‘The man I’m having an affair with won’t let me leave him’

Dear Roe,

I had a brief fling with a man 20 years ago. It ended because he chose the woman he's now married to. Last year we met at a funeral and since then he's bombarded me with emails, texts and phone calls.

He says he wants a relationship with me but also wants to continue with his current domestic situation. We’ve met on a number of occasions which have all ended up in bed.

He tells me he loves me, is in love with me and that he knows I love him too. Initially I found his attention exciting but now I'm finding it overwhelming. On several occasions I've had to ask him to back off but instead of giving me space he ramps up his declarations of love and the number of texts/emails.

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I can’t see a future for us because I don’t want an affair and that seems to be all that’s on offer but how do I get him to accept that? His response is “we’re so good together why not enjoy what we have instead of looking for perfection.” The more I withdraw from him the more obsessive he becomes yet he still just wants an affair. Any advice?

There was a story in the tabloids in August about a young man who briefly chatted with a woman in a park, asked could he call her, only to later discover that she had given him the wrong number.

Most women, and any man who has ever listened to a woman about how women are both socialised to be polite and have had experiences where outright rejecting a man’s advances has ended with the man becoming aggressive, could recognise the fake number incident for what it was: a woman rejecting a man, in the safest way she knew how.

However, this is not how the young man, nor the tabloids, interpreted the woman’s actions. Instead, the man went to the street where he had somehow gleaned that she lived, and posted 100 letters on lamp-posts and through every single letter box on the street. The tabloids then picked up the story, calling this man “a lovestruck Romeo”, encouraging the woman to contact him.

And voila, a man ignoring a woman’s boundaries and her rejection, trying to hunt down where she lived, posting letters to her and her neighbours, appearing in newspapers pleading her to go out with him, using public pressure to coerce her into doing what he wanted, was suddenly declared the epitome of romance.

I tell you this story because it is the perfect example of how skewed our idea of love and romance and seduction is. Our ideas of romance and seduction – which have always centred heterosexuality – are based on the idea that a man should relentlessly pursue a woman, regardless of her feelings, until he turns a “no” into a “yes”. It’s the basis of so many “romantic” films: the man gets turned down for the first two acts, only for his persistence to be rewarded in the end. It’s also the basis of rape culture: she might be saying no, fellas, but she really means yes.

This man is playing on these ideas in order to harass and control and intimidate you. He’s sending messages saying he loves you – but you know that this is not love. He is already married, has no desire to give you commitment or a relationship, has no desire to respect anything you want – including your desire for him to leave you alone.

Your boundaries

He’s telling you that “he knows you love him too” because he thinks he has the right to tell you your own feelings, and ignore all of your boundaries because he knows better than you. When you express your very understandable desire for a committed relationship, he tells you that you’re being high maintenance, in order to make you doubt your own self-worth, your ability to judge your own needs. When you tell him to stop, he ramps up his attention and communication not to assert his love, but to asset his dominance. You don’t get to say no to him. When you do, he will increase his attention – to increase his control.

He is trying to wear you down. He is trying to intimidate you into staying with him

He does not do what you ask, respect your boundaries or give you what you need, because he is not trying make you love him. He is trying to wear you down. He is trying to intimidate you into staying with him. He is ignoring you saying no, to train you to always say yes to him. He does not want you to be happy or feel safe or feel fulfilled, because he does not love you, he just loves the hold he has over you. That’s why he’s not letting go, why he is harassing you. And this is why you must leave. You know this.

I hate that I have to give you a list of things to do to keep yourself safe as you leave. It should not be your responsibility to have to keep yourself safe as you leave this man. He should simply respect your desire to leave and let you do so. However, as he has shown no respect for your boundaries and could escalate his harassment or even become dangerous, there are some precautions you should take.

First, tell your friends and family what has been going on so that they can support you. Then make a written record of your relationship – when it began, all the times you told him to leave you alone, every time he ignored your requests, the level of contact he forced – the number of phone calls, messages, etc. Include specific messages if you can.

Garda

Keep one copy, give one to a person you trust. If you feel comfortable, bring this document to the Garda – you do not have to press charges, but by making a statement to them, they will have your concerns on file and they can quickly process a harassment order if necessary. If he knows where you live and you think he could turn up at your house, stay with a friend or family member for a few days if possible.

Tell him, one final time, that you no longer want to see him and will be blocking his number (which you should do, but if you don’t, do not reply to his messages, but keep a record of them). Do not respond to his messages, ever again. Do not doubt for a second that you are making the right decision, or that his behaviour has been anything less than controlling harassment. Do not doubt for a second that you deserve so much more.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe