Failing to make case for defence

PLANET SOCCER:It's been a trying old time for a pair of football fans with Nazi sympathies.

Robert Cockerline, a Hull resident, was in court recently for his monthly probation review and turned up wearing a swastika badge on his woolly hat, like you do.

Justice Roger Thorn ordered Cockerline to remove the offending item and hand it to a policeman. “Ironically, being a druggie and a weirdo, you would have been the first person that the Germans would have gassed.”

He, err, attempted to defend himself in court by telling the judge: “I am not a racist. I am a Leeds United fan. My favourite player is as black as the ace of spades.”

A Rapid Vienna supporter offered a similarly marginally-less-than- watertight defence after being spotted by cameras making a Nazi salute during the Europa League game against Hapoel Tel Aviv.

When questioned by the police, he insisted that he had “merely been pointing out a rare Peregrine Falcon to a friend”.

The useless/brilliant Balotelli

“Balotelli? His performance tonight was close to a zero.”

– Jose Mourinho gives Inter Milan’s teenage striker marks out of 10 for his performance against Roma last week.

“He’s ready! There’s no comparison to other Italian strikers! He is an extraordinary talent!”

– Giuseppe Bergomi (World Cup winner in 1982) on the same fella.

A tight fit in new jersey

Nations that have already qualified for the World Cup finals – huh, it’s well for some – have been busying themselves launching new kits especially for the tournament.

Beauty is, of course, in the eye of the beholder, but we’re a bit unconvinced by Mexico’s shirt, what with its sparkly material, pointy shoulders and a fit so tight it’s a wonder the model was able to breathe.

Quotes of the week . . .

"He's stopped putting things in his throat, basically. It's quite simple."

– Sunderland boss Steve Bruce on Andy Reid's dietary secrets.

"I hope that when they get the syringe in the bottom, the needle will be so thick that they'll still feel it when they play."

– Belgian 'Flu Commissioner' Marc Van Ranst on news that the country's football clubs have been able to stock up on the swine flu vaccine, while vulnerable groups are still waiting for a supply.

"Football is concrete. We are not a theatre, La Scala or Madison Square Garden – it's football. Football is ball, pitch, opponent and mentality, that's football. Results are results, a show is a show and results are different to the show. That is our belief."

– Giovanni Trapattoni, more 'Arry Stotle than 'Arry Redknapp.

"In the past, some managers have gone to tarot readers. But I am a believer and I believe in other things. Help yourself and God will help you as well. But I'm not God, I'm not St Patrick, I'm human."

– 'Arry Stotle again.

"Phil Brown was flavour of the month last year."

– Blackpool boss Ian Holloway lending some support to the under-pressure Hull boss, in his very own and truly inimitable way.

Eoin giving guide dogs a hand

In the build-up to the games against France we were reminded that Eoin Hand was the last manager to lead Ireland to victory over the French, a 3-2 World Cup qualifying win at Lansdowne Road back in October 1981. (Look away now: Aiden McGeady was five years away from being born).

“That particular day, Eoin was adamant that we could beat them, he probably believed it more than some of the players,” said Mark Lawrenson, who featured in midfield that day.

As a belated thank you, if you like, Lawrenson is urging all and sundry to pay a visit to www.guidedogs.ie to buy a CD by the name of After the Ball, featuring the dulcet singing tones of none other than Eoin Hand. All proceeds go to Irish Guide Dogs for the Blind.

More Quotes of the Week . . .

“I offered to shave my beard and put on some make-up and then I’d have looked like my missus. What worries me slightly is that when I suggested it, some said I might get away with it.”

– Derby’s Robbie ‘Lily’ Savage on discovering he’d brought his wife’s passport to the airport for the club’s trip to Amsterdam.

“I can have a spectacular game but nobody guarantees me I will be starting the next match. It shatters your confidence.”

– Manchester United’s Nani, whose last spectacular game was, well, nope, can’t recall a single one.

“If we score three goals, and don’t concede any, then the probability of our qualification for the World Cup will nearly be guaranteed. However, for the sake of objectivity, it is unlikely to happen.”

– Andrey Arshavin with a rather quirky preview of Russia’s play-off against Slovenia.

“We all want to keep our heads down and do as well as we can. There are times when you can’t. We’re all human at the end of the day. But it’s difficult keeping your head down at six feet seven.”

– Peter Crouch, struggling to get lost in the England crowd.