Parenting can be learned

At the beginning of the summer, I put up a large tent for the children at the bottom of the garden in the hope they would create their own world, giving me an hour or two of peace in the house. By summer's end, it was I who was holed up in the tent on my mobile telephone, clinging to some vestige of adulthood, having finally surrendered to household chaos, muttering to myself: "I wasn't trained for this."

Parenting is the only job that comes without an education. Which is why more parents are taking courses to help give them some insights into their own parenting styles. Caitriona Lynch, mother of seven children, aged three to 18, took a parenting course at Froebel College of Education five years ago and earned a two-year diploma. Now she teaches on the course, along with psychologists, family therapists and other experts.

She originally went into the course thinking that she was going to learn to "handle" and "control" her children, and discovered that what she really needed to learn to handle was her own psychological baggage. "I went in looking for a how-to manual and came out with a character analysis of myself," she says.

For example, Caitriona used to get unreasonably uptight about her children's refusal to keep the house as tidy as she asked. Her expectations, she learned on the course, were exaggerated and unrealistic.

When she was growing up, her mother worked outside the home and Caitriona was expected to clean up after her brother and young male family friend who also lived in the house. Caitriona did as she was told, but she always resented it.

"I learned that my resentment from cleaning up after my brother and the friend was carried over into my relationship with my children. What I was really reacting to was the lack of support which I felt, and I was expecting from the children an adult response. I was not allowing my children to be children," she says.

"Once I saw this, I could deal with the resentment and put it away and my whole attitude to that area of tidiness changed."

Many parents have the attitude that they are supposed to "put their kids right" and "train" them into behaving in a certain way. Other parents are so stressed out that they stop trying and end up running around in circles to please their children, with the result that they give their children too many choices.

Caitriona has now learned to parent constructively and consistently, and teaches other parents how to do the same. "I've learned that I am doing well if I can communicate with my children and they can see me as someone to depend on and trust, who is human with flaws, but who is constant. If I am someone who is consistent with affection, consistent with discipline and consistent with commitment, then the children know that they can rely on me.

"They may not always like what I say but at least they know it comes from a deep love for them and a deep commitment to them. That constancy and commitment transgresses all the flaws the parent may have," she says.

Parenting is - let's face it - a very lonely job at times and the Froebel College courses also offer support and camaraderie amongst people in the same boat, which is almost worth the price of admission in itself.

"I think we are much more on our own than we were in the past," says Caitriona, "especially when both parents are working they have to face the challenges of finding child-minders or creches and coming home to look after children. Also there is far more isolation in society at the present time. We are not necessarily all living close to brothers sisters, uncles, aunts and grandparents."

The courses cover all aspects of child development and issues such as sex and drugs are covered for the parents of teenagers. "Life has changed so fast. There are huge issues that teens are dealing with that we didn't have to address when we were growing up," says Caitriona.

A free registration/information night will held tonight (Tuesday September 12th) at 7.30 p.m. in the Froebel College, Cross Avenue (off Merrion Avenue), Blackrock, Co Dublin. The next series of programmes starts on Tuesday, September 19th, at 7.30 p.m. Cost £150 per 30 sessions, with reduction for couples. Telephone 2888520 or e-mail admin@froebel.ie