Finding peace amidst all the madness of the morning

Some time ago a friend of mine set me thinking when she remarked: "While most of the time we the parents do our best for our children in the morning time, we seem to spend our time issuing instructions, questioning whether tasks are being undertaken or have been completed, making demands or giving direction and advice. "On the other hand our children are continually making demands, questioning what we say, very often grunt, mumble and complain - or simply ignore us. "The communication between us leaves a lot to be desired. I'm really working on how to improve it, and in particular on what happens between us in the morning time."

Later I brought up the topic with a neighbour whose household always appears calm in the mornings. "It wasn't always like this," he said. "Nowadays, morning is a special time of the day in our home. It is a time where irrespective of what turns up I refuse to allow stress into my own life or cause stress to my family. It is a time for connecting with each other, listening to each other, having ourselves heard and supporting each other at the beginning of the day."

What about children who are difficult to get moving, slow traffic, lost items, conflict between children? "If you allow all of these negatives to dominate your morning it won't be good for you or your work, your family and their day. Plan to ensure things go as smoothly as possible. Expect and accept that some difficulties will arise but focus on doing your best to sort things and not becoming angry, stressed or annoyed." We would all do well to remember his words.

How we start each day very often has a tremendous bearing on how the rest of it pans out for us. As parents, what we say, how we listen and how we respond can affect not only our own day but the day of all those around us. Snappy responses, critical remarks, nagging, giving out or any type of bad humour can set the tone for a "bad day".

When we find ourselves correcting others rather than trying to connect with them we can only expect the worst for all of us during the day.

It can be challenging and tough for us adults who meet a variety of behaviours and humours from our children in the mornings, but if we do not remain calm, set the example and try to move situations on with care and concern, we'll all suffer. From waking them up, through bathroom and breakfast, to goodbyes, school runs etc, it is well worthwhile to try and keep the atmosphere as calm, as caring and as peaceful as possible. It's not the easiest thing to do some mornings.

Have you ever looked at what happens between you at this important time of the day? Is it a time of rush, bustle and stress - or a time when you are all generally friendly and supportive of one another which helps you "kick-start" your day in a positive fashion?

When you leave each other, is the relationship usually warm or is there a residue of anger, annoyance and frustration? Do you think it would be of benefit to your family to look at what happens in your home at this time of the day and do some work on making it better?

If you walk with your children or drive them to school, what is it like for you and them? Whatever ages our children are, the journey to and from school provides us with a golden opportunity to share what is happening in our lives. We can listen to each other, listen when our children are talking to one another, have views, concerns and opinions heard. In fact, it may be the only part of the day when we have this type of time together.

Don't ever use the journey as a time to scold or "get at" your children for previous misconduct or bad behaviour. You may have a captive audience for the duration of the journey, but you will cause anger, resentment and bad feeling between you. It's definitely not a time for settling scores.

A last-minute rush is disastrous. Having everyone up in good time is an absolute necessity. However, planning and getting things ready the evening before also makes most situations easier in the morning. All of the family can be involved, but it does demand some organising, and we've got to keep in mind that old habits - particularly bad ones - won't change overnight.

EVEN WITH the best-laid plans and organisation, our patience may be tested by that member of the family who regularly holds things up and has little organised for the morning. How we respond to this individual will make a difference for everyone.

Irrespective of the behaviour, it is not worth entering into conflict at this time of the day. Don't take on everyone else's bad feeling or humour. He or she knows well what should have been done and it is definitely better to leave discussion, advice or complaints until later in the day.

If there are complaints or blame being thrown (even at you), don't get into it. If he or she is worried or complains about homework or some other aspect of school life, you can listen and acknowledge what is being said - but you don't have to agree with it.

Even if you know that your child is totally in the wrong you are better off holding what you have to say until a more suitable time. It can be difficult, but change the conversation and move into talking about other more positive issues. It doesn't help to ignore the "offender". Beginning of term or otherwise, it is worthwhile looking at what is happening between us in our families in the mornings. If the situation has not been good, can we examine and learn from it? Can we allow each morning to be a new beginning and a positive start to the day?

I believe that each morning gives us all another chance to build more open, warm and enjoyable relationships in our families.