Weasel words

Some weeks ago I promised the sensible people among you, the ones who've thumbed their noses at the Regplate Mafia and their newcarupmanshipping, that I'd broach the subject of purchasing a second-hand car.

As you clever folk are doubtless aware, this can be a whole world of pain. The chances of a wide-eyed novice blowing their cash on a four-wheeled shed are more than slender. In fact, they are positively obese.

Sadly, space precludes me from explaining what to look out for when you actually go to see the car.

In order to get to that stage, you have to first learn to decipher the hieroglyphics of classified ads. And here's where I come in. Be warned - not everyone is telling the truth. The gap between what sellers say and what sellers mean can be as wide as a bull elephant's backside.

A basic grasp of sellers' acronyms and euphemisms can help you avoid the heartbreak of stumbling upon what appears to be the deal of a lifetime and going, wads of cash in hand, to see what you think is your dream car, only to find out that it's a former dinghy that's been fitted with a lawnmower engine, pram wheels, a few garden chairs and seatbelts made of dessicated chow mein noodles.

Some lies are simply spotted. Immaculate Condition means the owner has just washed it. Showroom Condition means he waxed it too. "Quick sale required" means the seller's neighbours have threatened to call the police unless his noisy death-trap of a rustbucket is moved from outside his house. Similarly, "genuine reason for selling" translates as "I've just come to my senses and realised this car is irredeemably rubbish".

FSH is Fairly Shoddy Handling. A/C means the windows go up and down, or, in extreme cases, there is no windscreen at all.

E/Seats is electric seats. Not that they necessarily came out of the factory like that. It's just the oik who installed the glass-crackingly loud soundsystem botched the wiring and every time you sit in the driver's seat, you get a strong enough electric shock to set your hair on fire.

One Lady Owner? This may well be true. But it neglects to mention the one lady owner has three teenage sons who've been using it to pull handbrake turns on a local golf course. One old lady driver means the car will never have been higher than third gear and, consequently, the transmission will be knackered.

Needs minor overhaul? There is no clutch, gearbox or brakes. Needs major overhaul? There's no engine either. Or chassis. Poor condition? It's too bad to even bother trying to lie about. In fact, it is at the bottom of a lake.

Fuel efficient? It uses very little petrol. Only because it won't go more than a mile before breaking down. Quiet engine? It won't actually start. Runs smoothly? The handbrake is broken and it'll roll down any hill you leave it on.

Low mileage? It's either been clocked or was such a rubbish car from the beginning that the previous owner could neither afford to fix it when it broke down after three months nor find anyone stupid enough to buy it, opting to leave it to rot in a shed for the past decade instead.

Cars are usually only "rare" because the particular model was so awful when it was new that nobody bought one.

A restored car with no miles on the engine is one that wouldn't start again after it was stuck back together. A restored car with three miles on the clock is one that started, cut out just down the road and won't budge.

And then there's the real giveaway: Trades considered. This translates to - "I am so desperate to get rid of this heap of junk that I'll swop it for anything that runs. And I mean anything." Finally, remember this, the car buyer's Golden Rule. If, like anything in life, it seems too good to be true, it probably is.