On seeing the great ideas of the future
I HAVE a confession to make. I have been taken for a mug, conned, hoodwinked, bushwhacked. I'm deeply ashamed.
The source of my shame is prank in the form of a YouTube video, dressed up as an ad for Ford, that showed bespectacled boffins testing prescription windscreens which it says were to be offered as an optional extra with the new Kuga.
What a good idea, I thought to myself as I watched. Interest piqued, I perused the press release the Motors editor had e-mailed me along with the link.
It said Ford dealerships would be offering free eye tests to anyone ordering a Kuga. Results would be sent to the Ford Automotive Lens Specialist Experts, headed by a chap called Dr Rolf Apilo, who would then craft prescription windscreens to order. "Fair play to them," said I. Until I saw the date on the release - April 1st.
Suspicious, I read it again, worked out the acronym and anagram and realised I'd been had. Oh, how very droll. Mortified that I hadn't seen through this transparent joke, I winced in shame, punched a hole in my laptop and stormed off in a sulk. Enough of Ford and their Kuga. It's a vile yoke that looks like the midget cousin of that vulgar monstrosity, the Audi Q7. No wonder they're offering free eye tests. Only a half-blind person would buy one. So there.
It got me thinking though. Perhaps it's not such an outlandish notion. The fact is, we are already living in the future. Many concepts previously decried as pipedreams are now in situ, even commonplace. These jokers may be visionaries without even realising it.
It's not that long ago you'd have sniggered me out of town if I predicted we'd soon have cars with 1,000 horsepower engines, ones that shrink to fit parking spaces and others that run on ethanol derived from the gunk left over from making cheese.
Or what about electronic maps on your dashboard? Ultrasonic reversing sensors? Zappers you can press to lock your car from 50 metres away? Mental, eh? And how about if I'd said we'd have driverless cars piloted by computers? I'd be even more of a laughing stock than I am already.
But now, traction control and ESP are already widespread, Mercedes has a sophisticated crash-avoidance system and BMW can programme a car to drive around a set course without you needing to lift a finger.
Many futurologists are already predicting that driverless cars will become standard within a decade, which may be the end of driving itself. Governments, in their infinite wisdom, may well ban us from taking control ourselves. Sounds Draconian, but it may not necessarily be a bad thing. Remember that old adage - guns don't kill people, people do? The same can be said for cars. If the tired, reckless and drunk humans are taken out of the equation, who knows how many lives can be saved?
Admittedly, many other predictions have failed to materialise. I am a bit disappointed, approaching 40, that I don't have the flying car I was promised when I was 12, but it's probably for the best. Imagine the chaos.
Back to the point. Why not prescription windscreens? Many a true word is said in jest. The concept needs a bit of work, but the potential is crystal clear.
Not only would they help absent-minded glasses-losing motorists, but they'd be a built-in security device. Nobody would be able to steal your car. The sight of massive heads, bulging eyes and towering hedges looming through the windscreen would be too much to bear for joyriders with 20:20 vision. They'd crash in panic. If they didn't, the police would simply have to check their database of myopic car thieves and match their prescriptions to yours.
All in all, a great idea. I reckon someone should really look into it.
