The Last Straw Frank McNallyExtreme as it was, I have a certain sympathy with Brian Cooper's suggestion (Letters to the Editor, November 15th) that the Government should introduce a ban on coughing at classical music events.
We must make allowances for the fact that he was writing in the immediate aftermath of having his evening at the National Concert Hall ruined. Readers may recall that, after a similar experience at the ballet last Christmas, I too called for firm action on audience coughing, suggesting that the problem might be alleviated if, say, one in every 10 of those responsible were taken outside and shot.
But it's important not to be too emotional. Which is why I believe that, before we lobby for a smoking-style ban on coughing at concerts, we should commission some cool-headed research into this area. Specifically, and if only to eliminate it, we need to investigate the possible link between environmental classical music and respiratory illness.
I say this because there is at least circumstantial evidence of a causal relationship. As with many people, my first experience of classical music was in church. And coincidentally, church was also where I first experienced large-scale audience coughing. Indeed, as a child, I used to gaze in astonishment at all the worshippers around me in various stages of choking, and wonder if it had anything to do with emissions from the pipe organ.
Certainly, there seemed to be a direct correlation between their seizures and the hymns. The problem always built gradually. The introduction to the "entrance antiphon", as it was called, would provoke only polite coughing, as if the congregation were clearing their throats to sing (not that this was a serious option; we were Catholics). But by the offertory hymn, even passive exposure to the music would have resulted in widespread bronchial inflammation.
When it came to offering the sign of peace, the few non-coughers left would be eyeing up their neighbours nervously, wondering what they had, and whether it was contagious. And the coughing would reach a crescendo just after communion, when - coincidence or not - there had been several hymns in quick succession, some involving harmonies.
As I've suggested, coughing at religious services may be psychosomatic, caused by reflections on mortality. At a pinch, this might also explain my experience at Swan Lake. But I gather from another letter that the problem in the NCH last week reached crisis-point during something called "Opus 78", for violin and piano, so I think classical music still has questions to answer. Maybe they need to print health warnings on the tickets.
By way of comparison, audience coughing does not tend to be a problem at rock concerts, for obvious reasons. But even at "unplugged" gigs, where silences may occur, you rarely notice it. This is partly because, these days, the performers are usually in their 60s, and if anybody's coughing, it's them. More annoyingly, it's also because the intervals between songs are filled with audience members shouting requests.
This is mostly just good-natured enthusiasm by fans, and the worst you could say about them is that they sound like first-year students trying to please the teacher by showing how many songs they know. But there's always at least one anorak who keeps calling for a song no-one else has heard of - possibly not even the performer - because it was only ever released on a B-side in East Germany in 1967. This is worse than coughing, any day.
Which brings me back to the point (or the Point, as it was in my case). No doubt most people will say that the simple explanation for the cough problem, whether it's during Opus 78, Swan Lake, or midnight Mass, is the germ-friendly Irish winter. And it's hard to argue with this during a week in which Bob Dylan was forced to cancel his Cork concert because of viral laryngitis contracted in Dublin.
Dylan's gigs here were billed as part of the "Never-ending Tour"; which always seemed a bit presumptuous for a 62-year-old visiting Ireland in November. This country has ended the tours of better men than him! (And, may I say, I hope Simon and Garfunkel add an Irish date to their reunion, if only to witness the "sound of silence" headlines when the laryngitis bug strikes again).
But as long as research doesn't prove a causal link with environmental music, I would certainly support a cough ban in pubs, restaurants, venues, and churches. In fairness to smokers, I would phase it in over the next year, to give them a chance to quit coughing voluntarily. As for people shouting obscure requests during concerts, I still favour the shooting option.