Q&A

Your questions answered by Education Correspondent Kathryn Holmquist.

My child keeps coming home from primary school, complaining "nobody likes me". Sometimes she says: "Nobody will play with me". She was in tears last night, telling me that she didn't want to go to school anymore.

This is a serious complaint. The playground is a complex little political world where children need a relatively sophisticated ability to pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues. "Nobody likes me" or "nobody will play with me" could mean that your child wants to be the leader of any game she plays, or that she doesn't like playing the super-size game of chasing that erupts nearly every break-time. Or, it could mean that she doesn't know how to play the games that the other children are enjoying.

Find out what games the other children are playing and make sure that your child knows how to play hopscotch, for example. In many schools, playtime can become a free for all and some children can feel isolated. An inability to relate to and play with other children can also be a symptom of some special learning disabilities.

Talk with your child's teacher about this. The teacher should have some useful observations to make about your child's behaviour during playtimes.

I was cleaning under my 15-year-old son's bed and found some pornographic videos. I felt angry and shocked and wanted to cry, all at the same time. I haven't a clue what to say to him.

The fact that you haven't said anything yet, is a good thing. When you've had a strong emotional reaction like that you are better off calming down for 24 hours, at least, before you talk with your son. This problem isn't the same as an imminent physical danger where you must do something immediately. You can take your time with this one, because, chances are, he's watched those videos already and the harm has been done.

My suggestion is to sit down with your son, preferably in a calm, safe environment, and have a talk. Without losing your temper, tell your son that you found the videos - and expect him to feel mortified (wouldn't you?).

He may express his embarrassment in anger or tears. You'll probably hear: "But everybody watches them!" Tell him how you feel about such material and why. For example, you may want to say: "I am concerned that by watching pornography you will think that sex is supposed to be violent and degrading. Or, even, that women enjoy rape. It matters to me that you are able to enjoy sex in a healthy relationship, when the time is right. Please don't think that you need an intimate knowledge of female anatomy in order to be intimate. The way people behave in these videos doesn't reflect the reality of a genuine relationship".

These are my words, of course. You will have your own. The most important thing is to remain cool and non-judgmental. Your son needs to know that you still love him as much as ever and that if he has questions about sex, he can turn to you.

e-mail your questions to kholmquist@irish-times.ie