Dear Roe,
A close friend has been in a serious relationship with a woman for a long time. From the outside, everything seems steady between them. However, over the past couple of years, I’ve been increasingly hearing rumours from various people suggesting she may have been unfaithful to him. These rumours seem to be fairly well-known within our small friend group, and beyond. I want to be clear: I haven’t seen or heard anything directly myself, it’s all second-hand information. While it’s come from several separate sources, there’s no concrete proof, so I’ve been hesitant to take it too seriously.
One of the more persistent rumours is that she got involved with a man while living in another county for a year. My friend laughed off their friendship, so it seemed innocent enough. But since then, the rumour has picked up again - including claims that she told people she was no longer in a relationship with my friend, but with this other man instead. Adding to the complication is the fact that she’s well-known in our area and, to be honest, not particularly well-liked in some circles. That makes it harder to know whether the rumours are rooted in truth, or just being spread because of her reputation. I worry people might be exaggerating or inventing things out of dislike for her, rather than based on anything factual. I feel loyal and protective towards my friend, and I hate to think he might be in the dark if something genuinely hurtful was going on behind his back.
At the same time, I know how damaging even the suggestion of infidelity can be - especially when it’s based purely on rumour. The last thing I want is to create doubt or distress for him if there’s nothing behind it. Should I stay quiet and trust that the truth, if there is anything to it, will come out in its own time? Or is it better to gently raise my concern with him - not to accuse, but simply to be honest about what I’ve been hearing, so that he isn’t the last to know? I’m genuinely torn.
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This is a really painful position to be in, because your instinct and integrity is pulling you in two opposite directions at once. On the one side is loyalty and the fear that your friend is being lied to and betrayed behind his back. On the other hand is caution and integrity in your word, knowing that gossip and repeating unverified rumours can do enormous harm. Both instincts are based in trying to do the right thing and trying to be respectful, which is why you feel so stuck.
Of course, if you knew for sure that your friend was being cheated on, you would tell him. But you don’t. And it’s worth naming at this point what you actually know, and the way information has reached you. All you have right now is second-hand information and rumours, some from people who don’t like this woman. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lying, but it does increase the possibility that they’re passing along rumours or innuendo as fact. If anyone had concrete evidence or more information, why have they not given you that evidence, confronted this woman about it, or already told your friend?
Either these are people who enjoy talking about other people’s relationships while not actually caring enough about your friend to tell him the truth, or they’re people who enjoy passing on gossip as fact – not trustworthy sources either way. Again, it’s not impossible that there is truth in these rumours, but the evidence at this stage is flimsy, and flimsy evidence isn’t enough to spread serious allegations and hugely impact on a relationship and a reputation. As you already know, once a suspicion is voiced, it can take root and corrode trust, even if it was unfounded. You’ve seen this play out with this woman’s reputation and can imagine how that would play out in your friend’s mind if you repeat the rumours.
[ ‘My friend’s affair with a married man is destroying our friendship’Opens in new window ]
If you continue to hear rumours, you could start asking more pointed questions when you hear them, asking for the source of the gossip or more evidence, asking why they’re gossiping about your friend while not telling him, and either getting more information or pointing out that people shouldn’t be repeating unfounded gossip. If you get any more concrete evidence, your approach to this situation may change. If not, you’ll be modelling that people shouldn’t be so nastily voyeuristic or contributing to someone’s hurt and possibly betrayal – and that is a way of protecting your friend from people who clearly don’t care that much about him.
The other piece here is that this relationship ultimately belongs to him. As much as you care about your friend’s happiness, it’s not your job to investigate or to warn him off based on whispers. What he’ll need most, whether the rumours are baseless or not, is a friend he can trust and someone who won’t add to the noise, who won’t make him feel judged, and who will stand by him if he ever does start to doubt – or indeed if his relationship falls apart.
That doesn’t mean silence forever. If your friend comes to you tomorrow and says he has suspicions about his girlfriend’s loyalty or if something gets back to him and he asks you whether you have heard anything, then honesty would be kind and important. You could tell him you have heard some whispers but nothing concrete, and you weren’t going to disrespect his girlfriend or worry him based on some nasty comments from people whose intentions you didn’t trust – but that if he’s asking, you want to be honest. This approach, that is reactive rather than pre-emptive, means you’re not prematurely planting suspicion, but you’re also not leaving him alone with his doubts and concerns should they arise.
Until then, the best way to be a friend right now is to be there for him and keep some open communication going and checking in on him, not mentioning the rumours but just asking how his relationship is doing, how they managed the distance, and how he’s feeling about their future. If there are any other nasty comments or attention focused on his girlfriend that aren’t related to her fidelity, you could even mention that she seems to get some negative attention, that it must be hard, and ask how it affects both of them. Questions like these give him space to share how he’s feeling without you having to put another person’s story in his head.
[ ‘My ex-fiance cheated on me. Do I tell his new girlfriend he can’t be trusted?’Opens in new window ]
The truth usually finds its way out in time. If there is any truth to the rumours about his girlfriend, what will matter most is not whether you warned him in advance, but whether you’re the kind of friend who doesn’t indulge in meritless gossip about him or his relationship, doesn’t enable nasty voyeurism, and are the kind of friend he feels safe turning to when he needs to. That kind of steady loyalty will serve him far more than any piece of hearsay ever could.
