As push goes to SUV

It's been a bad week for Ireland. The horrible truth has been revealed. We, collectively as a nation, are losing the battle for our sanity.

Figures this week showed sales of SUVs here rose by 44.7 per cent in the 12 months up to last September. The rate is almost double the rise in sales of any other country in Western Europe. Sad to say it, but we are fast becoming a nation of egomaniac cretins.

It's enough to make you emigrate to Antarctica, swearing never to return, even tossing your Irish passport into a penguin's gob when you arrive, to rule out changing your mind when your extremities start dropping off.

I hate them. Egowagons are to motoring what ocean-going oil tankers are to yachting.

Urban SUV drivers are, and always will be, selfish, dangerous looderamawns with zero concerns for anyone but themselves.

Egowagoneers seem to believe being six feet higher than the rest of us gives them an inalienable right to bully everyone around, to force their way out of junctions, to plough through red lights regardless of the consequences. Many also think having hazard lights means they can park wherever they please. Did I mention I hate them?

Drivers of Egowagons will, doubtless, dismiss my concerns as the jealous ravings of a crank. I am a cyclist, after all.

But I snigger in their general direction. Pah! Me, envious? I think not.

Well, all right, if I'm honest with myself, maybe I am just a little bit. Not of Egowagons themselves. I'd rather eat my own feet than buy one. I could never face myself in the mirror again if I did. Such an eventuality would make shaving very unpleasant, if nothing else.

But I do confess to being a tad envious of the Egowagoneer mindset. Life must be a whole lot easier when you are devoid of morals and a conscience, of a sense of duty of care to others, of giving a toss about your children's futures. It must be great fun stamping all over others as you clamber your way to the "top".

So who are the drivers of these vile urban assault vehicles? And why aren't they in mental hospitals receiving the care and therapy they so desperately need? They're obviously experiencing such a deep-seated self-loathing that they are forced to compensate for their failings through the massive explosion of egocentricity that is SUV driving.

Or maybe they are so paranoid that they believe we, as a society, are to be plunged into a post-Apocalyptic future by some imminent disaster and they want to be ready? Either way, it's a national disgrace how these poor creatures are being allowed to suffer, how the State is so blithely ignoring their blatant pleas for help.

Sadly, other than tactfully slipping the phone number of a good shrink under their windscreen wipers (you may need to carry a small stepladder with you to do this), there is nothing you can personally do, much as you'd like to, being the good citizen you are.

I know, I know, it's difficult. I hate to see anyone suffer too. But you have to accept you are powerless. All you can do is pray they'll get the professional help they need. For all our sakes.

Speaking of praying, there's a bunch of Christian anti-SUV activists in the US whose campaign slogan is "What Would Jesus Drive?" A clever concept, we'll grant them that.

Unfortunately, it's a bit of a hollow argument. Jesus was a carpenter. Had he been around today, he'd be driving the biggest tank on the block. What's worse, on his days off, he'd be spreading the good word from up on the back of an old diesel-spewing flat-bed truck like a Fianna Fáil councillor campaigning on mart day.