Adopting a different approach to families

Hollywood celebrities may make adoption look easy, but for many families, it is a long, emotional and, at times, difficult journey

THERE WAS a time when the traditional family unit of two parents and a couple of biological children was the accepted norm – anything which deviated from this ideal was seen to be somewhat unusual and potentially problematic. Times have changed.

The modern family unit is made up of all sorts of variables and children today don’t seem even marginally concerned that their best friend may not live with two parents, one of each gender, might spend half his time with one and the rest with the other or look and sound completely different from the rest of his siblings.

For many couples, conceiving naturally can be an issue and adoption has becomes an option. It is estimated that up to 400 Irish families a year are adopting children from abroad.

And although celebrities such as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt make adoption seem effortlessly glamorous, in reality, the process can take longer and the settling-in period can be more difficult than the Hollywood ideal leads us to believe.

Peadar Maxwell is a senior psychologist with a special interest in adoption and early childhood trauma. He has helped many newly formed families ease into their new situations.

“Adoptive families face many teething problems, some which are common with the arrival of a birth child,” he says. “There is disruption to routine, loss of free time and couple intimacy, the normal child-rearing stresses and expenses and also how to integrate the newest family member into an established extended family.

“Other difficulties may include language differences, the child’s sense of loss for their birth family or their previous care setting, the reaction of other children in the family, emotional or developmental delays and the wider community’s lack of understanding of the intricacies of adoption.”

But Maxwell says the key to success is to admit the enormity of the change, make allowances and give everyone time to adapt.

“The most important thing is to say ‘We are new to this, we are doing our best but we will need help and support in this important task,’” he advises.

“Adoptive parents are healing parents. They have all of the responsibilities and tasks that people experience when they welcome a birth child with the added responsibility of adjustment to a new home and culture for them and their child.

“Bonding is what happens when a parent connects with their child and the two begin to enjoy one another,” Maxwell continues.

“A much deeper and important aspect of the child and parent relationship is attachment. This is when the child wants to be held, goes to the parents when distressed and chooses their parents over strangers; this all takes a great amount of time.

“Talking to other adoptive parents can be a huge help, especially if those other parents have a positive outlook and have adoption-specific solutions that have helped their own children.

“There’s a wealth of advice and literature available to adoptive parents. I would suggest sticking to known, accredited sources of information such as regulated bodies and books written by adoption and attachment specialists respected in their field.”

Niamh Holland is a single mother of two young boys. In her mid-40s, she works as a clinical psychologist in Dublin and adopted her first child in 2007.

“Both of my sons, Alan (6) and Matthew (2), are from Russia,” she says. “I started to think about the idea of adopting in 2001 after talking to a few people who had been through the process. And I put my name on the HSE waiting list in 2002.

“This is a very lengthy process with lots of stages and paperwork. I got my first declaration in 2006 after an initial preparation course which consisted of six sessions one morning a fortnight for three months.

“Following the course, each person or couple was assigned an individual social worker who conducted the individual assessment and wrote the home study report which forms the basis of any adoption application.”

After she had completed all the necessary checks, assessments and coursework, the Dublin woman finally got to meet the baby who would become her first son. Shortly after, she applied to adopt another boy who would be his little brother.

“I met Alan in October 2006 when he was nearly seven months old,” she says.

“It was an emotional experience and after a few long months he came home in March 2007 – it was St Patrick’s Day.

“He is a fantastic boy who is fully integrated and is now in senior infants in the local Gael Scoil and sleeps with a hurley under his pillow because he is so committed to GAA.

“As soon as I came home with Alan, I applied for a second assessment as I am the youngest of four and family is important so I didn’t want him to be an only child if at all possible. The second assessment was a little shorter although it was still a matter of waiting lists and more endless forms and appointments.

“I got my second declaration in January 2010 and travelled to Saratov in July to meet Matthew who was then nine months. He came home in October 2010 when he was 13 months old.”

After a decade of planning, Niamh’s family was complete and her two little boys have bonded like biological brothers.

