Question
I am of an age where all my friends are settling down and getting married and I am in that situation too − myself and my partner are planning a wedding sometime in the next two years and it all feels good.
Most of my friends are partnering up with people I like, or at least with people I don’t dislike, but I have one close friend who is marrying someone who is actually not good. I don’t say this lightly as I know it is not right to be judgmental, but I am very troubled, and my issue is that I don’t know if I should say something to her.
My partner is also close friends with this friend and is also struggling with what to do. For background, my friend has always been a rescuer, and she has had a series of boyfriends that she has “saved” from various things (families, bad influences, etc), but this one is by far the worst and she has a wedding planned.
Her boyfriend is a good-looking user of people − he does not have a job and seems to sponge off everyone, always on the brink of making money on a new product, but it never seems to happen. My friend owns her own house and has a good job and has been supporting her boyfriend for over a year now. I know she wants kids and would like to work less when this happens, but it seems less likely that she will be able to do it.
When we are all out, he orders drinks and uses her card to pay for everything and he seems completely insensitive to her needs, even letting her go home and continuing on with her card. He has a history of gambling (she told me this in confidence) and so this behaviour is especially disturbing. I really love my friend and worry that if I say anything she will be hugely hurt and push me away and this would make me miserable. But not saying anything is also feeling like it is creating a breach between us as I have to constantly hold back.
What should I do?
Answer
That you care deeply about your friend is very obvious and this is a great starting point for any conversation. Of course, as an adult, she is fully entitled to choose whomever she wants to spend her life with, but it sounds as though you are worried that she is not making this choice with full awareness.
It might ease your fear if you could understand her motives and know that she is doing this with full intelligence and knowledge. Could you ask her to meet up (a walk or a coffee) so that you can discuss something important? This is to stop you later from chickening out and having a discussion about any old thing.
When you do meet, you should be honest about your concerns, ie, that you love her, but are very worried that if you speak honestly, she might push you away, or it might influence your relationship. This discussion will let you know if you can proceed or not. If the discussion does proceed, then what you want to do is find out if she is making a fully informed decision, so your next questions should try to open up this topic. For example, you could ask her if she has any concerns about her future, what might the challenges be and how can you support her through any of these.
At all times, you can focus on the friendship lasting through thick and thin, and this assumption will keep the conversation on how solid you both are and that the friendship is for the long haul. Ask how you can assist with helping her map her future and let her know that you will support her, but you might like to offer challenges if she is open to this.
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This might be enough for a first conversation, but leave it with the proviso that you will both return to it next week and pick a time and place for this. It might be that you come to understand that she is devoted to this person and if this is the case, you might ask if she would like to discuss how to help him grow and develop – you can only do this if you actually mean to follow up on it, so make sure you are sincere before expressing this. As always, this conversation works best if it works both ways, are you open to asking your friend for comments or advice on your own relationship and how would you feel if she offered this to you.
Your friendship is on the cusp of becoming more meaningful, and if this is to happen, it involves some vulnerability and risk for both of you. We cannot predict how others will respond, but not taking the opportunity for authentic engagement could mean that the friendship will stagnate where it is and not develop any further. The choice is yours right now.
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