You wouldn't read about it

It's slap bang in the middle of what newspaper types like to call silly season, so I thought I'd join in. It may help take my mind off my imminent driving test, if nothing else . . .

I spend a lot of time trawling newspapers and websites looking for interesting tales with which to regale you lovely people. Some little titbits get stretched into 600-odd words, some get abandoned, some get put on the proverbial backburner.

I now propose to titillate you with a selection of the latter. First off, the tale of a Czech policeman and his impatience with pedestrians. It's especially pertinent in the light of my efforts to get arrested for jaywalking, detailed herein last week.

This fine fellow, while engaged in a campaign to cut road accidents in the western city of Pilsen, lost the rag completely at a jaywalker who blithely ignored his instructions. Our guardian of the peace, slighted at this insult, fired a warning shot over the man's head. When this didn't work, he popped two more shots, actually aiming them at the pavement lemming. Luckily for the target, our trigger-happy hero obviously hadn't spent long enough honing his skills on the firing range and missed. He faces a possible attempted murder charge.

All my favourite motor-related titbits concern religious types and booze. The idea of a drunk Polish Benedictine nun facing jail for driving a tractor into a car outside her convent appeals no end to my puerile sense of humour.

The 45-year-old nun in question was 17 times over the country's legal alcohol limit for driving. Yup, 17 times over the limit. Fantastic. If you're going to do it at all . . .

In mitigation, I have no idea what the legal limit for driving in Poland is. Perhaps the laws there are as strict as they are in Croatia, in which case her achievement is belittled somewhat.

For in Croatia, they have introduced new laws dropping the permitted blood alcohol level to 0 in an effort to reduce the number of drink-related road accidents. This means you could get nicked for eating a liqueur chocolate or even munching an over-ripe, slightly-fermented peach.

Croatian church officials are appealing for priests to be exempt from the laws, arguing that many priests drink a small amount of wine while celebrating Mass, and often drive to visit parishioners afterwards. "A huge number of priests will soon be behind bars if this law goes ahead," one official said. Presumably the excellent pun was unintended.

While we're on the subject, spare a thought for Michael Hanczyk, a ne'er-do-well who appeared in a Pennsylvania court to fight a drink driving charge - utterly floothered and reeking of booze.

The judge stopped the hearing and ordered him to take a breathalyser test. He was three times over the limit. Needless to say, he didn't win his case.

At least they caught him. No such luck for Dutch police, who stopped a 22-year-old suspected drink driver after a hit and run accident. When they got out of their car to arrest him, he skipped around them and drove off in their car, leaving them stranded. And somewhat red-faced.

And finally . . . more religious types involved in motorised shenanigans. A Catholic nun and priest have been convicted by a Malawian court of "idleness and disorderly conduct" after being caught "engaged in a sexual act" in a parked car with tinted windows. They got suspended sentences of six months with hard labour. "Let this be a warning to you to get out of that habit," said the judge.

Surely it was the nun getting out of her habit that brought them to court in the first place?