Dear Roe,
What do you think might be wrong with me? I am 53 years old, married, with four teenagers. I consider myself to be in a good place in my life. I have a newfound confidence and take pride in my determination to speak out against issues that concern me. Yet I seem to be very stressed and overwhelmed a lot of the time.
I have cut back on how often I listen to the news, as the world’s troubles were affecting me and I was feeling very angry about the hopelessness of it all. I would say I consider my plate to be quite full at the moment and resent when something else is added to it – even if that is unavoidable life admin. I feel like I am a hamster on a wheel, yet despite being aware of my stress and overwhelm, I cannot regulate myself.
If I do have an easier day, it’s only a matter of time until my thoughts and heart are racing again, and the anxiety takes over. It very often feels like for every step forward, I am taking two back.
READ MORE
It’s wonderful and important that you’re taking your anxiety seriously, and that you’re aware you deserve help, support, and to feel better. What is important now is that you take this burgeoning commitment to self-care that you’ve seeded with this letter to me, and you nurture it.
You should talk to your GP and reach out to a therapist, so that both can help you explore possible causes and supports. Your GP may be able to talk to you about lifestyle, possible hormonal causes, and anti-anxiety medication if appropriate, while a therapist can give you a safe and supportive outlet to discuss your feelings, as well as helping you with regulation and calming techniques.
If you are someone who isn’t used to prioritising yourself or hasn’t seen other people openly model what it means to take care of yourself in this way, these ideas may feel like you’re being self-indulgent, or like it’s a mark of weakness or failure that you need support. These are attitudes towards mental health that are sadly still common in Ireland.
Historically, Ireland has had huge issues of silence and stigma around mental health, and this can affect different demographics in different ways. There is thankfully more discussion around how men are socialised not to express their emotions or to seek help, with often devastating consequences, and there is still much work to be done on this issue.
But an often-overlooked group is middle-aged women and mothers in Ireland, who can so often deprive themselves of self-care. Ireland has very deeply embedded ideas of what it means to be a woman and a mother, often based around ideas of self-sacrifice, of caring for everyone before themselves, of never setting boundaries, and of assuming that suffering is an inherent part of love and motherhood. I need you to know that this isn’t true.
Women aren’t better mothers for failing to look after themselves. Feeling constantly anxious and depleted isn’t somehow noble. Loving your family and loved ones doesn’t mean you have to feel completely erased by the demands of family life. You are allowed to drop some responsibilities, you are allowed ask for help, and you are allowed (and should) seek out support. Doing so will help you feel more grounded as a person, and more present as a mother and partner, and it will help you enjoy your relationships more and give you energy for the things that make you feel alive and fulfilled.
[ I’m in my 60s with a pleasant companion – is it asking too much to want more?Opens in new window ]
You cannot pour from an empty cup, and your cup cannot hold water if it’s leaking. So attend to yourself; make sure you are feeling strong and that you are doing what you need to feel energised and replenished. Caring for others and giving from that head space will feel beautiful and rewarding and sustainable, not depleting.
It’s so wonderful that you have a newfound confidence and the courage to speak up about the things you value. Think of taking care of yourself as a way of protecting your ability to do so. “Self-care” is a word bandied about by marketing executives and advertisers to make women buy bath bombs and face-creams, but it has its roots in black feminist thinking. In her 1988 book A Burst of Light, queer black writer and activist Audre Lorde wrote: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
In this definition, self-care isn’t about prettiness or products. It’s about protecting your energy and mental wellbeing so you can fight for the things you believe in. So think about the things you value, the life you want to live, the way you want to make the world better for other people – and consider how you need to take care of yourself in order to do that. These things are often basic and unglamorous – resting, receiving emotional support, building community, replenishment, mental health care.
Remember that the ways you take care of yourself will teach your children vital lessons not only about how they can take care of themselves, but also about how to respect and honour women and mothers as people with their own needs, desires and selfhood beyond what they offer to others. When mothers take care of themselves, they are raising sons who can respect women’s individual needs, and daughters who feel empowered to do the same for themselves.
Is your partner doing an equal share of work at home and with the kids? Are your teenagers taking on enough responsibility around the house and in their lives?
There may be some small steps you can take now that would be helpful before and during your consultations with a doctor and therapist.
Firstly, limit your media consumption. Being well-informed and aware of the world’s injustice is important – but overwhelming yourself will result in paralysis. Humans were not designed to be constantly inundated with an endless stream of information about all the tragedies of the world. Our nervous systems weren’t designed for it. Pick your news and information sources carefully and engage mindfully – pick one time a day to check in, rather than having your nervous system spike endlessly throughout the day.
Also, seek out some local activism or volunteering or do something small in your community, preferably with people. Action brings us a sense of agency, channelling anxious energy into something tangible and meaningful. Focusing outwards on other people rather than spiralling in your head can be really helpful.
It’s a cliche for a reason, but exercise in the fresh air helps because it allows pent-up energy to move through the body, and connecting with nature in some small way breaks the trapped feeling that being online constantly can create.
Pay attention to your resentment. Resentment often occurs when we have not respected our own boundaries, and when we feel like someone else has permission to do (or not do) something we desperately want. Examine where you are doing too much work; what tasks can you drop or delegate; and where are the spaces where you are jealous of someone else’s rest, free time, hobbies, lack of responsibility? How can you claw some of that back for yourself?
[ I’m in my 50s and want to start over with the one who got awayOpens in new window ]
Is your partner doing an equal share of work at home and with the kids? Are your teenagers taking on enough responsibility around the house and in their lives? Are you taking on responsibilities of housework, parenting, emotional work that you can put to one side?
Think of the spaces where you are overburdening yourself, the ways in which you can ask loved ones for support, and reach out to experts and professionals who can help you. You deserve it. Good luck.
