This has probably been the most romantic millennium in human history, no doubt because more and more people were freed from the burden of having to kill their next meal, and repel Vikings, and so on. But as we celebrate St Valentine's Day yet again, it's worth reflecting that romance as we know it today was a long time taking off.
AD 1215 King John bows to pressure from horticultural barons and decrees that, henceforth, roses will be red and violets blue. The move results in massively increased profits for the big players, but also huge unemployment among small flower producers.
1347 Bubonic plague sweeps Europe, becoming the millennium's greatest single passion killer until the arrival of nylon tights (q.v.) in the 1960s.
1500s Valentine cards are used for the first time, although it will be several more centuries before there is a reliable postal system.
1558 Elizabeth I, "the Virgin Queen," ascends the English throne, starting a fashion. Tough times for guys everywhere.
1599 Romeo and Juliet is published. It becomes a romantic classic despite dealing with controversial themes, including male impotence, viz: Juliet: (Sarcastically, examining her finger nails) Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? Romeo: (Groaning in despair) But soft! (Then, pathetically trying to change the subject) What light through yonder window breaks?
1725 Birth of Casanova, Italian adventurer. In an extraordinary life, he works at different times as a violinist, a spy and a librarian (giving hope to librarians everywhere), but above all establishes a reputation as a legendary lover. His death in 1798, coincidentally, is marked by a general uprising in Ireland.
1810 Napoleon orders 162 bottles of his favourite cologne water from the perfumier Chardin. An "unabashed odomane,"* he once wrote to Josephine begging her not to bathe for two weeks before they met so that he could enjoy "all her natural aromas". ** It is thought that another meeting, when she came to him fresh out of the shower *** was the occasion of his famous remark: "Not tonight, Josephine" but he may just have had a headache. (Either way, this incident was later celebrated in song as "Bonaparte's Retreat"****).
(Refs: * Norman Davies, A History of Europe; ** Ibid; *** This bit I made up; **** Ditto)
1821 - 24 The romantic poets, Keats, Shelley and Byron all die young and on foreign shores, an example which will continue to inspire hotblooded young Britons down the years (q.v. Sid Vicious).
1841 Scientists isolate a spermatazoon for the first time. But taking advantage of momentary confusion in the laboratory, the plucky little sperm breaks free again, and manages to fertilise a nearby ovum before being recaptured. His case becomes a cause celebre in the sperm world.
1851 Death of Augusta Ada Byron, the only (legitimate) daughter of the "mad, bad and dangerous to know" poet. Overcoming her upbringing as well as her title (Countess of Lovelace!), she became a highly respected mathematician, whose work on early mechanical computers will one day see a programming language (ADA) named after her. A model for rebellion against parental standards, she remains an inspiration to romantics everywhere.
1884 Developing the sensuous style for which he will become famous, Renoir paints his first group of bathing women. One of them sees him, however, and he is later questioned by police.
1895 Birth of Rudolf Valentino. Despite having a name like a hairdressers' shop, he will become a romantic hero to millions of women worldwide during the era of silent movies. Particular favourites are The Sheik (1921), Son of the Sheik (1926) and Whole Lotta Sheikin Goin On (1928).
1922 The first artificial aldehyde, Chanel No 5, is invented in Paris. The term "sexual chemistry" gets a new lease of life, and the duty-free industry is just waiting to be born.
1966 Mary Quant invents the miniskirt. Men have never felt more romantic.
1968 Just when it looks like men are being found out, Bobby Goldsboro's Honey becomes a massive international hit. Just when things are looking good, the rise of feminism threatens to spoil everything. . .
1970 "Romance, like the rabbit at the dog track, is the elusive, fake and never attained reward which, for the benefit and amusement of our masters, keeps us running and thinking in safe circles." Beverly Jones, US feminist, reflects growing female cynicism, but also betrays her ignorance of greyhound racing (it's a fake hare, Beverly!)
1970 "The concept of romantic love affords a means of emotional manipulation which the male is free to exploit, since love is the only circumstance in which the female is ideologically pardoned for sexual activity." Kate Millet, another US feminist, expresses similar ideas which, not being accompanied by any errors about sport, are not so easily dismissed.
1970 Love Story is the film of the year. All is saved.
1972 "Romanticism is the struggle to save the reality of experience from evaporating into theoretical abstraction or disintegrating into the chaos of bare empirical fact. It is a critical counterpart of the imperial advance of science." Theodore Roszak, US, social critic, articulates the ideas behind Honey.
1989 Michelle Pfeiffer rolls on a piano in The Fabulous Baker Boys.
1998 Almost exactly four centuries after Romeo and Juliet, Viagra is finally invented. Possible female applications of the drug give hope to feminists. Everybody is happy.