I don't know how he does it

WORKING LIVES:Working mothers are a modern phenomenon, but men who ask for flexibility in the workplace so they can have a decent home life are often treated differently to their female colleagues. ROISIN INGLEtalks to several working fathers about paternal leave, father stress and how to keep careers on track while caring for the kids

WE’RE WELL USED to hearing about working mothers who want to have it all, but what about working fathers? Just like working mums, they wish there were more hours in the day, worry about juggling family and work commitments and feel guilty about compromises they are forced to make. Some have arranged more flexible working arrangements to fit in with family life and others dream about the day when men and women can share paid paternity leave.

Earlier this year, shared leave for mothers and fathers was introduced in the UK prompting deputy prime minister Nick Clegg to declare that the existing rules where only mothers could avail of extended paid maternity leave were patronising to women and marginalised men. “They’re based on a view of life in which mothers stay at home and fathers are the only breadwinners. That’s an Edwardian system that has no place in 21st century Britain,” he said. The debate has yet to really get going here but some would argue that the current parental-leave provisions have no place in 21st-century Ireland either.

Here, a group of busy fathers discuss their role at work and at home. They are not, you’ll be relieved to hear, expecting pats on the back for simply doing their duty. Or as interviewee Paul Fitzgerald puts it, “It’s nice to acknowledge that some fathers aren’t the career-obsessed workaholics they’re often made out to be and that they really value and contribute to family life. I don’t think dads are looking for recognition. It’s a little like getting an award for turning up to work on time – aren’t you supposed to do that anyway?” Say hello to the working dads.

PHIL NORTON

Job: Works on a trading desk in an investment bank

Family: Norton is married to Lisa, and they have twin girls, Maisy and Georgia, who are two and a half

Phil Norton says his outlook on life completely changed when he became a father. “It’s all about them, not you and that is refreshing. They are at an amazing age at the moment and to see their personalities emerge is priceless. They make me laugh so much. The sense of innocence and fun they bring to any situation just makes life so enjoyable. Fatherhood puts you back in touch with your inner child and that’s a good place to be.”

Getting to work in the morning can be a “military operation. I walk the girls to crèche in the morning and then cycle to work. It never quite goes to plan,” he says. “Lisa starts early and finishes early to pick up the girls. We both work full time so it is testing at times but we make it work.”

Recently, both girls got chicken pox and he had to go to London on a business trip. He had to leave Lisa to cope, which was difficult. “Thank God for grandparents.”

He finds at work there is understanding about these situations as his boss is a father of two. “If there is an emergency, I feel I can leave so that gives me peace of mind but thankfully it doesn’t happen much. There are plenty of fathers in my workplace who play a hands-on role in childcare.”

His biggest challenge is “being pulled in different directions” but he says parenting is about living in the moment. “You want to absorb every second of your time with them, the clichés are all true, they grow up so fast.”

He is in favour of shared paternity leave. “Just five days is a joke. The first few weeks as a family are magical but the man is expected back to work after a week, which is ridiculous.”

Does he think highlighting the contribution of working fathers is worthwhile? “Yes. I don’t think we get bad press, just no press.”

NIALL O’CONNOR

Job: Digital revenue manager

Family: O’Connor’s wife Lucy works in DIT but is currently on maternity leave. They have three children, Emily (5), Matthew (2 and a half) and Zoe (9 weeks old)

Niall O’Connor negotiated working hours that suit his family life, so he starts earlier and leaves before most of his colleagues. When his wife is working full-time, he picks up the children from crèche and prepares dinner for when she arrives home later. “The routine is more flexible now she is on maternity leave,” he says. The housework is split evenly between them.

When it comes to work he has experienced what US commentators have coined “Father stress” on a few occasions, most notably when he was organising a large conference around the time his wife gave birth recently. “The weeks before were very stressful. I didn’t feel that as a man it would have been viewed as legitimate to voice the concerns I had.”

He generally keeps quiet about the fact that his working arrangements have been adapted for parental reasons. “I don’t feel it’s as acceptable for men as it is for women . . . certain people don’t get it. There is a blank look on some men’s faces as if to say, why?

“They’d never come out and say it but you can definitely tell they are looking at you sideways as though something is not quite right. You don’t get that from women. Mothers tend to have more respect for what you are trying to do.”

He feels guilty when he has to jettison family time for work or when he can’t attend a social or work event because of family commitments. He is also concerned that making family life a priority could be perceived as having less commitment to his job.

“That’s a real fear. I feel I am very good at what I do but I worry how not being visible at my desk after a certain hour looks to some people.” As a result he tends to check his email on the phone constantly in the evening and will respond to mails up to 10pm, even on weekends. “I feel it’s important to be seen as being contactable at any time.”

