ASK THE EXPERT:I don't know who my daughter's 'hanging out' with on the web – and it terrifies me
Q Our daughter is almost 16 and in transition year. She is a very good student with a sensible attitude – it has always been easy to reason with her. She is an only child, moderately shy but has a few close friends, though none live nearby.
However, I recently discovered that over the past few months she has developed relationships with people on the internet – some are outside of the country and sometimes she uses the webcam.
Of course, I wasn’t introduced to any of these people, so I don’t know who she’s “hanging out’’ with on the internet. She assures me she follows all the well-documented safety guidelines, but frankly it terrifies me.
At this point in a teenager’s life it is not possible to police their activities by keeping the computer in a family room as is normally recommended – she would be home alone from time to time in any case and could do what she wants then. I’m confused about the direction this is taking her in, and anything I read about it is really scary. What would you advise in this situation?
AIt sounds to me like you have a relatively good relationship with your daughter. You describe that it has always been easy to reason with her. Rely on this relationship to provide you with a platform to talk to her about her internet use and the relationships that she is forming there.
Despite her assurances that she minds herself online, I think you should reiterate the dangers that you see and let her know how worried you are that she could come to harm. Also, ask her to specify the “safety guidelines” she is following and have done your own homework about ways to keep safe online, so that you can have a good discussion with her about her internet habits.
A good resource for you, and other parents in similar situations, is www.webwise.ie, an Irish site dedicated to keeping adults, teenagers and children aware of how to keep safe online.
You are right to recognise that your capacity to monitor or “police” her internet use is limited. Indeed, mobile phone internet access has reduced this further for many parents. Irrespective, part of the developmental maturation we must allow for teenagers is their greater freedom and independence.
Hopefully, you would naturally have to police less at her age and leave her to have more decision-making about her online behaviour anyway.
If it is the case that you are happy to leave more decision-making in her hands then you must appeal to her common sense, her self-worth and her personal responsibility as the key factors that will influence how she relates with others online.
This is the time, therefore, that you can talk generally about self-respect and respect for others in relationships. Broaden the discussion past the internet and into the realm of relationships generally. Don’t assume that the friendships she is forming online are bad or damaging for her.
I am not sure what you mean when you say, “I am confused about the direction that this is taking her in . . . ” I interpret that to mean that you are worried about whether her moderate shyness may be leading her to withdraw from face-to-face friendships and turn more to friendships that are mediated by distance and the internet.
Don’t forget that we are all searching for intimacy in relationships. We all want to be understood and to feel that others care about us, warts and all. I would imagine that your daughter is seeking the same things. It is possible that she feels greater intimacy with some of the friends that she is making online.
This often happens because under the guise of internet “anonymity” people take greater risks in self-disclosure and share more about their intimate feelings because the risk of face-to-face judgment and rejection is not there online. As a consequence, online relationships often reach a more emotionally intimate level sooner and this is very reinforcing.
If you are confused as to the influence of online relationships for your daughter, then talk to her about all of these kinds of things and, importantly, let her know what your views and opinions are about them.
Encourage her to let you get to know some of her online friends, just as you would if they lived nearby.
It is okay to seek clarity from her about what these relationships mean for her. In fact, she could find your genuine, uncritical, interest very supportive.
Indeed if she does perceive that you are genuine and open, then this could be just the opportunity to foster a new level in your own relationship with her.
You know she has a sensible attitude and it is this maturity that you may well be able to connect to in your development of a more adult relationship with her.
* David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster
** Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irishtimes.com