The Collapsing Pantomime

SCENE 1

Alex: No, don’t go, my love!

Jane: (runs off stage)

Alex: Nooooooooooooooooooo

Jamie: Don’t worry, children, with a wave of my fairy wand everything will be fine and dandy! Now let’s take a break and eat some candy!

The Wizard’s Quest

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‘The never-ending question: Are you a boy or a girl?’

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‘I’m 16 years old, raised on the Barn of the Crumlin Road’

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Curtains close

Tom: That was a great first half, guys! Now I got some good news and some bad news!

Good news is: the restaurant down the road is offering a free meal if we promote their meal deal!

Jamie: That’s not good news! We’re meant to be actors!

Tom: Oh... well you’re not gonna like the bad news, then. I’ll tell you after, maybe!

Jane: Tom. Spit it out.

Tom: (mumbles) I spent all the money so I can’t pay you...

Jamie: What was that?

Tom: I can’t pay you because I spent all the money

Jane: Calm down, I’m sure it was important! What did you spend the money on?

Tom: Fireworks and lighting for the finale...

Jamie: Excuse me?

Tom: I said lighting and fireworks for the finale. Its gonna look epic! It’s gonna be like (explosion noises). Pew pew boom boom pow flash slash boom! Epic.

Jamie: Oh ... Give me a second... (deep breath) ... I’LL BITE YOUR FRIGGING NECK OFF, YOU INCOMPETENT DO-

Jane: (Holds Jamie back)

Jamie: Right everyone, we’re walking out! Give me that meal deal.

Jane: Wait, where’s Alex?

Jamie: If you don’t come right now, we’re gonna have words.

Jane: Oh ... okay.

SCENE 2

Toilet flush

Alex: Where is everyone? Isn’t the interval nearly over?

Tom: Yeah, you go on. They’ll be back any second ... I think.

Alex: So, you want me to go on before anyone else gets back?

Tom: Yep.

Alex: And you see no issues with that?

Tom: Nope.

Alex: Got it. All right, wish me luck!

Tom: (gives big thumbs up)

Audience: CLAPS

Alex: Oh my. Look: a glass slipper! I wonder why she left it! And in such a hurry too! (looks down, whispers) Tom! Where did the slipper go!

Tom: (Whispering) What slipper?

Alex: (Whispering) What do you mean what slipper?! It’s Cinderella!

Tom: (Loudly) Riiiiiiight, the slipper … Are you sure it’s not there?

Alex: (Loudly) I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S NOT HERE. (Looks to audience). Ah, I mean it is so very clear and beautiful it is almost invisible to the naked eye! Look at how beautiful it is! (Loud whispering) I’ll get you for this, Tom. (To audience) I will not rest until I find the owner of this slipper! Guards?

Total silence

Alex: Ah, I see you there! Did you say you would follow me to the ends of the earth to help me find my love?

(Barely contained anger)

Brilliant!

Large pause

Did you say we can sing and dance all the way there? …

Music starts

Alex (starts singing and doing a dance that is clearly supposed to have other people in it):

Here we go with all our friends,

It’s not so far together!

(Tom gives a big thumbs up)

The road is long, the forest dark

But we feel safe together!

When the going gets tough

It might feel rough

But we’ll be fine together

Pause

And now the mice dancers!

Tom: Shakes head violently, mouths NO!

Breakbeat begins

Alex: Seriously!? Um. Look children, they’re so small and far away you can hardly see their breakdancing!

O…kay

Let’s go then… Everyone… and find my love.

Alex walks off and the lights on stage dim. The lights come up again to show a kitchen, which is empty.

SCENE 3

Alex (being pushed on to stage): What do you mean, go back on? I’m not in this scene! It’s just Cinderella and the Fairy …

Tom: (Hands him a wig) You’ll be great. Jane’s on her way … You’ll be great.

Alex: (loud sigh, puts wig on and trudges on to stage, falsetto) Oh where oh where is my true love? How will he find me in this dark and dirty kitchen!? And where is my fairy godmother?

Waits

Alex: Did I hear you say she’s behind me?

Audience: NO!

Alex: Ah I see. (Whispering) Tom!

Tom: Yeeeees?

