I'm actually lookin' forward to Christmas

I was an orphan egg and I was found on the Long Mile Road. The first school I went to was St Colman's and that was for the first week and then when they kicked me out of there I went to St Basil's. After that I went to St John's and after that I went to St Joseph's and then St Bridget's and then I went to CBS Maynooth, then they kicked me out of there. I've been to a few schools, to be honest, y'know?

It's not that I got kicked out of all of them, but I got asked to leave some of them, if you know what I mean. The first reason was I never went in - I was changing school so often it was hard for me to find them. I was never very good at geography in school, so it was sort of a Catch 22, if I had been in school to do the geography I probably would've found the gaff. I changed schools as well 'cos, as they say, "vereeity is the speece of leef".

I remember one day I went in and they had these things in the classroom, they were em, what d'ya call 'em, desks. And I went down the back with the lads straight away. There was meself and Pat Kenny and Gay Burdn. Gay didn't look too healthy, he smelt a bit as well, and we'd always ask him for the lend of a pen or a ruler and he'd always charge us about two quid. He was awful tight then as well, y'know. But we'd be down the back of the class just having the crack and of course Pat was up the front, a terrible swot he was. I don't know why 'cos look at him now, he's as thick as two short planks.

But it was good fun. Our teacher, now, was a very old woman, very old, I think she's retired now, Anne Doyle, and we had to sort of teach her 'cos like Pat she wasn't the cleverest, d'ya know wor I mean?

I'm a builder be trade and that wasn't water off a dooks' back. I am a natural, but I learnt me buildin' through woodwork in school and that was in St Joseph's 'cos he was the carpenter. I had that yoke, what's the yoke you hit the nails in with, the saw, that's it. I learnt a lot in me woodwork classes. I paid attention and I built one of them things at the front of the house, the eh, the gate yoke, so that was very beneficial to me, I enjoyed doing that, y'know?

There were a lot of girls in our class, and I'm not just talking about Pat and Gay, there were other girls as well. There was a beautiful girl in the class, she'd always sit up the front, Sharon N∅ Bheolβin - g'wan ya gud ting. I'm not a bimbo, though fair enough I'm very good looking and I realise that, but I was a bit of the lad of the class and it wasn't just 'cos I'm a bit of a messer, it's cos of me looks as well so a few of the girls would be all over me.

There was about 52 of us in one half of the class and in the other half was Derek Davis. There was no room when he sat down, so we all got shimmied over to one side.

I made a lot of good friends in school and most of us did go on to television in the end in RT╔, but I mean that's 'cos we didn't get a proper education. I mean, someone should have warned us.

I never did homework and I never did history 'cos I thought history was a thing of the past. Obviously, as I said, I couldn't find the place, so I never really had a chance to do geography. I'm proud 'o me English - and the Gaeilge. I was absolutely brilliant at Gaeilge. In fact, tβ mΘ bh∅ arβn oifig an phoist gach lβ, bh∅ mΘ dΘ Sathairn - that's something that I'm fluent in me beak with. I actually promote it quite heavily in RT╔. We do an Irish word once a month to keep the crusties, I mean, to keep the people, happy. It's something that's very important to me. I think we might be doing too much though, doing one word a month, it's a bit of overkill, maybe we'll take December off. Last word of the month was fuinne≤g and it means door or window or something, oh it's window. I tell you how I remember that - it's because you find a pane in the window so I just remember it from Pat Kenny, you won't get a bigger pain than him. Double-glazed he is, y'know?

I was well behaved in school overall. When I say I was asked to leave, I still stayed in contact with the schools. Well I had to through the court cases, but overall there was never really any trouble, except for the time in St Basil's when I set the place on fire, but that's not an interesting story. Or the time in St Joey's and I got mixed up with the girls toilets and the gents - no I won't tell you that one either. Fair enough, they have CCTV cameras nowadays, but a lot of people look like me and that could have been anyone going into the principal's dressing room and what would I want with a pair of ladies under - I mean, it wasn't me, that's all I'm saying.

School has stood me very well for where I am today, I mean I'm with RT╔ - well, maybe I shouldn't have gone to school. But overall it's stood me well 'cos I'm a builder, I'm a politician, I'm a singer, I'm a dancer, I'm an actor and I learnt most of that through school, d'ya know wor I mean?

In conversation with Olivia Kelly