Lacombe's true thoughts are lost in translation

Planet Football: Paris Saint-Germain manager Guy Lacombe should probably offer free French lessons to whoever translated his comments about last week's Uefa Cup draw that paired his team with Derry City.

"We know what to expect from British teams, particularly Irish ones," he was, a touch unfortunately, reported to have said. We hired ourselves someone who is significantly more familiar with French lingo than ourselves and they reassured us that what he'd actually said was, "We know what to expect from British football and also Irish teams."

Une trés grande différence, you'll agree.

Quotes of the week

"I wouldn't quote Kipling to the lads, they'd probably think I was talking about cakes."

- Leicester City manager Rob Kelly reckons his players are no fans of Rudyard, even if he is exceedingly good.

"He wants to go to Spain and we have no offer, what can I do about it? I can do nothing. It is like you wanting to marry Miss World and she does not want you. What can I do about it? I can try to help you, but if she does not want to marry you, what can I do?"

- Arsene Wenger struggling to match-make for Jose Antonio Reyes.

"If you go back to the 70s and talk to a cleaner who worked for Nasa, they will say 'I helped put a man on the moon'. Every member of my staff helped get Watford promoted."

- Watford chief executive Mark Ashton loses us.

"Referees always have an answer, just so long as you give them enough time to think of one."

- Who else but Sheffield United supremo Neil Warnock?

"Neil Lennon has a hamstring strain. Paul Telfer is injured too - why are there no rumours about Paul Telfer? The poor guy gets ignored all the time. He just wants one rumour."

- Gordon Strachan on the much neglected Telfer.

"Do you have to kill somebody these days to get a red card?"

- Harry Redknapp with Ben Thatcher on his mind.

O'Neill's revolution

Judging by Aston Villa's results so far the revolution has well and truly begun - as celebrated by this T-shirt on sale at Football 365.

Ronaldo's ramblings

"I have told my agent I am prepared to leave. I want to do it in the best manner possible. I want to play for Real Madrid and dream of doing so."

- Cristiano Ronaldo, June 2006

"I am Manchester through and through - in my heart and soul."

- Cristiano Ronaldo, August 2006

. . . . and they call women fickle?

Taken for Granted

Twenty-two-year old striker Gavin Grant impressed Millwall during a trial earlier this summer, enough to earn himself a two-year contract with the club. Alas, Grant must now impress in another trial after being charged with conspiracy to murder last week. Millwall, though, are standing by their man, insisting he was "not in breach of his contract". They've got a bit of flak for this but, in fairness, how many clubs think to include the clause 'if you're charged with conspiracy to murder we'll rip up your contract'?

More quotes of the week

"Brellier went out to play insolently shining his diamond earrings and big wedding ring all over the stadium. So whose problem was it that I had to book him? It was a problem he created for himself."

- Referee Yuri Baskakov explaining why he booked Hearts' Julien Brellier - he was like a walking jewellery shop.

"The first time I met Wayne was at an awards ceremony. Everyone was talking about him being a really good player but not able to communicate. So I said to Wayne: 'You probably find speaking a little bit difficult, but the more you do it the better you'll get'."

- Bobby Charlton was lucky young Wayne didn't deck him.

"When you look at the load of crap they bought last pre-season, we've bought some quality."

- Harry Redknapp pays tribute to the shopping done by his predecessors at Portsmouth.

"I have never known hatred like Manchester United's and the poison dripping from their fans never ceases to shock me. Growing up in Huyton, I was taught to loathe United, their fans, players, manager, kit-man, mascot. Everyone associated with Old Trafford. And during 90 minutes of football I want United to die . . . visiting Old Trafford is like negotiating an assault course as it rains vitriol."

- Steven Gerrard issues a come-and-get-me plea to Alex Ferguson.

"When I went to Hamburg my German was not very good when I tried to explain my style of play. I said how I like to control the strikers but the next day I opened the paper and it said 'Cannibal Signs Contract To 2008'."

- Chelsea's new defender Khalid Boulahrouz explains how he came to be known as a man-eater.

"I'll take any goal any time, any place, anywhere - you can call me the Martini striker."

- No, Carlton Cole, we won't.

Nigerian side's lucky 13 comes under scrutiny

Our sympathies go to Nigerian side Akwa United, whose celebrations following their promotion to the country's premier league have been somewhat marred by suspicious folk casting doubts over the victory that sealed their success.

"In the interest of fairness, healthy competition, and zero tolerance for bribery and corruption, we call on the authorities in charge of football administration in the country to investigate the last professional league division one match between Akwa United and Calabar Rovers," read the editorial on allafrica.com.

What was their problem? Well, before playing Calabar, Akwa had played 14 games and scored 12 goals - and they needed to beat Calabar by 13 goals to be certain of promotion. The result? Well, yes, 13-0.

"For the team to score 13 goals in that single but decisive match invites scrutiny in the interest of fairness," the editorial continued.

The team to miss out on promotion, Bussdor, have lodged a complaint, noting that the referee somewhat contributed to Akwa's finding their scoring touch by sending off three Calabar players, including their goalkeeper.

The Nigerian Professional League has agreed to investigate so poor auld Akwa have to put the champagne back on ice.