Mary Hannigan TV View"Vot about ze preparations, is everyzing fine," asked Rainer Pariasek. Austrian telly's version of Bill O'Herlihy, as we awaited the draw for Euro 2008.
"All ze eight stadiums are totally already fine anz ze preparations for ze Uefa Euro 2008 goes alzo smoothly and wery well," said a beaming Ralph Zloczower, president of the Swiss football association.
Friedrich Stickler, Ralph's Austrian counterpart, was no less enthuziaztic. "Well I would say it is getting emotional, it's the slogan of the tournament - Expect Emotions! - they are there I would say, so we are full in an emotional sense."
Friedrich wasn't the only one full in an emotional sense, George Hamilton was a bit that way too. Hauled out of bed early-ish on a Sunday morning to commentate on a draw for which Ireland failed to qualify . . . well, it's like been told you have to peek through a window to catch a glimpse of the mother of all parties, to which you have not been inwited.
In fairness to George he was magnanimous about it all, although he did introduce Rainer's co-presenter as "former Miss Switzerland Melanie Vinegar" when her surname was, in fact, Winiger. George, evidently, had been spending too much in the company of Ralph.
We liked Melanie. Not least when she translated Austrian captain Andreas Ivanschitz's verdict on the tournament's official ball. "He says he has a very intimate relationship with the ball, and he says the surface of the ball has a kind of goosebumps and that helps the football player to control the football," she said. "Is that right," she asked Andreas.
Andreas nodded cheerfully, but if Melanie had asked him "is Spongebob Square Pants your daddy?" he'd have responded in the same fashion, to be honest.
The draw. Germany in with Austria. And Poland. "Ladies and gentlemen, vot a derby," Rainer gasped. "Germany and Austria is interesting," said Ray Stubbs to Mark Lawrenson over on the BBC. "And throw Poland in the mix too," said Lawro. It was precisely that kind of attitude that buggered up Europe between 1939 and 1945.
Anyway, Germany and the Czech Republic's managers pretended they'd been drawn in werry tough groups - awoiding Italy, France, Spain, Holland and the like - raising their eyebrows and mouthing "OH NO!" (in, eh, German and Czech) when the cameras zoomed in on them, and at that point we could take no more. Much too painful. What we needed, we decided, to numb the non-qualifying pain was a new manager who would guarantee us happier days ahead.
Like Tel Wenables?
"Absolutely," the Dunph didn't say when Billo asked him for his opinion on the issue on Tuesday night. It was when the Dunph whipped out his spectacles to read the documentation piled on the desk before him that we suspected he might just be assembling a case against Tel being the answer to our non-qualifying problems.
"The Irish public needs to know everything about this man and I've been doing my homework the last 10 days," he said, at which point Graeme Souness, sitting to the Dunph's left, whispered to himself: "Oh dear."
The Dunph wanted a man "who compares with Brian Cody in Kilkenny and Eddie O'Sullivan" and suggested Tel carried more baggage than your average Dublin Airport carousel on a July afternoon. The man's "CV is riddled with failure", and that if he was appointed "we're buggered".
"If we have any self-respect we will NOT take Terry Venables," he added.
Billo, sensing Graeme's discomfort, decided to be sensitive. "What do you think about Venables . . . do you want the Irish job?" was the gist.
"Eh," said Graeme.
"Or would you prefer the Scottish post?"
"Eh," said Graeme.
"A savage loves his native heath," said Billo.
Graeme bristled. And narrowed his glare. The last man to call him a savage spent eight months in Glasgow Royal Infirmary, his legs discharged four months later.
Over on Sky yesterday Tel was in charge of England against the Rest of the World in a PFA charity match in Manchester. His team lost.
What about Ireland, Tel?
"I woz asked if I've 'eard from Eye-land - I avn't even heard from Scotland," he chortled, sounding more like the Apres Match Tel than Tel himself.
At that point vee verr full in an emotional sense, thinking maybe . . . dunno . . . should we awoid Tel? Or should we opt for irking the Dunph, appoint him, and sit back and enjoy the entertainment? Hmm, tempting.
