Lessons in making friends

The first days and weeks of school are critical in learning vital social skills, and for making those all-important new friends, writes SHEILA WAYMAN

EVERYBODY WANTS their child to be popular with classmates, and parents often fret about what they can do, if anything, to ensure there is a circle of friends when they start school.

Rule number one is know your child – his or her style of socialisation is probably evident from the days of pre-school.

Children range from those who would only ever want one or two friends – they will be good friends and they will be very happy with that, says parent coach Marian Byrne – to those who go to every party in the class, who everybody loves and when they get to secondary school they are the ones with 5,000 friends on Facebook.

“The greatest dilemma any parent faces is whether, and how far, to get involved either in a child making friends or in smoothing upsets between friends,” says child development expert Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer in her book Making Sense of Your Child’s Friendships (Piccadilly Press).

One of a parent’s most important roles is to nurture a child’s self-esteem and confidence and another is to encourage friendships, she explains.

“The two are linked, of course, because self-esteem and confidence form the bedrock on which healthy friendships are built.”

In junior and senior infants, the classmates children see outside school will generally be ones who are convenient for, and preferred by, parents. But that kind of selection process cannot last.

By the age of seven or eight it becomes much more important for children to have a shared interest or experience in common with a friend, Hartley-Brewer says.

So at that stage parents need to step back from directing and fixing children’s friendships. But at the start of school, what can parents do to grease the wheels of friendship for children? Byrne has three suggestions:

Help them with social skills. Many children will not need this but others who are naturally quiet might benefit from being reminded of the importance of smiling and being given ways to start conversations with other people.

Play games at home, but don’t always let them win. This teaches them turn-taking and how to lose graciously.

Provide opportunities for socialisation, such as play dates, a car pool or walking to school with other children, where the parent is also present.

If they have friendships outside school, maybe with neighbouring children, it is important to try to maintain these even if they are starting in different schools, she stresses.

“If things are not going great in school, they have a safe space to come back to with a friend at home.”

“Relax” is the one word of advice Maria McHale, a mother of three living in Oranmore, Co Galway, has for parents worrying about whether their child will make friends.

She acknowledges that she has been lucky – her children, Conor (14) who is starting his second year of secondary school and seven-year-old twins Kate and Niamh, who are going into first class at primary school, have never had problems with friendships.

However, she believes that in the early years it is important to give them opportunities to have friends around and to teach them how to deal with the ups and downs of personal interaction.

“A lot of the trouble comes from a kid saying something and another child not liking it,” she says. But you can’t fight all their battles for them; gradually they learn how to cope.

“There are a lot of things that kids do on a day-to-day basis – they get annoyed at each other. I have always tried to say to them, ‘stay away from them if they are driving you nuts’ or I give them the skills to deal with it: ‘Tell them they are not being nice to you and you don’t like the way they are talking’. So far that approach has worked.”

She has always encouraged the three of them to have friends of both genders. “That’s the whole point really, to get them to deal with each other.”

Unless a child is being really nasty, there is no need for a parent to get involved. Parents get very emotional about their children, McHale points out, and if they wade in over something “completely minor”, it could end up in a “huge blow-out” with other parents, which they will never recover from – “unlike their children who will be fine in two days!”

For parents new to the school gate, the politics of play dates, birthday parties and sleepovers can seem like a minefield. It is if you worry unduly about what other people might think.

Far better to go with your gut instinct on what is right for your child rather than looking to see what others are doing. However, common sense and sensitivity dictates certain etiquette. For instance:

Children have enough on their plate in the first week or two of junior infants, so hold off on the play dates until they have settled in and built up their stamina for the school day.

Never suggest a play date to another child without clearing it first with the parent – out of earshot of both children.

You are not expected to stay around for a play date in another house, unless your child is very clingy and needs time to settle.

Make sure you know what time you are supposed to collect – and don’t be late.

Don’t try to use “away” play dates as a substitute for childcare – unless it is an emergency, in which case be upfront about it.

Don’t automatically expect a play date to be reciprocated, nor feel guilty if you can’t return the favour. It is important to realise that play dates suit some households and not others; some children need or enjoy play dates more than others.

Where people live, their working arrangements, numbers and ages of siblings, a child’s personality and availability of friends locally are all factors in determining the practicalities and desirability of play dates.

McHale says she does not organise play dates every week but only when it suits.

As editor of the health magazine Sláinte, she combines work at home with regular trips to Dublin. She knows some parents who arrange play dates religiously every week and others who detest them.

“I do not have a problem with them. Mostly they just go off and play.” She tries to ensure her daughters each have a friend over at the same time.

“Three is definitely a crowd. Whenever I have only one child, for whatever reason, somebody ends up getting miffed. When there are four of them, they tend to be happier about it – that is probably a twin thing,” she adds.

Sleepovers will probably not be on the agenda until a few years into school and many of the above rules apply. Some children will revel in them, others will be fearful – and it is much the same for parents. If you are not comfortable with the idea, just say no.

While it is easy to point to the negatives of sleepovers: raucous behaviour, late nights and cranky, exhausted children the next day, there is no doubt that positives can include a deepening of bonds of friendship, a fostering of independence and an insight into how other families live.

Between play dates and then the birthday party circuit, you can feel like you’re your children’s social secretary – before they take matters into their own hands around the age of 12.

Most primary schools now ask parents not to distribute party invitations through the classroom unless there is one for every child in the class. If you are able to invite the whole class, it certainly makes drawing up the guest list simple.

However, the days of big, extravagant children’s parties have definitely gone. Simple “at home” affairs are ideal if you have the space and can face the clearing up afterwards; if your budget can stretch to an entertainer, it will make the time go quicker!

The hassle-free option of using an outside venue is worth every euro, particularly for working parents, and as children get older and harder to please.

