Irish-born butler Sean Davoren, who trains staff at Buckingham Palace, has written a book correcting children's manners. Kate Holmquist takes a lesson in etiquette
The man who trains Buckingham Palace's butlers is too discreet to say that, when he has eaten out in Ireland, he has seen children behave like animals while their disinterested parents keep their heads down at the trough and get drunk with their friends. Sean Davoren is an "executive-lifestyle manager", as butlers are now called, of 30 years' experience. We all know what he means when he says that the current generation of children "have bundles of confidence but have never learned good manners".
Many under-eights, for example, haven't a clue how to eat with knives and forks, says Davoren, the Limerick-born head butler of the five-star Lanesborough hotel, in London. Davoren, who has five children, has even seen children from aristocratic families flummoxed by the Lanesborough's cutlery, because they eat fast food so often. Others eat in front of the television all the time, which makes them feel awkward sitting at a table, and they find the idea of making conversation while eating "rather bizarre". Some children, whose parents travel constantly, have never enjoyed family meals, because they always eat at the kitchen counter with their minders.
He has seen children have food fights, bounce on furniture and throw juice on his hotel's staff because it has "bits in it". The most precocious have ordered staff around like little emperors - basically, the same thing some children get up to in local family restaurants, but with a higher price tag in more luxurious surroundings.
Davoren and some of his 24 fellow butlers were once asked to move furniture around in a hotel bedroom at the whim of a rude young child for a full 45 minutes, while the parents looked on with pleasure at their child's management skills. Perhaps such a child is the type who will later be successful in life, although Davoren can't see it happening.
Davoren, who believes that good manners allow children to "access all areas", says that Italian children have the worst manners and American children the best but that, in general, Irish children are typical of children internationally in their lack of savoir faire. "I see a cultural difference to the Ireland I grew up in. People are going out more, there are more restaurants, and people let their children run a little bit wild. It's unrealistic for parents to expect a child to sit for two or three hours and amuse themselves with no interaction from the adults," he says. "Children love to push boundaries, and they may be inclined not to follow expectations and rules if parents don't demand it."
Children who lack boundaries and structure, whether or not their parents are wealthy, come across as discontent and "a little bit lost". He recalls an extravagant birthday party for a little girl whose parents had a hotel ballroom converted into a rainforest, complete with live monkeys and exotic birds. The presents were diamonds and Cartier jewellery. The girl burst into tears and was happy only when she was allowed to sit on her father's lap and eat cake while her mother stroked her hair.
Davoren is no fuddy-duddy. His own childhood was "suppressive", as it was for most of his generation, and he doesn't want a return to those days. Children need to be confident and expressive to compete, but he does believe that the pendulum has swung a bit too far towards anarchy.
"Ireland has changed so drastically, with so many separated couples and newly re-formed families. I don't think the Irish are coping with it very well. They're buying their children off with materialistic things, which are important, but children need tender loving care and one-to-one time. Irish fathers are pretty bad in this regard. Traditionally, they have never been accustomed to taking a role in the home and have left it to the mother - and they still do."
The newest money is often accompanied by the greatest lack of manners, he has found at the Lanesborough. The Irish women he meets at the hotel are always elegant and beautifully dressed, he says, but the men can let the side down. One well-known Irish businessman set out to impress his guests with his charm and wit over a crucial business lunch at the Lanesborough, but then he began to drink from his finger bowl. "I have seen some Irish with new-found wealth letting themselves down by behaving very arrogantly. Old Dubliners with old money knew how to behave and treat staff," says Davoren. Shouting grandly and loudly at waiters while finger-clicking like a Spanish dancer fails to impress anyone, never mind the staff.
Davoren can do little about the way adults behave at the Lanesborough, as his job is to keep them happy "as long as it's legal". Children enjoy learning, though, and five years ago Davoren found himself being asked by parents staying at the hotel to teach their children table manners. One of his first clients was a mother who came to him in a tizzy because her daughter had eaten with her fingers while dining with Prince Andrew and his daughters.
