attitudes which we can communicate if we open ourselves to our children. As long as we are honest and genuine we will assist them to become better informed, to be comfortable with themselves and their sexuality and to develop responsible attitudes.
Good communication between our children and ourselves is vital at all stages of their development, but it is particularly important and - unfortunately - often very difficult at puberty.
Changes such as growth of body hair, rapid physical development, menstruation and nocturnal emissions are a whole new world, and may cause embarrassment or even guilt if they are not understood. If teenagers become aware, or suspect, that they are developing at a slower or faster rate than their peers, they can become very anxious and worried.
It is important that our children understand the changes that occur at different times for different people.
Many parents with whom I have discussed this subject have indicated that their explanations are nearly always taken very calmly and without embarrassment - as just another part of growing up. They also say their children come back to them for information or discussion after the lines of communication are opened.
I was very surprised that a subject such as menstruation had been over looked and had not been discussed by some parents and their teenage children. I have encountered well cared for girls, with excellent parents from a range of socio economic backgrounds, becoming very distressed in school when menstruation started - they had no idea of what was happening to them.
A simple explanation by the parents to prepare these children could have prevented problems for both sides - and, believe me, there were real problems.
There was an added difficulty for some girls in reconciling the fact that menstruation is inevitable and natural with the fact that they hadn't been given any information about it. The whole question of trust also arose.
NOWADAYS, DRUGS are widely available in almost every area of the country. Our children need guidance and support as they decode the different messages that they are getting from different sources about drugs.
Drugs are big business, providing a lot of money for the people who supply and distribute them. It is in their interest of these people to sell drugs to anyone, and great efforts are made to interest young people in using drugs. I know of free and/or cut rate drugs being given to teenagers.
Drug use is made to appear very grown up and exciting. Myths are retailed about the non addictive nature of some drugs. Some of the teenage heroes in the pop world talk openly about their own "recreational" drug habits - and these people are often role models for success. All of our children are vulnerable.
Problems can be avoided if we are proactive in this area. We can introduce the topic and make sure that we are available for our children if they need to discuss anything, ranging from basic information to issues of addiction. If we don't have answers ourselves, there are agencies with a wealth of information.
We all try to give our children a loving and caring home. Part and parcel of this is listening to them, encouraging them to express themselves freely and comfortably and exploring subjects with them. We can create the atmosphere where our children feel safe, secure and comfortable to come to us with their successes, their concerns, their doubts, their worries, their hopes, their dreams and their queries.
Everything has to be on the agenda. Our motto should be: "If it's on your mind and you want to talk to me about it, please make sure you do so."
