'Look good, don't scare children'

Robbie Williams is at it. So is Whitney Houston. But will it work? SINÉAD GLEESONgives her golden rules for a showbiz comeback

1) LOOK GOODWe live in a fickle world where the circled sweat rings of celebrities are cover stories. If your bingo wings ripple visibly when you triumphantly punch the air during the song's crescendo, it will be noticed. If you're determined to get plastic surgery, make sure your doc is not the dermatological equivalent of Dr Nick from The Simpsons.

2) BE COHERENTNo one is expecting a post-performance interview to reference Kafka or gravitational physics. However, disorientation and looking like you've been caning it for three solid days is off-putting (See Britney in 2007, Whitney on last Sunday's X-Factorand Ozzy Osborne all the time). Also, if you're Robbie Williams, remember to up your blink rate so you don't scare small children.

3) PLAY A SUITABLE VENUEMake sure your manager/friend/mother has booked somewhere befitting your giant reputation (or ego). Playing the community hall in Ballydehob just doesn't have the same cachet as playing Croke Park.

4) THE RIGHT PUBLICITYIt's all about being seen in the right places, especially when it comes to TV. Get yourself booked on to the Late Late Showor The X-Factor. Avoid the UK National Lottery show like a hardcore gambler. Only resort to City Channel if they agree to pay for your 22 back-up dancers.

5) DON'T TRY TOO HARDThree words: Britney's 2007 comeback. Don't wear unflattering underwear while gyrating unenthusiastically as if you hate your own song. This is the opposite of sexy, as is looking slightly foggy-eyed at the same time.

6) DANCE ROUTINEIf you were once a Duracell bunny on the dancefloor, fans will expect some effort in terms of a routine. Don't – as Robbie Williams did on The X-Factorrecently – resort to a bout of arrhythmic dad dancing. It's not pretty.

7) NO WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONSA now legendary phrase thanks to the inability of Janet Jackson's breast to stay inside her clothes, the WF will get you publicity but not of the family values kind. At least Whitney on Saturday had a great excuse: "I sang myself out of my clothes".

8) HAVE A GOOD SONGIt helps if your new single is not three minutes of unlistenable guff. Take That and Boyzone managed predictable if popular comeback singles that did well, but if for whatever reason your effort is gut-heavingly bad, do what Johnny Cash did — nick other people's (Nick Cave, Depeche Mode).

9) WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACKGet your publicist to rustle us some of their finest PR-speak for your "return". Nothing is too much, think "Renewed rebirth of" or "Transcendental reinvention of". Something catchy and alliterative always works.

10) BE YOURSELFOk, so John Travolta got a bad weave for Pulp Fictionand Mickey Rooney in The Wrestlerreminds us of the lion in The Wizard of Oz, but you've got to hand it to both. Being who you are and having bad hair reignites the most comatose of careers.