37 mostly appalling jokes to make you groan – and maybe even grin – through the day

We asked for your favourite jokes. Here’s our so-bad-they’re-good bank holiday selection

Here’s our so-bad-they’re-good bank holiday selection. Photograph: Marc Vuillermoz/Onoky/Getty

Here’s our so-bad-they’re-good bank holiday selection. Photograph: Marc Vuillermoz/Onoky/Getty

 

We asked our readers to send in their favourite jokes. Thanks to all those who contributed. These are the publishable ones

A polar bear goes to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist peers at him over the desk and says: “Well, the good news is, you’re not bipolar.” – Anthony Moore

“I didn’t see you at camouflage practice early this morning, Corporal Ryan!” “Thank you, sir!” – Thomas Devlin

My mother advised me to put on a fresh pair of socks every day during the winter months. After only four days I couldn’t fit into my shoes. – Sean Begley

A couple are having marital difficulties, and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor. At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage. The wife says: “We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unhappiness. To the right is reconciliation, love and lifelong happiness.” The husband says: “I think you’ll find that’s a T-junction.” – Ed Carty

Robinson Crusoe is the only person I know who had all of his work done by Friday. – Sheelagh McCormack

I came to the hospital because I accidentally swallowed invisible ink. I’m still waiting to be seen. – Mark Cummings

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of his paws, whereas a comma is a pause at the end of a clause. – Maeve Caraher

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. – Laura McEntegart

My wife announced she is leaving me, due to my obsession with the 70s band The Monkees. At first I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face. – Andrew McKnight

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound man. Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound man isn’t working? The hip replacement guy. – Marc Brown

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: 0mg. – Stephen McGovern

I don’t like the way my kids are always quick to blame other people. They get that from their mum. – Paddy Murray

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus. – Fionntán O’Donnell

The barman says: “I’m sorry, we don’t serve tachyons here.” A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar. – Keiran Walsh

What did the horse say to the one-legged man? “How are you getting on?” – Colum Farrelly

Little Baby Balloon was afraid at night and got into the habit of creeping into Mammy and Daddy Balloon’s bed in the middle of the night. Daddy Balloon was very unhappy and told Baby Balloon to stay in his own bed. The following night Little Baby Balloon crept into his mammy and daddy’s bed but couldn’t fit in, because they were sleeping so close together, and he wanted to be between them for the warmth. Having tried and failed to squeeze in, he decided to open up Mammy Balloon’s knot, to let just a tiny bit of air out, but he still didn’t fit in. So he decided to open up Daddy Balloon’s knot, to let just a tiny bit of air out, but, you guessed it, he still didn’t fit in. Finally, he decided to let just a tiny bit of air out of his own knot. At last, it worked. Baby Balloon squeezed comfortably into the space between Mammy and Daddy Balloon in their bed. In the morning Daddy Balloon was angry to see Little Baby Balloon in their bed and admonished him: “I’m very disappointed, Baby Balloon. You have disobeyed us again. You have let your mammy down, let your daddy down and, worst of all, let yourself down.” – Louis OCarroll

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: “I’ll drive, you work the guns.” – Paul Gargan

What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland? “Are ye okay in the back there, lads?” – Paul Gargan

The last time The Irish Times had one of these competitions I submitted 10 of my best jokes. I was sure that one would win. But no pun in ten did. – Paul Gargan

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. What blood type are you, they ask the rabbit. Rabbit says: I am probably a typo. – Ciara de Burca

My obese parrot just passed away. At least that’s a weight off my shoulders. – Stephen McGovern

What did the duck say to the drug dealer? Do you have any quack? – Joe McNamara

Why don’t anarchists drink good tea? Property is theft. – Fee

Why did the lifeguard save the hippy? He was far out, maaan. – Fee

Two elephants fall off a cliff. Boom boom. – Greg McDonnell

What do you call a vampire antelope? Vlad the impala. – Jim O’Neill

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other. “Does this taste funny to you?” – Rory O’Sullivan

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on their sides? So they can Scandinavian. – Ivan Robertson

The local blacksmith’s dog is very clever, but a nervous sort. He’s always making bolts for the door. – Peter McKenna

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Somebody who’s up all night wondering if there’s a dog. – Ellen D Murphy

Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you, but smoking bacon will cure it. – Ray Martin

“Describe yourself in three words.” “Lazy.” – Chris Ryan

Jokes about white sugar are few and far between. As far as jokes about brown sugar are concerned, demerara. – David Clapham

Where does a general keep his armies? Up his sleevies. – Jonathan Sydenham

What do you call a robot with stigmata? Padre C3 Pio. – Dan Fennelly

There are 11 kinds of people: those who get binary and those who don’t. – Brendan Treacy

“I started my diet... I had eggs for breakfast.” “Scrambled?” “No, Cadbury’s.” – Adrienne Abbas