The Scottish Daily Record was reminiscing last week about some of Motherwell boss Terry Butcher's finest moments in football. Their favourite, and ours, was the time he declared: "The beauty of cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath."

Story lines get Butchered

Wonder, though, how the Beanstalk would fare against David?

Cabra's Argentinian alliances

Where is the first fully affiliated European supporters' club for Argentinian club Estudiantes de la Plata based? Cabra West, of course. Jorge Zulkouski, an Argentinian native but now a Cabra resident, formed the supporters club last month and has just returned from Buenos Aires where he presented Estudiantes coach Carlos Bilardo and president Julio Alegre with the logo of the Dublin club. In return Jorge was presented with an inauguration plaque for the Irish branch. Regular meetings will be held in Dublin in the forthcoming months. Further details are available from jorgezulkouski@yahoo.co.uk or danreid839@hotmail.com.

Quotes of the week

"For Celtic, scoring three goals is like scoring twice as many as two in Europe."

- Davie Provan, on Radio Clyde, as heard by a Private Eye reader who was almost as confused as ourselves.

"We run around in the dark and physically it's painful . . . we panic, boot long balls and end up letting in goals that are a little stupid . . . we grope around and in the time it takes us to get tuned up properly, Arsenal, Manchester United and Chelsea are already far off."

- Laurent Robert on Newcastle's silky smooth pursuit of the Premiership title.

"I'm not making excuses or anything but everything was against me on the day. It was about five minutes before I could take the kick and there was a swirling wind as well."

- Michael Owen explains why he missed a penalty against Portsmouth, without making excuses.

Nothing can save Ranieri

Cards on the table: Planet Football loves Claudio Ranieri almost as much as chocolate brownies smothered in custard. We are, then, troubled by this persistent talk of him being discarded by Chelsea at the end of the season, even more upset at rumours of him taking over at Tottenham. What has our Claudio done to deserve a fate like that?

Chelsea, of course, continue to deny that Ranieri will be axed come summer, a denial that looked a little watery when the club's latest signing, Dutch winger Arjen Robben, was interviewed by BBC radio last week. Asked for his impressions of Ranieri, Robben said he liked him, but added: "It is a pity he is going away." He quickly attempted to backtrack, but it was too, too late.

But, according to news agency AFP, there's really nothing Ranieri can do to save himself anyway. "The Champions League represents Chelsea's last realistic chance of silverware this season, making the tie with Stuttgart a vital game for Italian coach Claudio Ranieri," they said yesterday.

Note: Chelsea have already beaten Stuttgart in the Champions League, they play Arsenal next, but AFP didn't even notice. See? Even when he triumphs Claudio is asked to try again.

Upsetting natives

It clearly never dawned on Blackburn's Australian defender Lucas Neill that the Sun would unearth his interview with a magazine for Australian expatriates living in Britain. Asked if it was true that Blackburn was a "****hole" Neill replied: "Yes, it is a bit. The last one out at night has to turn off the lights. What I miss about home is the good old Aussie accent, the weather and people smiling. People tend to be a bit miserable over here. It's probably because they don't get enough sun."

At which point the Sun sent its reporter to Blackburn to read Neill's comments to the locals and, well, gauge their response. He's "an over-paid prima donna with a big mouth," said councillor Colin Rigby, while publican Derek Howarth noted that "if people are not smiling much it's because the club are fifth from bottom". Neill responded with a denial that went along the lines of . . ."What I meant to say was . . ."

€1 million a goal

Ahead of last Saturday's crucial Bundesliga game between title-chasing Bayern Munich and relegation-threatened Hertha Berlin a Berlin radio station offered €1 million to any Bayern player who scored an own goal.

The German FA, positively aghast at the proposal, described the offer as immoral, but still, all eyes were on the game on the off chance there'd be the odd over-hit back pass or misdirected defensive header. Relief all around: the game finished 1-1 and there wasn't a sniff of anything dodgy.

More quotes of the week

"Manchester United will never die."

- Thierry Henry, before posting a wreath to Old Trafford.

"All I'd like to say now is that, with a napper like his, any wig would look good on his head."

- Robbie Savage responds to Danny Mills' recent insults by alleging that he is bald. Cutting.

"The Sun: "Soccer ace Frank Sinclair has admitted romping with one of his accusers in the Leicester City 'assault' case. His fiancee was said to be shocked. Though whether that was just the use of the word 'ace' we don't know."

- Football 365. Spot on.

"When I'm driving to the game I count the lamp posts on the way."

- Chelsea's John Terry reveals his pre-match superstitions, before ending up in a ditch having taken his eye off the road.

City remember their day

Brendan? Thank you for this.

Q: Do you know why Manchester City supporters love reading The Three Musketeers?

A: They can't get enough of that line: "All four-one . . ."

Tough words in Australia

The first leg of the Australian NSL Major semi-final between Parramatta Power and Perth Glory turned a little ugly when Parramatta's Fernando Rech emerged from a brush with Perth defender Jamie Harnwell sporting a fractured cheekbone and a broken nose.

The incident led to a war of words between the two camps, with Perth coach Mich D'Avray declaring: "I certainly don't expect my defenders to be pansy potters," Indeed. And Rech proved himself to be no pansy potter when he appeared on the Parramatta bench for the second leg (they won 6-2 on aggregate). They're tough lads, these Aussie sportsmen (except Rech is Brazilian). But apart from being a character in Beano what, can you tell us, is a pansy potter? Word your responses carefully.

Hibernians lack motherly love

Reflecting on last week's defeat by Livingston in the Scottish League Cup final, Hibernian manager Bobby Williamson knew exactly what to blame: not enough of his players were married. "If you looked at the Livingston team quite a few of those guys are settled down now, I think it helps most teams if they have that family basis," he said.

This, we felt, was a lovely tribute to the positive influence a woman can have on a man's life. Wasn't it? Over to you Bobby: "The wife takes over the mother's role. She keeps you in, and you cannot go out to the pub. You can't go there, you can't go here," he sighed. If Hibs' players remain single for the rest of their days Bobby can blame Mrs Williamson.

Ostenstad comes clean

It's a rare thing for a footballer to be brutally honest about his shortcomings, weaknesses or failings (a big hello to Rio) so we were impressed with Egil Ostenstad's message to Viking Stavanger, who had been hoping to sign him: "I'm lacking a decent drive in my body at the moment. I would have been lagging so far behind the others at Viking that the players would have used me as a cone in training. If Viking can afford it, they should look for another striker."