Tom Doorley in a popular Sandymount restaurant
First things first. No point in beating about the bush. I would rather re-fuel in Burger King than eat again in Mario's of Sandymount. It would take a very determined wild horse to haul me through its doors. But it has to be said that I'm in a small minority in this respect. Everyone I know seems to think Mario's is, in the words of Sellars & Yeatman, "a good thing".
And on the balmy summer evening that I repaired there with a friend, the place was buzzing. So busy, indeed, that the floor was far from pristine. And the men's loo was not exactly a delight to the eye: too many scrunched-up tissues lying about. Perhaps a more rigorous management system would do the trick. Having a couple of waiters lounging about outside smoking, at peak service time, doesn't give the impression of military-style discipline. Heaven knows what Gordon Ramsay would say, but it would certainly have to be rendered with a generous garnish of asterisks and bleeps. Having phoned a few days beforehand to make a booking, I was told that they don't take them. It was a surprise, therefore, to be told that two empty tables near the door were reserved. A manager-type person, having told us this, waved in the general direction of a window and told us that our (very small table) was "over there" as he headed off.
Starters were passable and certainly edible. They were ...er... "Magic Mushrooms" and gnocchi with a gorgonzola cream sauce. The button mushrooms were creamy and very garlicky, while the gnocchi seemed at first to be quite naked. The cheese sauce, which was tasty enough, had failed to adhere and lurked at the bottom of the plate. I should have known the lie of the land when our waitress asked me if I wanted either chips or baked potato with my cannelloni. I have nothing against carbohydrates, as such, but this was surely de trop.
These three tubes of pasta came with a dollop of white sauce which, to my taste buds at any rate, was completely devoid of flavour. They came also with a similar dollop of a tomato substance. Now Mario's kitchen may spend days preparing this sauce, lovingly tending it as it reaches completion. But, if I were them, I'd simply take a few scoops of the stuff that comes in big tins and which is smeared on to pizza bases before the topping goes on. That's what it tasted like to me. The pasta element was appropriately al dente but the meat filling was a curious-looking affair. It was beige with a hint of green herb, and contained pine nuts. Delicate soul that I am, I left most of it.
My companion's pizza was bizarrely lacking in flavour. We both manfully chewed our way through several slices, brows furrowed in concentration, but flavour came there none. And while the base looked like it had been cooked in a genuine wood-fired oven, it was oddly flabby and flaccid. I have no idea how they achieved this effect.
This was a "Pizza Mario", described on the menu as "an intriguing mix of two fresh eggs, Parmesan Cheese, and Fresh Parsley". Unusual Mix of Capital Letters, certainly, but it really was intriguing. We expected the two eggs to be still more or less intact; what we got was a pizza topping which was, in effect, a bizarre form of scrambled eggs beneath a layer of cheese.
Desserts were decent enough. A gondola split was essentially ice cream and banana, while the tiramisu, despite a distinct lack of physical beauty, tasted very good indeed.
If I were a shareholder in the business, I would be congratulating the team on a successful formula. As a punter, I'm not going back. The bill came to €77.75 including mineral water, wine and a brace of coffees.
WHICH WINES?
We ordered Goats do Roam (geddit?) red, a decent buy at €19.25, this being a punning if not stunning wine from the great Charles Back of Fairview Estate in the Cape. His rather serious Goat Roti is not listed here (try Oddbins). Generally, this is a collection of the usual suspects, with various big brands, fairly priced. The wine list comes with excruciating tasting notes. Of Wolf Blass Red Label Shiraz/Cabernet (€22.95) it says: "Medium brick red in colour, with an attractive berry fruit bouquet and integrated clean oak. Suitable to accompany most foods and most occasions." Of a Chenin Blanc: "Bright, light silver in colour..." Silver? That's a first.
Mario's, 2A Sandymount Green, Dublin 4, 01-2695992 (no bookings)