But that will probably mean a strict limit on numbers to keep within budget – so either your child invites only classmates of the same gender, or you have the unenviable task of helping to whittle down the class to “best” friends.

JOINING IN: SOCIALISING IN SECONDARY SCHOOL

A child’s style of socialisation in primary school is likely to be repeated when starting secondary school. Some will dive in and make friends very quickly, others will take a while.

Encourage your child to get involved in extracurricular activities at the school, parent coach Marian Byrne suggests. “It gives them a chance to mix with other kids outside the classroom but they don’t have to go beyond the comfort zone of the school.”

In first year, friendships are sometimes made by chance, based on early shared experiences, but by second year they shuffle around as the teenagers are drawn to like-minded peers.

Encourage them to do their out-of-school socialising at the weekends and during the holidays because, between the longer day, followed by sport or other activities and then homework, they really do not have time for it during the week.

Ideally, in their first year at least, they won’t be meeting up for anything more sophisticated (or expensive) than a trip to the local cinema, bowling or hanging out in a friend’s house.

It is only a matter of time before the question of going to junior discos arises, so it is something to think about before it does. Talk to other parents and find out what the norm is but, as always, it is a matter of knowing your child and when he or she is ready.

“Don’t agree to anything you are not comfortable with,” Byrne says, and don’t be browbeaten by peer pressure. “Once ground is given, the ground keeps moving.”

Sheila O’Malley of Practical Parenting agrees and she advises to hold them off discos until at least second year if you can. If you are caught unawares by a teenager’s request, one helpful tip is to give yourself time to think about it by saying: “If you need an answer now, the answer is ‘no’.”

Asking to go to a disco may be not as straightforward as it seems. “Sometimes they just want to say they have permission to go, but they don’t really enjoy it,” says Byrne. Equally, O’Malley points out that sometimes they might want you to say no, if they have been under pressure to ask – so they might actually be relieved to have an excuse not to go.

Attending junior, drink-free discos is usually quite a short-lived phase – by fourth year many feel they are too old for them, comments Martina Newe of Help Me To Parent.

If you are worried about their safety, insist on bringing them to the venue and collecting them there afterwards, which also eliminates opportunities to drink before it. “If they are not happy with that,” she adds, “tell them they are not going.”

MOVING UP: TRANSITION TIPS

Going from being the big fish in sixth class at primary school to the small fish in the big pond of secondary school is a huge change in a child’s life. Although it is up to them to make the best of it, as a parent you can help to ease the transition.

“You might think they are older and wiser but they are still very young and impressionable going into first year,” says Rose Tully of the National Parents’ Council Post-Primary. Parents need to keep a close eye to make sure they are coping. Try to find out through casual conservation what they are feeling about how things are going.

“With the longer days and the extra pressures, they are going to be exhausted for the first couple of weeks,” says Martina Newe of Help Me To Parent.

The big challenge facing first-year students is personal organisation. Where once they sat in one classroom most of the day with the one teacher, now they have to make sure they are in the right place at the right time in a large, unfamiliar complex. Encourage children to write checklists for what they need to bring into school each morning, says Sheila O’Malley of Practical Parenting.

Make several copies of their class timetable, advises Marie Barrett, an education and careers consultant in Loughrea, Co Galway. They should have one stuck up on the inside of their locker at school and one at home in their bedroom; you should put one up on the fridge too, so you are aware of what they have each day.

The weeks between now and the mid-term break at the end of October are crucial as students get their first taste of new subjects, develop friendships and adjust to the increase in homework. Get them into a routine for the homework from the beginning, to reinforce their learning as they go along.

Students can be overwhelmed by the workload, warns Barrett. “If you can keep them on top of it, that gives them emotional freedom to reach out and make new friends.”

For more information on the National Parents’ Council Post-Primary, see npcpp.ie or tel 01-8302740.

STARTING OFF: FIRST DAY TIPS FOR PRIMARY SCHOOL

It is debatable whether the first day at primary school is more momentous for the parent or the child.

Many of today’s four and five year olds, veterans of pre-school education, take “big school” in their stride. It is their mums and dads who become emotional about the milestone. But don’t make too big a deal of it – or you are in danger of transferring your anxiety to your child.

Although the first day at school is no longer the cutting of the apron strings, it is important to prepare children – and appreciate that some are going to take longer than others to settle.

Do not assume that your child knows what to expect, says Sheila O’Malley of Practical Parenting. Talk through what it is going to be like and do not belittle their fears with a glib “Ah you’ll be grand” but acknowledge what they are feeling.

Have a dress rehearsal with the uniform, if there is one, or whatever clothes they are planning to wear on the first day. Practical difficulties can be very upsetting, so check that they can open their lunch-boxes easily and close their drink bottle securely, suggests Martina Newe of Help Me to Parent. A school bag with an outside pocket to carry the bottle can help prevent leaks ruining the books.

Share memories of your own school days with your child, says Mary Killeen, helpline and information officer with the National Parents’ Council Primary. Talk about children they know who may be starting with them and emphasise the opportunity school is going to give them for making new friends.

Even a well-prepared child may cry on the first morning but that is okay, it is a release of emotion, says O’Malley. However, it is crucial parents do not linger too long in the classroom, thereby missing the optimum moment to leave.

“Three to five minutes is enough; 20 minutes is too long,” she says firmly. If you must have a good cry about your baby starting school, keep it for the journey home.

“Make sure you are early for the pick-up,” she adds. It is extremely stressful for the child if you are nowhere to be seen when they look out for you. “Suddenly they can go from solid to very wobbly.”

If you have a query on any aspect of your child’s education, you can contact the National Parents’ Council Primary helpline on 01-8874477 or e-mail helpline@npc.ie. There is also helpful information on its website, npc.ie