Alex: Where the heck is Jamie?

Tom: I think she went for lunch? Why?

Alex: Sheesh! Okay. I can feel your presence, Fairy Godmother. I think you would advise me to be patient and trust that he will come, and your magic wand will help him along the way with magical glitter and fairy dust.

A large amount of glitter falls in a clump, on Alex’s head. He wipes it away from his eyes.

Alex: Thank you, Fairy Godmother, for giving me that wonderful advice. And glitter. (sigh) I will trust in the wonderful magic and believe that the wonderful prince will come … wonderfully. I’m so happy now that I think I need a rest.

Starts to walk off but is shooed back on by Tom

Alex: All right, all right. Never mind children! I think instead of resting I want to do a happy dance with my Fairy Godmother.

Dances, ballet style. At first very awkward but as he dances he seems to get into it and finishes with a curtsy before running off. Lights come down, and up again on a street scene.

Tom: That was great, Alex, I knew you could do it!

Alex: Not one word. We will not speak of this. Now where is that bloody slipper?

Alex walks back on holding the slipper on a velvet cushion

Alex: Guards, knock on that door! Maybe my love is inside! (pause, covers mouth, deep voice). Yes, my Liege, I shall do it so fast you won’t even be able to see me move.

Alex sidles over to door and opens it before dashing back to original position

Alex: Wow, well done, Sergeant! You are a faithful friend! Ah, and here is the lovely lady of the house … Just behind the door frame where you can’t see her. But does the slipper fit!? Let me go in and see!

Goes inside – and does two voices

Alex: (high) Oh, good Sir, let me try that slipper on. Oh no, it is too small for my foot! (Low – for Guard): Don’t worry, Ma’am, the Prince is good and kind and you shall be rewarded… or something. (Falsetto): Yes! Thank you for trying(switches to normal voice) Yes! Thank you for trying, you shall be rewarded. To the house of my love…

Tom: You forgot to ask the audience!

Alex: Not now, Tom

Cinderella’s house

Alex: (low)We are now at the house of a lady! From what I’ve heard she isn’t very nice though! (normal) Oh well, we should at least give her a chance!

Knocks on door

Alex: (low) Hello, madam... sorry... Do you mind if we come in and try a slipper on the ladies of the house? (high but evil) Oh yes, I have three daughters and me, so I'm sure one of us will have the right fit! Evil laugh... (Normal): Okay then, that's not alarming! May we come in? (As evil stepmother): Yes yes yes yes please come in! (pause)

Walks inside, lights go up

Alex: Tom, please tell me they’re back. I can’t be all seven characters at once.

Tom: It can’t be that hard! They say they’ve nearly finished their sticky toffee pudding and only Jamie wants coffee. The rest of them are just going to finish their wine and then they’ll look for a cab.

Alex: FINE! (walks on to stage) Right, children. Hasn’t this been fun!? I’ve got an update for you. It seems the Fairy Godmother has decided on a career change. She thinks this whole thing was pretty misguided and cliched. What’s that, Fairy Godmother? (Falsetto): Cinderella should have more respect for herself! Is she really going to pick a husband based on one dance and his slightly obsessive but not very effective detective work? (Back to normal voice): That’s a fair point, Fairy Godmother, and I think I’ve been silly too. Who needs a monarchy anyway? I’m going to abdicate and become a cobbler.

Tom pulls him off stage protesting

Tom: They’re back!

Alex: Oh, they’re not going to like this!

Jane (Cinderella): Coming on from other side of stage, in street clothes, though she does have a tiara on, she seems to be a little merry from lunch

Yeah! That’s a great idea, Fairy Godmother! I don’t wanna be a princess anyway. Me and the mouse-dancers are going to go and start this place’s first political party!

Mouse dancers do some breakdancing

I’m gonna be president!

Mouse dancers cheer/squeak

Jamie (Fairy Godmother): Well, I’d like to work again! Even if you two don’t care. So... I will wave my magic wand! Enjoy being a cobbler and president, happy Christmas, children, and may twinkly fairy dust bless you all! Right you two... OFF.

Huge fireworks, flames, lightshow, extravaganza, smoke etc. but with nobody on stage.