Are you a separated father facing your first Christmas away from your children? Or have you been living apart from your children for some years?
Either way, it’s important to think about how you are going to negotiate Christmas, a time when emotions can run high and conflict is all too close to the surface.
Treoir, the non-government organisation that advocates for unmarried parents and their children, has four useful points on its website (treoir.ie) on the question of Christmas and separate parenting.
First, will both parents be with the children on Christmas Day? If not, with which parent will the children spend the day? Is the other parent aware of this?
I would add that while the last question may seem strange, it is often unquestioned assumptions that lead to conflict – better to sort it out now than on Christmas Eve. And if one parent is left in ignorance of the other parent’s expectations, Christmas Eve is when matters might very well come to a head. If feelings are running high, perhaps a diplomatic go-between (a mutual friend, for instance) might be able to help?
Another point from Treoir: if parents are not with the children for the full Christmas Day, might it be an option for both parents to be with the children for part of the day, for example, when they open their presents? If this is not an option, when and where will the other parent give the children their presents?
These are painful details to have to negotiate but ignoring them until the last minute is unlikely to help.
Celebrate a different day
Treoir suggests that perhaps the parent who does not have the children on Christmas Day could celebrate Christmas with them on St Stephen’s Day, or New Year’s Day. Or parents could agree to alternate Christmas Days each year.
Here’s a red flag question: if either parent has a new partner, should the partner be there for Christmas Day celebrations? I guess the answer varies from family to family.
Your children may have to get used to a “new normal” so think carefully about your decision. And I’m not underestimating the painful feelings this sort of question brings to life.
I would add a few points of my own:
Try to arrange visits to grandparents. They matter to children and a visit to grandparents is part of Christmas for most children.
Are your children and your ex-partner’s children living in the same house? If so, consider including the other children when buying presents. It might stick in your craw but it might also be a good investment for future relationships.
Meeting of minds
If you can, try to have a meeting of minds with your children’s mother regarding presents so that they don’t become a source of conflict. If the mother has told the child that a new iPad Air is out of the question, then you probably shouldn’t be buying one for him or her without agreement.
If you cannot see your children, you can send cards and presents. Keep yourself well and spend as little time as possible dwelling on the situation.
Finally, a word to absent warriors, as in people other than the parents, advising a father or mother to ratchet up the hostilities at Christmas usually isn’t a good idea. “I wouldn’t stand for that if I was you” is rarely a helpful piece of advice.
As Treoir puts it on its website: “There are no ready-made answers to these questions. Each family needs to work out its own solutions and this will take time and patience.”
Treoir will post more shared parenting tips on its Facebook page (facebook.com/treoir) closer to Christmas Day.
“It is reassuring for children to see their parents co-operating at this special time of year and there are many ways you can make life easier for both yourself and your children, if you plan ahead,” Treoir says.
Christmas is a month away. If you haven’t broached the subject of arrangements already, now is the time to get going.
pomorain@yahoo.com Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email.