Gloom and doom intro takes centre stage

TV VIEW:PERHAPS IT would be true to say that the nation wasn't quite a-tingle in anticipation of last night's World Cup qualifier against Georgia, perhaps so far down in the dumps that not even 90 minutes of swashbuckling football from Giovanni Trapattoni's band of merry men could lift us.

But still, those of us who tuned in to RTÉ anticipated, at the very least, 90 minutes – plus injury and talking time – of light relief, a little sporting oasis in these troubled times.

We even imagined Bob Dylan on the panel last night, tucked between John Giles and Eamon Dunphy.

Bill O’Herlihy: “Well Bob, what would a victory do for the country tonight?” Bob: “Hunted like a crocodile, Bill, ravaged in the corn . . . it’d give us shelter from the storm.” Bill: “John?” Gilesie: “Eh . . . who was ravaged in the corn, Bill” Bill: “I’d say Bob means the public service – do you Bob?” Bob: “I do, Bill.” So that’s how we approached last night’s coverage. A chance to forget, ever so briefly, that we’re quite probably banjaxed.

But RTÉ opted for a “lest you forget” – as if we could, like – intro to the night’s proceedings.

Over photos of “Closing Down Sale” and “To Let – Entire Building” signs Bill welcomed us by telling us that “the news is all doom and gloom”. And then Enda Kenny’s voice came from, literally, nowhere, telling us that the spending cuts were “a two billion euro sticking plaster” (go up to Newry and you’ll get one for half that). And then Robbie Keane was being asked if he thought the Irish team could lift the nation in these grim days with a big performance when, to be honest about it, if the economy could get its paws on Robbie’s signing on and transfer fees in the last decade there’d be no need at all for a two billion euro sticking plaster.

Trapattoni seemed a little more comfortable addressing the economic situation, telling us that “it’s important a good result because the morale of the people go up”. “Football is a good medicine for people,” he smiled, which sure beat “tighten yer belts”.

Still, though, it was a lot of pressure to put on the boys, and Bill was very nearly mindful of that. “Rugby lifted the country four days ago,” he said, “and tonight it’s the turn of football to put the smile on all our faces as we dream of another World Cup final appearance.” Giles, Dunphy and Graeme Souness were not yet, however, bedecked in their safari suits, their concerns about Trapattoni’s conservatism leading them to doubt whether they’d be spending the summer of 2010 in South Africa.

Dunphy, having hailed Trapattoni’s appointment as the single loveliest thing to ever happen in Irish football, also appears to have lost the faith, not least because, he reckons, the Italian has failed to get the best out of a star-studded squad. “We have some magnificent players: Robbie Keane, Richard Dunne, Shay Given, em . . .” The “em” hung in the air, until John O’Shea, Damien Duff, Kevin Doyle and Kevin Kilbane (“an heroic player in his own way”) got a mention. Okay.

Kilbane, George Hamilton told us, was playing in his 52nd consecutive competitive game, meaning the last time he was absent the country was awash with money. Less than a minute after kick-off the country was awash with renewed despair. George was almost awash with speechlessness, apart from: “Dangerous moment here . . . a chance . . . it’s 1-0 . . . the flag stays down . . . Georgia are ahead after 46 seconds.”

“Well, who’d have believed it, 1-0 down and booed off at half-time,” said a woebegone Bill at the break, “it’s a bit of a bummer John, isn’t it?” “It is Bill, yeah.” “We’re ordinary, aren’t we?” “Very ordinary, Bill.” By now photos of “Closing Down Sale” and “To Let – Entire Building” signs would have cheered Bill up.

Dunphy reckoned the team was “constipated by theory”, the only possible laxative the return of Andy Reid, Lee Carsley and Stephen Ireland. Bill felt it was a touch pointless talking about them when they were back in England supping their Ovaltine.

Second half. The referee, possibly sensing a nationwide hara-kiri was about to occur, gave us a penalty, just to lift our spirits, and not all that long after dispatching it, as they say in the trade, Robbie scored another. And we won.

After Aiden McGeady and Kevin Doyle Giles named the ref as third in the Irish man-of-the-match stakes, but immoral as our gratitude might have been, as Bob would put it, when you’ve been hunted like a crocodile and ravaged in the corn you’ll take anything. At all.