The devil is in the detail. And, found Tim O'Brien, the details of his routine service had an awful lot of expensive and interesting items that doubled his projected costs
Does the motor industry consider us to be complete fools? For all its "centralised service centres", airport-style lounges and earnest-looking young women with clipboards, a €400 service that more than doubles in price to almost €900 when things are actually "serviced", is doing us all a disservice.
It was the occasion of the hatchback's second service and we should have guessed what was coming when the man we were dealing with was described as a "salesperson".
First he asked our names, the age and mileage of the car, ticking off each answer on his paperwork and making us feel vaguely grateful we had the answers right.
Straightaway he said "the price of the service will be about €400" which we didn't enjoy, but what can you do when only the authorised service centre has the right diagnostic computers to do the job?
So we nodded. Then the first rub: "I presume if the wipers are worn you will want them replaced?" he asked. We nodded wide-eyed and made an appointment to collect the car later in the day.
But less than one hour later our salesperson was on the phone with the second rub. And the rest. The car needed new brake pads, front, at €70 and rear at €60. It needed new brake fluid at €15, oh - and new "plugs", four of them at €8.50 each plus Vat. The list went on and on.
But why was he telling us all this? Is that not what a service is? It wasn't until he got to the part about the extra labour costs that alarm bells started to ring.
"But that is all included in the cost of the service," we spluttered.
Eh, no. It was not.
In fact it appeared an awful lot of things were not included in the cost of the service. Things like coolant, wipers, spark plugs, and of course the brake fluid. In fact the salesperson summed up, the "extras" including Vat would cost almost €500 - on top of the original €400 service charge.
So what was the €400 service charge for, we spluttered again? Well, it transpires there was a lot of checking. Oh, and the oil change. Not just the oil change, the salesperson reprimanded us, the "first" €400 covered oil and a filter. And screenwash. And two-and-a-half hours of labour at €95 per hour. Plus Vat, of course.
But a fuller breakdown of the costs revealed some real little gems: the brake fluid at €15 would require a half-hour's labour to pour in, an additional €47.50.
And that was not an unreasonable amount of time, as a number of seals would need to be checked, we were told. But, we asked, wasn't the checking covered by the first €400? No, we were told, not that level of checking.
We arrived on the appointed hour to collect the car. Again earnest young things with clipboards and zero eye contact. We could see our salesperson sitting at his desk with no other customers in sight.
WE APPROACHED, BUT were stopped by a receptionist who told us to report to reception, upon which she asked us to take a seat, not at the salesperson's desk but at a couch nearby.
Having accomplished all this, we were called forward by the salesperson. He said the car was ready but was being washed in the in-house washer out the back, and invited us to help ourselves to a cup of coffee. At which point we saw the car being driven out the gate. Unwashed. Twenty minutes later the car returned and disappeared around the back.
And so to the bill. "Carried out full service" said the description of where our "first" €400 was going. Among the long list of other costs was "environmental charges" at €7.50, which we assumed related to the cost of safe disposal of used oil which was fair enough. There was €4.38 for screenwash and my personal favourite, the Ryanair of the motor industry, the "sundry charges" of €7.50 - plus Vat. In other words a tenner for whatever you are having yourself.
But almost unbelievably the best was yet to come. "What is a wiper refill?" we asked.
"Oh, it's a new wiper blade," came the response.
"So the wiper refill and wiper blades are the same things, there were a few of them?"
"Yes."
"And what sort of car has four windscreen wipers?" we asked
Total confusion, until a wiper blade is taken off the bill. Even still the final bill is just a few euro short of €900.
"It's what everyone pays," said our salesperson, hands wide with incredulity. Well, not me sunshine.
And I'll tell you something else: I'm not buying a new car off you lot ever again.