The elusive role of a godparent

From 'absent landlord' to 'useless', the views on being a godparent don't vary too much, writes SHEILA WAYMAN

‘IT IS true, I am a useless godfather,” admitted the novelist Martin Amis during a recent public spat with Anna Ford, the former newsreader and widow of his close friend Mark Boxer.

He held up his hands on this issue, while rejecting various allegations concerning his behaviour at her late husband’s deathbed more than 20 years ago.

In modern, secular society, it is hard to know how the performance of godparents is judged, as their role appears increasingly redundant. So what makes a good or bad godparent and does it really matter?

It clearly does to Ford. One of her two daughters, Claire, is Amis’s godchild but he never figured in her childhood. Claire was studying the work of Amis at university when she asked her mother if she knew anything about him.

“Oddly enough, I told her ‘he’s your godfather’,” Ford recalled in an open letter to Amis in the Guardian newspaper last month. “We invited you to lunch. You paid scant attention to Claire [didn’t even cough up the statutory five bob expected from godfathers!] and she hasn’t heard from you since.”

The repentant Amis replied that he now recognises a “lost opportunity” for involvement in the life of a child who was “abruptly fatherless”.

Fading into the background, albeit with a guilty conscience, frequently goes with the territory of being a godparent. Most people canvassed for this article identified with the “useless” sentiment expressed by Amis.

Actor Owen Roe has heard all the Marlon Brando impressions but he is not too sure what exactly a godfather is supposed to do. He describes himself as an “absent landlord” when it comes to his role as godparent to Jennifer and Niamh, now both in their 20s. Jennifer is daughter of a cousin whom he rarely sees, while Niamh is daughter of a close friend, advertising director Pearse McCaughey.

It was nice to be asked to be a godparent, Roe stresses, and he recalls attending the First Communion and Confirmation parties. However, he believes it has become a “non-position” for people, partly because of the weakening of religious connections and secondly because of the changing nature of childhood.

“Kids nowadays are so sussed and independent so early on,” he points out. “I think I would more likely be turning to Niamh for support than her to me!”

Despite the sharp decline in church attendance in Ireland over recent years, the vast majority of newborn babies are still taken on a trip to the font – with at least two godparents in their wake.

They may go through the motions of promising to help bring up the child in the faith, but the reality is that most consider themselves doing very well if they remember birthdays.

One church-going godparent who was prepared to live up to the name says she asked the non-attending parents of her godson did they want her to tell him Bible stories.

“Oh God no,” was the answer. They just needed her name to go down on the Catholic baptismal certificate which, they hoped, would be his passport to the national school of their choice.

Another mother who wanted a low-key baptism for her child tried to have it done without godparents. When the priest told her that wouldn’t be possible, a couple of the people who were in the vicinity were drafted in.

That, the mother presumed, would be the first and last of these strangers’ involvement with her child. But no, the hastily appointed godparents faithfully send gifts on birthdays, leaving the parents wondering just how they are going to explain this to their child later in life.

Writer and actor Rose Henderson was not compelled to line up godparents for her four children, as they were baptised in the Methodist Church where the parents can suffice. She believes godparents rarely fulfil the job description.

“I would prefer nobody assigned to do the job rather than somebody assigned to the job and not doing it,” she explains, adding that she and her husband, Derek, are, in practice, the children’s godparents anyway.

Matters of faith are very much left to the parents nowadays, says Fr Tony Flannery, a Redemptorist preacher based in Athenry, Co Galway. He suggests that any intervention by godparents would probably not be taken that kindly.

Now in his 60s, he tries to recall who his godparents were; he remembers his godfather but not his godmother. “Neither of them played any part or saw themselves as having to play any part. In the time of adult baptisms it may have had more meaning but certainly not in my lifetime.”

The idea of godparents in the early days of the Christian church was to have somebody to instruct and vouch for adult converts.

Even if it is just a formality, it is still an honour to be asked, Flannery adds. “People are generally pleased.”

The nub of the godparents’ role is the sharing of the faith, says the Church of Ireland Bishop of Cork, Paul Colton. “How they share it is a matter for them. Some give a present of a Bible and then abandon ship.”

The stipulated role of godparent, as with lots of things in church law, is based on two premises which really no longer pertain, he points out. “One is that most people are religious and the other is that we live in a fairly static world where people work, live and die in the one community.”

Colton has three godsons and two goddaughters himself. Obviously he is an ideal godparent?

“I wouldn’t say that!” he replies. “In a mobile world, keeping in touch meaningfully as a godparent can be a real challenge.”

He adds that, despite all the changes in society, people still value being chosen as a godparent. “It is an affirmation of friendship and connections.”

Novelist and short-story writer Éilís Ní Dhuibhne says she was “extremely chuffed” to be asked to be a godmother, although she puts herself in the same category as Amis, ie useless. But her actions would suggest otherwise.

“I have three godchildren, two boys and one girl: Fiach, Emmet and Grainne,” she explains. “I try to remember their birthdays and send a card and a present.” She occasionally meets her goddaughter, while she sees her godsons, who are also her nephews, at family events.

“I have had no influence on their spiritual development, I am afraid,” she says. “At least, not directly – I have dedicated books to all three of them, so they may have been influenced by the books.”

Fashion designer Deborah Veale also expresses guilt about her inadequacy as a godmother to eight-year-old Nicholas Mutter, who lives in Kinsale, west Cork, with his mother, a close friend of Veale.

“I am appalling on birthdays,” she says. “Every now and again I make up for it in a big way; it kind of balances out I think.”

She has bought him Tommy Hilfiger chinos and shirt for his First Communion in May. “I will be there, spoiling him rotten,” she says.

Veale thinks it is important to have some kind of religion growing up “and then later on you can do what you want”.

Being a godparent is primarily “a back-up thing”, she says. “I don’t know whether people take it on and wonder will they ever end up the legal guardian of this child.”

Godparents do not have any legal standing in the event of the death of the parents – unless they are nominated as guardians in the will.

“A godparent is there to spoil,” adds Veale, “to give the extra treats that shouldn’t be expected.”

Be a useful godparent

A useful godparent is somebody who is likely to:

• Maintain a life-long, caring relationship with your child.
• Be generous in the giving of time and gifts.
• In theory at least, be a committed member of the church into which you are baptising your child.
• In practice, be someone with a similar attitude as you towards faith, to avoid future disagreements.