“The real success story of all of this is that the boys absolutely love each other,” she says.

“From the night Matthew came home they have been as thick as thieves, they also fight like most brothers but Matthew can’t wait to collect him from school every day and Alan always has a smile for him.

“I hope I am not making it sound like we are the Brady bunch but I really have been lucky and have made great friends with other families who have children from Russia and other countries.”

Mark and Ann Porter from Wexford have two children. Ten-year-old Joshua is their birth son and two-year-old Isobel was adopted from Russia last year, after the couple found it wasn’t possible to conceive a second time.

“We wanted to give our son a sibling and complete our family so after being diagnosed with secondary infertility, we decided to look into adoption,” recalls Mark, an osteopath.

“We went on a waiting list for a year with an adoption agency in Dublin and then undertook a preparation course for three months. Following that, a social worker thoroughly assessed us over an eight-month period and then we were granted our declaration.

“The arrival of our daughter Isobel in June 2011 was very surreal. It was the culmination of 10 years of hard work. As this one-year-old girl stood beside us it was difficult to believe that she was now our child.”

A year later, the family has overcome the initial teething problems and the little girl is now fully integrated into their lives.

“There have been so many ups and downs in the past year and as we reach Isobel’s first anniversary home, it is a time for reflection,” says Ann who works as a social worker.

“This time last year she was a frightened little girl who did not know what a mommy, daddy or brother was. She was babbling in Russian and had never heard our language or been inside a family home.

“She had never felt the wind on her face or seen rain. The sun had never touched her beautiful skin. She had never been in a car or seen an animal of any kind. She rarely enjoyed cuddles or one-to-one interaction or touch. She had never had a bubble bath and felt the softness of a warm towel.

“She never had toys she could call her own or even better a big brother who would carry her around with pride and joy and she had never read a book on the lap of someone who loved her.

“Isobel is now, after a year, recognising us as her family. When she meets new people she wants to introduce us to them and with her recent language acquisition she will declare with pride ‘this Mummy, this Daddy, this Joshua and this me’.

“She is learning to trust that she is safe here. She adores her big brother and waits eagerly for him at the school gate every day. They embrace each other and it is a beautiful moment as they walk hand in hand to the car.

“She is our daughter now and we love her and are fully committed to her and will provide all that she needs with the help and support of a professional and personal network.”

“Difficulties may include language differences, the child’s sense of loss for their birth family or their previous care setting, the reaction of other children in the family, emotional or developmental delays and the wider community’s lack of understanding of the intricacies of adoption

PEADAR MAXWELL, senior psychologist with a special interest in adoption and early childhood trauma, advises:

Allow yourself to grieve past issues:If past losses through bereavement or infertility are unresolved, parents can be less available emotionally to be playful, to accept, to have empathy for themselves, their partner and their challenging child.

Maintain ties with the adoption community:Other adoptive families can be a great source of information, support and friendship. As with all walks of life you may experience negativity or denial. Seek the company of parents who are realistic but positive.

Get informed:Look out for seminars and information days on the various topics that you are experiencing or that may become more relevant in the future (such as workshops on attachment, life story, identity, telling about adoption).

Be open with professionals:Social workers in adoption services have a huge amount of experience and knowledge in adoption issues. You may need to talk to your GP, the public health nurse or a psychologist with knowledge of attachment and/or adoption.

Read books:Books written by experienced practitioners and researchers in the area of adoption are plentiful. Books offer a fairly neutral way to explore the topics that may arise as your child matures.

Mind yourself:Try to find time to do the little things you have always liked doing. By taking turns a couple can make time for exercise, sleep and time out. A single parent would be wise to find a trusted friend or loved one to provide some rest and relief for them.

Remain positive:All of the effort you are putting into your child now will pay off. Parents can lose confidence in their parenting if things don't appear to be improving quickly enough. The first years are hard work. They can't be rushed.

Get advice:Seek and accept help. You may have to step out of your family for help for yourself or assessment of your child.

See hse.ieand aai.ie

* It is estimated that up to 400 Irish families a year are adopting children from abroad