Sinking to the bottom and proud to be there

If Colin Rutherford is the Ian Thorpe of the 2000 Golf Masters, then Michael Clancy is very definitely our Eric Moussambani. The only slight difference between our Clondalkin manager and the swimmer from Equatorial New Guinea is that the latter just about managed to avoid sinking to the bottom, unlike the former.

Not that Michael is too upset about finishing 20,984th (and last) in the competition. Au contraire. "I think it's a bit of an achievement to be the worst," he said, ecstatic on hearing the news. So, is it congratulations or commiserations? "Probably congratulations because I went to a lot of trouble to have the worst team, you know."

He did too. "I had John Daly in it early on in the year but I said to myself, `he's a dodgy character - he could go crazy or he could win something'." Yeah, imagine if he'd won the Masters? "I would have been sick with that, I tell you. Anyway, I read that Paul Broadhurst had hurt his finger early in the season and that he was going to be out for the rest of the year so I said `he'll do for me' - I brought him for Daly.

"Then I had Gary Murphy, the Irish fella, and I was lucky enough because I transferred him out just before the North West of Ireland Open, which he did very well in. So, as I say, I went to a lot of trouble to get the worst team." (See? We keep telling you how important transfers are). The rest of Michael's serial cut-missing lineup is Keith Nolan, Seve Ballesteros, Fuzzy Zoeller, Ronan Rafferty, Warren Bennett and Mark Roe who, like Broadhurst, did his manager proud by not earning as much as a penny this year.

So, where did the name 201 Class come from? "I work in Irish Rail's Inchicore Works and 201 Class is the name of the new `loco' we got a few years ago," he explained. (We're tempted to say `loco' is also an accurate term for Michael's managerial strategy, but we won't).

"We run our own competition here based on your figures. I won it last year but I'm bottom this year - and that's with my good team. You gave me a mention in week 22, when I was second last, and I showed it to some of the lads and they all said `I'll have to try that next year, coming last', so it might be harder to win it next time. Or lose it, if you know what I mean."

And with that Michael went off to celebrate, a proud and elated man. Funny, if he'd finished 20,984 places higher we don't think he'd have been any happier. All human life is out there in Golf Masters' land, you know.