What began as an occasional, informal, tutorial turned into monthly lessons in etiquette for groups of eight children, at £85 (€125) a head. (Ironically, he sometimes had to teach the children manners while their parents chatted on their mobile phones and smoked cigarettes.) It wasn't long before Davoren was asked to write a book on the subject; the result, Manners from Heaven, was published this week.
The book is for children and parents to read together, and it includes enjoyable exercises for them to practise. Each chapter is designed to be used in an hour of "special time" between parent and child. Davoren is convinced that parents teach manners by example and gentle instruction, and that whipping your child into a frenzy of nerves before going out for dinner is counterproductive.
He is convinced that families should sit down together to eat at a properly set table once or twice a week, even if it means parents occasionally returning home from work an hour earlier. This time and commitment become evident when the children eat out in public, he says.
Manners from Heaven is a humorous, unpretentious, easy-to-read guide to manners that will make you and your children feel comfortable anywhere, whether it's Buckingham Palace or the local Italian. For parents, it also explains how to give a children's party without being tempted to hide in the garden with a glass of wine and a cigarette.
Davoren's idea for breaking the habit of talking with a full mouth is typical of his fun-loving style. Parents and children should deliberately eat with their mouths full, watching each other to see how ridiculous it looks.
He got the idea from a rock-star mother, who was so fed up with her children spewing while they spoke that she began singing with her mouth full at the table. Her stunned children closed their mouths, but not before being warned: "Next time it will be opera."
Joanne Admiraal, a London-based mother, has seen Davoren's way with children first-hand. "Sean is fabulous, and I think the book is fantastic, even though I like to think my four children are ahead of their peers. I have no problems taking them anywhere in the world, and as a mother I don't usually worry at all about their manners, yet I would still find the book useful. I'm sitting down with them to go through the book, because it's about giving them confidence, the feeling that you can go anywhere and know the right way to behave."
She admits, though, that before she met Davoren she didn't know why a soup spoon is used the way it is. As for the tricky hamburger question - knives and forks or not? - she was relieved to find that answered, too, which goes to show that, no matter how good you think your manners are, there's always room for improvement, for parents as well as children.
Manners from Heaven: the Easier Way to Better Behaviour for all the Family, by Sean Davoren with Sue Carr, is published by Orion, £12.99
Decorum by Davoren
BURGERS Use cutlery if it is provided, as doing so will keep your clothes clean. The same goes for pizza and chicken legs, especially if they're dripping with sauce.
SOUP The bowl of a soup spoon is large because it is not intended to enter the mouth. Holding the spoon at right angles to your body, skim it across the soup away from you, dipping only the farthest edge of the spoon. This way, the side of the spoon that touches your lips doesn't become so hot that it burns you.
DESSERTSPOONS They are longer and thinner than soup spoons, as they are meant to be put in the mouth tip-first.
BURPING AND FARTING These natural functions can be unavoidable. Rude only when you laugh or make comments about them.
READING OR DRAWING AT THE TABLE An ideal diversion for under-nines when dining out.
LATE DINING Children aged 12 and under shouldn't be expected to behave like angels after 8pm.
FUSSY EATING If, say, you can't eat your steak tartare because you didn't understand the description on the menu, say so, nicely, and a good restaurant will replace it. Don't pretend that the chef is to blame.
IF YOU DROP FOOD OR CUTLERY ON THE FLOOR Draw the waiter's attention to it. Do not pick it up yourself.
NAPKINS Whatever they are made of, even kitchen roll, use them. Children under eight may tuck them into their collars. Paper napkins, aka serviettes, are perfectly acceptable. When excusing yourself from the table, the correct place to leave the napkin is on your chair.
EATING PEAS If you're under 10, you may rest the back of your fork on your plate and, using your knife, guide the peas on to your fork as if it were a spoon. If you're 10 or older, with your fork prongs facing down, use your knife to push the peas on to the prongs of your fork.
EATING APPLES Use your knife to cut the apple first in half and then into quarters. Take the core of each slice of apple and run your knife down it in a scooping action, not going too deep. Slice the quarters into bite-size slices if you wish.
SEATING PLANS Never put best friends together.