Ringing out the old self, ringing in the new

GIVE ME A BREAK:BEING BORN OVER the Christmas/ January period is no fun, because having a birthday at this time of year condemns you to taking second place to the major holidays for the rest of your life.

Nobody wants to buy you a significant present because they've already bought your Christmas gift and people have so many parties to go to that staging one of your own that isn't for Jesus seems churlish.

Your family think that your Christmas present absolves them from the second obligation of your birthday a few days later. And if your birthday is on December 25th, those obligated to celebrate your birth with a gift are secretly congratulating themselves on having got a two-for-one deal.

My birthday is on January 2nd, a day when you will find me feeling very sorry for myself. All the parties are over and nobody, but nobody wants to party on January 2nd. They've survived Christmas and New Year's Eve and paid all their social

obligations and all they want to do is put their heads down and get back to work, or else hide under the duvet from the credit-card bills.

If you're lucky enough to have people willing to go out to dinner with you on January 2nd (this year it's a Friday) all the best restaurants are closed for their post-Christmas holiday.

And even if you do find a restaurant that's open, you'll find yourself attempting to celebrate at the only occupied table.

January 2nd is such a nothing day that if one had the choice, one would choose to have been born a month earlier or later.

Here's my solution: I'm changing my birthday to a better time of year. Not only will this cut six months off my age, it will guarantee me a better party.

July would be a good month to have a birthday. People are in good form and most people take holidays in August so July brings tremendous anticipation. My birthday could be a barbecue, or a sidewalk cafe meal or even an impromptu picnic at a country house concert. It would be raining, because this is Ireland, but at least there would be some chance of festive spirit.

Or, I could just choose a day at random and announce my birthday and force anyone interested to observe the day.

Not sure that would work. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir could celebrate my birth in person on my doorstep and it wouldn't matter. The thing is, I always become deeply depressed on my birthday. I always

have done. I don't want it acknowledged in any way. Even if my birthday was in July, I'd still be dolorous. Where does that come from?

Partly, I quite enjoy being depressed on my birthday and have done as long as I can remember. I love the turn of the year when you can hunker down into yourself and throw away the previous year and dream about the next one. It's quite a nice depression, actually, and I realise now that I've grown to look forward to it.

My birthday present to myself has become giving myself permission to have a few duvet days where I can feel sorry for myself, search for my life's meaning and generally do a mental house-clean. Those dark days between Christmas and January 2nd, when I'm growing a year older, make me feel strangely empowered. Time stops long enough for me to to reassess everything.

The turn of the year has a little-known byway called "inner self" - enter at your peril, but you'll be glad you did. A day in bed with a good book usually does the trick. A walk by oneself where no one is looking works too. And at the end, there's a mental goodbye sign - like those at lesser-populated villages - which says Slán. Thanks for coming. And when you enter the village of your inner self, there's no hotel charge.

You don't need to have a birthday at the turn of the year to feel that. A lot of people feel the same this time of year. Traditionally, the break between Christmas and New Year has been a time-stopping period where the trip you make - whether it's to a five-star resort or your own fireside - helps carry you over into the next 12 months.

In the "work harder and smarter" ethos, a lot of us will still be working, but we'll feel the draw nonetheless to find some solitude and time to reflect. What did I achieve in 2008? What will 2009 be like? I don't mind any more. Who I am today, on December 30th, is the same person I'll be tomorrow and the next day and the next, my birthday (don't ask how old, I've stopped counting).

I think I'm finished with assessing my accomplishments from year to year. My resolution - if I dare have one - is to live in the present and stop worrying about achieving resolutions. The life changes that make a difference, the little decisions that change our lives, are barely noticed. They have no date.