Great potential? The truth behind the estate agent's lexicon

Estate agents live in a happy place, appreciating the world differently to the rest of us. Their sense of exuberance is expressed in every advertisement for the homes they market. This is evident right from the first sentence of a property advert in which a vast majority profess themselves “delighted” to be selling this home. It is not clear whether the delight stems from the fact it means the agent has another client, or if it emanates from the sheer pleasure of handling the lovely abode – but no matter, it is surely joy on the double. The rare adverts that do not express delight will use one of the many other powerful adjectives in the agents’ lexicon store, such as “proud”: they are proud to be selling the home. This pride often lands in the building itself which will “boast” certain features that it has, from a new kitchen to a large garden.

Even elements of a home that more curmudgeonly types might disparage – such as PVC windows that are of concern to people who dislike clunky mullions and the effect of C02 emissions on the planet – are welcomed in the list of highlights, or “features”. But if the vendor never got around to updating their wooden windows to plastic, then this state too is cherished, with the home praised for “retaining period features”.

By the same token, if the homeowner was handy with a Hoover and mop but hasn't updated the decor for years, leaving a final outpost of the 1980s wonderfully intact, the property will be declared "well-maintained" perhaps with an added "over the years". Such homes will not be derided as shabby, or a wreck, but described as having "great potential".

Worn-out extensions

Worn-out extensions, dripping with cracked chipboard and topped with asbestos, will be lifted with the magical words “pre-63”, harking back to days when pesky planners did not get in the way of erecting what the hell you liked on the back lawn. Okay, you may need to haul the whole edifice out through the front of the house and into a skip, but it’s left a valuable footprint for further building. Should you not be lucky enough to have a 1950s’ shack attached to the back of the house you’ve just bought, the agent will hold out the promise of building your dream extension with the words “subject to planning permission”.

If there is land to the side of your home, or the back, they will suggest additions, such as a kitchen extension or home office “subject to planning permission”. These four words open up fantasies and a new game: you can now imagine anything – build a castle on your roof, a leisure centre in your garden – “subject to planning permission”. After being tantalised with such a promising future, it is left to the planners to crush our wildest dreams.

If the garden has not been taken up by mouldy bedsits but has had all signs of nature crushed by paving slabs and tarmac, it will be feted as “low-maintenance”. If it does have a lawn that has recently seen the underside of a lawn-mower, the description will be “manicured”, as if a beautician has crawled along it with nail scissors and buffed up the blades of grass to a glorious shine. Back in the day, gardens were gardens, but now they are “landscaped gardens”, if educational establishments are nearby they are not just schools but “good schools” (just as no tower is now fully dressed without the word “landmark” in front of it).

Any small paved areas facing west, east or south will be described as a “sun trap” which they could well be – the problem is there is rarely any sun to capture (if they could trap it and keep it that would be another story).

‘Rare opportunity’

Also rare is the fact that this home is on the market at all so you need to rush: viewing is “highly recommended”, it represents a “rare opportunity” in a “much sought-after” area.

If proximity to a station, bus route or motorway is held up as a strong selling point, it probably means the home is in the tail end of nowhere. Former suburbs are now “within walking distance” of the city centre, including a property currently for sale in Harold’s Cross – to be specific it is a 2km hike from here to the centre of Dublin. Estate agents are on a worthy mission to make us all fit.

In this joyful estate agent world, nothing can go wrong – as a cognitive therapist will tell you, the path to happiness is in the way you look at, and interpret, things.

So if you are ever feeling down, put on some estate-agent spectacles and the world – and your future – will immediately seem much brighter.