Looking at it all the wrong way

Driving on the right side: Sometimes politicians pontificate with such blatant gombeenery that even the most cynical observers are reduced to cringing behind their hands in embarrassment for them.

Thus it was when Donie Cassidy informed the Seanad of his new theories on road safety. The Fianna Fáil Leader of the House suggested that we, as a nation, switch to driving on to the right-hand side of the road to facilitate those hapless foreigners who come over here and can't seem to manage the changeover themselves. Or words to that effect.

Not only that, but he suggested immigrants should be restricted to driving at a maximum of 80km/h. The poor lambs just aren't up to the job of driving. A danger to themselves, not to mention the rest of us.

Oh dear. Talk about digging yourself a hole. Here's hoping he doesn't start talking about people "working like blacks", as Senators have been known to do round his neck of the woods.

Cassidy later came out and defended himself. Patronising? Me? No. Xenophobic? Who, me? Scaremongering? Arra no, I'm just trying to stimulate debate, said he. Hmm. It's hardly unexpected that a Fianna Fáiler would try to promote a shift to the right, but you have to wonder, has he really thought about this?

It's not the euro changeover. You can't phase it in gradually. (Although Ghana tried in 1974. Motorists were informed on the national airwaves each morning which side of the road to drive on that day. They were having practice runs. I'll leave the rest to your imaginations.)

Anyway, what makes him believe the Irish won't be twice as bad as auslanders at mastering opposite driving? Instead of a few thousand confused motorists, he wants two million. The potential for mass carnage is enough to set even the most optimistic man's hair on end.

And then there are the logistics. For a start, the roadsigns. Millions of them. Then the traffic lights. The thousands of forecourts filled with unsellable secondhand right-hand drive cars. The obsolete fleets of buses. The drive-in burger joints, ATMs, car park ticket dispensers and toll booths that have to be flipped over. And I haven't even mentioned the Border. And how, pray tell, does one impose the reduced speed limits on Johnny Foreigner? How do the gardaí know who is and who isn't a pure-bred Gael? Do they just stop everyone who doesn't have red hair, a bulbous nose, veins full of Guinness and a Fianna Fáil sticker in the window?

Or do all foreigners have to slap big F-plate on their car? Or have a fellow non-national on €3 an hour running at 80km/h in front of their car, waving a red flag?

Will tens of thousands of foreigners suddenly discover Irish grannies, thus allowing them to drive at Irish-only speeds? Will the EU Court of Human Rights turn a blind eye to this nonsense?

Here's a mad idea, Senator. I know I'm going out on a limb here, but hear me out: How about we just try enforcing the already-existing laws before embarking on a witch-hunt?

Word of advice, my liege. Next time you have a notion to dazzle us all with one of your madcap plans, perhaps you'd be better off keeping it under your hat.