What is the biggest joy of fatherhood?

"Singing my son Fairytale of New Yorkfor the 400th time as he falls asleep has to be one of my simplest pleasures."

PAUL FITZGERALD

Job: He works in photography and HR

Family: He runs a photography business with his wife Sinead (designfitzphotography.com), and they have two children, Cian (3) and Darragh (one and a half)

“Attitudes are definitely changing,” says Paul Fitzgerald when asked whether flexible working arrangements are something more associated with working mothers. “A couple of years ago you would have done a double take when you heard of a guy working a reduced week or something along those lines because of family . . . women still seem to avail of flexible working more but I find dads are just as likely to take a day off if the kids are sick. I’ve thought about and investigated flexible arrangements but I wouldn’t like to put myself under the financial pressure.”

The most obvious source of stress for him as a parent is when the children are ill. This year alone his boys have suffered with scarlet fever, chicken pox and various infections. “That is amazingly stressful,” he says. “You have to be there for your child but you also have to hang on to your job. I usually keep back five to seven days annual leave for use at short notice when one of the kids is sick and I’ve used every one. I’m lucky that I’m able to take short notice leave or work from home.”

If shared parental leave had been available when his children were born he would have taken it up, sharing “50-50 or 40-60” with his wife.

His biggest challenge as a working father is leaving work at the door. “It’s all too easy to bring work home with you . . . you’re surrounded by technology designed to blur the boundary of work and personal time but I try as hard as I can to separate the two.”

What single thing would make life easier?

“An extra two hours in the day please.”

MICHAEL MCCANN

Job: Director of Diageo for Northern Ireland

Family: His wife Angela works part time. They have four children, Nathan (18), Jack (15), Ellie (14) and Ronan (9)

Due to the demanding nature of his job and the long hours he spends commuting, Michael McCann says he is unable to help out much at home during the week. “I help with the washing up in the evening,” he says. “And I always take leave around school holidays.”

Dinner is delayed until he arrives home, as it’s “important family time”, he says. He feels lucky to have both his job and “a very understanding and supportive family”, and he doesn’t believe that work flexibility is seen as some kind of mother’s perk. “That may have been the case 10 years ago,” he says. “Thankfully in Diageo flexibility is available to mothers and fathers and indeed non-parents. As a manager, I offer flexibility to anyone who needs it. However, I operate on the principle that flexibility works both ways. Generally, the time that I take I will give back and a bit more. I expect others to do the same and it’s generally the case.”

The idea that a man would be seen as having less commitment to his job because he is clear about his commitment to family life is not true for him. “I like to think that I’m seen as a good role model who can cope pretty well with the demands of a challenging job and large family.”

What would make life easier for McCann?

“Being a little fitter. My energy levels are blown by Friday.”

CIARAN BYRNE

Job: co-owner of Cauldron recording studios and Grammy award winning sound engineer (and an Oscar hopeful for recording the soundtrack to the new Glen Close film, Albert Nobbs)

Family: He is married to TV presenter Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh. They have four children: Síle (15), Peadar (11), Comhghal (9), Darach (8)

Ciaran Byrne often works unconventional hours but as much as possible he tries not to work weekends so that he can be with his wife and children. These days are usually a blur of pick-ups and drops-offs to various sporting events. He hasn’t experienced much father stress, and he says this is due to the flexibility of being self-employed. “I don’t think you get that flexibility working for a company.” If more men are not asking for family friendly working arrangements then “maybe they feel it’s something men shouldn’t do more from a historical stereotype than from actually not wanting to do it”.

He once took a year off work to look after his children and says it was a valuable experience. “That year taught me that no one person is indispensable, including the boss. I found that the distance from the coalface gave me a better perspective of where the business needed to improve and made sure I didn’t burn out creatively.”

He believes that mothers are perceived as having more of a stake in family life. “In the last few decades our roles have completely changed and at such a rapid pace that men and women are still trying to figure it all out. I think it’s in the DNA of men to feel a failure if we can’t provide. Although we also think of it as a failure if we are at home with the children being the primary carer. Obviously not all men feel this way but it’s a common view.

“Even women who are making more money or the only money in the family still want to have the man in a provider/protector role, and this leads to issues if the man can’t step up to that plate. I think men and women need to be a little fairer to each other and more equal. It’s not a competition.”

Are there any high-profile working father role models who seem to have got the balance right? “I like Jonathan Ross’s attitude to his life and kids but he seems to be more childish than the children. Maybe that’s the secret. Oh yeah, and he’s a gazillionaire.”