It’s just a matter of time. I have seen the future. It is not good. They will be at Dublin airport, gangs wrapped in the Tricolour waving water pistols and waiting in ambush to drown incoming visitors, while chanting “Tourists go Home”.
Guerrilla bands, similarly “uniformed”, will be at Dublin’s North Wall and in Rosslare awaiting other “invaders” arriving by cruise ship or boat.
“Ceád Míle, Like Feck” they will chant at Cork and Shannon airports, while at Knock, the rap will be: “What brought ye to this foggy, boggy God-forsaken place?”, the statue of Monsignor Horan looking on, grim.
Farranfore airport in Kerry will have its very own special forces, water boys and water girls gathered from those elite county supporters described by the late Paudi O Sé as “f****** animals”. Instead of water pistols they’ll have fire hoses, to keep the tourists away from Killarney.
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Yes, it’s inevitable. They will follow Barcelona, where thousands have been chanting “tourists go home” and groups with water pistols have been squirting at visitors in its outdoor cafes.
There’s the Amsterdam’s “Stay Away” campaign, while it’s similar in Majorca and Menorca, Venice, of course, Split and Dubrovnik in Croatia, not forgetting Tenerife in the Canaries, Santorini and Corfu in Greece, Capri in Italy, or Provence in France.
“Touristphobia”, they’re calling it.
Meanwhile (I hope you’re sitting down), just last month, the UK’s Daily Express announced: “A new study (involving 6,449 tourists) has revealed the most scenic country in the world and it is under an hour away from Britain by plane, with gorgeous beaches and amazing cliffs.”
Yes, you’ve guessed it – Ireland. (Take a deep breath!)
Last May, another international survey found that the Blarney Stone was among the top 10 of the world’s most popular lucky landmarks.
It gets worse. Now, when everyone is so aware of cancer risks associated with the sun, it has been established, officially, that Ireland is one of the least sunny countries in the world, alongside: 1. Faroe Islands; 2. Iceland; 3. Saint Pierre and Miquelon; 4. Ireland.
We haven’t a hope.
It used to be pikes we indomitable Irishry had in the thatch. Soon, it seems, it will be water pistols, in today’s equivalent – “... for Ireland and the children.”
Tourist, from French tourner, for “one who makes a journey for pleasure”.
