No paradise for Mick as parasite football reigns

ON THE COUCH: Portugal versus Brazil was a bit of a bummer despite Gary Lineker's predictions

TWO WEEKS in and, hard as it might be to comprehend, there are still some World Cupaphobes out there who just don’t get what all the fuss is about. So, what do you do? You tell them to come over all queasy at lunchtime, get themselves sent home from work, advise them to settle down in front of their tellies and sit back and bask in the fabulous football feast that would inevitably be Brazil v Portugal.

Losing lifelong pals is, of course, never nice, but who didn’t think this game wouldn’t be at least tasty, if not a feast? As Darragh Moloney reminded us, when the draw for the World Cup was made, this was the game that had us hyperventilating with frenzied expectation.

Gary Lineker, too, was tingling, promising us that “after 90 minutes today football will be king”. Alan Hansen nodded sagely, and wasn’t even tempted to pour a bucket of iced water over Gary’s head when he revealed “we’ve consulted a BBC lawyer and he reckons anything less than 4-4 and we can sue”.

Naturally enough, the afternoon’s coverage opened with yet another majestic montage of Brazil in their heyday, which is why the current lot couldn’t possibly live up to the pre-match ballyhoo that accompanies their every appearance, even if they whispered sweet samba nothings in to our ears for the entire 90 minutes.

What almost made up for the disappointment was Mick McCarthy’s disappointment, which was very nearly as entertaining as Dunga’s touchline torment.

When Mick starts getting angry with Mexican Waves you know he’s really had enough. “I hate them, it means the game’s rubbish, or we’re winning 3-0 at Molineux . . . although that doesn’t happen too often,” he grunted. Jonathan Pearce giggled, and then fell silent for a few moments, perhaps while he was removing Mick’s microphone from his throat.

Twenty minutes to go and Brazil’s Dani Alves concluded that he’d been elbowed by a Portuguese lad. The referee begged to differ. “I wish someone would elbow someone because it’d give us something to talk about,” said Mick, pining for a bit of GBH.

And on it went, the boos and whistles beginning to rise, and that was just Mick. The crowd joined in after a bit. Never again would he turn down an invite to watch a pre-season friendly between Accrington Stanley and Burton Albion. “It’s real parasite football,” he said of Portugal’s approach to the snooze-fest, “they’re just sitting back and trying to feed off any Brazilian mistakes. Dreadful.”

John Giles, though, reassured us that Brazil would be better when they had their big guns back. “Kaka and Robinho can beat players, Alves couldn’t beat himself,” he said. Fair enough. Gary, meanwhile, was apologetic for whipping us in to that pre-match frenzy. “A total and utter non-event,” said Alan Hansen. “I don’t know what I’m doing sat here, I could have been on the treadmill back at the hotel,” said Alan Shearer, leotard at the ready.

So off target have many of the BBC’s predictions been we wouldn’t bet against Oracle the Octopus from Oberhausen being signed up as a pundit before we’re done.

“He just has a good instinct for football, from where he gets his forecasts we cannot say for sure,” explained Tanja Munzig of the Oberhausen Sea Life Aquarium on Sky News yesterday.

Oracle, lest you missed it, has accurately predicted Germany’s three World Cup results so far, choosing a mussel out of a glass marked with the flag of the winning team in each game. “And he’s picked Germany over England,” sighed the Sky News readers. Oracle wouldn’t have wanted to upset her, though, he’s clearly a sweetheart. Only last week, for example, he turned to his girlfriend and said “I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand”. Pet.

Any way, Portugal v Brazil was a bit of a bummer. Although, thanks to a kind man called Denis we missed some of it. “Check out the RTÉ commentary on the North Korea v Ivory Coast game on the RTÉ website,” read his email, “Jimmy Magee is eating his dinner and commentating.”

He was too. And after his meal was complete we heard the tinkle of a tea cup, leaving us with an image of Jimmy sitting in his webcast studio keeping one eye on the action and another on the fabulous foody, as opposed to football, feast before him. We’re guessing a green bean, mange tout and hazelnut salad – there was definitely a crunch in there – but we could be wrong.

Brazil v Portugal done and dusted then, next up another clash of historical buddies, Spain and Chile. That David Villa goal? Delectable. Andres Iniesta goal? Delish. Then Chile a man down. John Giles had no sympathy for the fella, Marco Estrada.

“You can tell by his face he’s a bit of a headbanger, Bill,” he said. Frankly, a bit like those World Cupaphobes.