David, Verne and Gary leave us feeling a little green

EMERALD ISLE CLASSIC: YOU HAVE to say, Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson earn their money, by the end of Saturday's Emerald Isle Classic on ESPN America it seemed like the presenters had been on our screens since 1983.

A very lengthy tourist ad it was for Ireland, then, although the sight of the Aviva, all those yachts on the Liffey and a bunch of swanky new-ish buildings must have confused watching Americans who’d heard we’re struggling.

At times, though, Navy being Notre Dame’s opponents, the promotion of Ireland had to play second fiddle to the promotion of the might of the American military, a topic always close to the heart of David Feherty, the Bangor-born one-time-golfer who now calls American telly home.

“It’s hard to think of anything more American than the young midshipmen of the Navy, who, as one of the five branches of the US military, are part of the greatest force for good in the world,” he said.

“And anyone who disagrees with that probably doesn’t like football,” he added, the logic escaping us entirely. Maybe he assumes, say, Iraqis and Afghans aren’t big in to the sport? Who knows.

But a spectacular affair it was, our leader even turning up pitch-side after the first quarter to say hello to America. “I’m here with the Prime Minister of Ireland, Enda Kenny,” beamed our reporter Tracy Wolfson, “also known as Un Teashack.” Un Teashack said a few words, and then it was back to Verne and Gary, Gary telling us about the fun time he’d had driving around Ireland all week.

“It was a miracle he made his way anywhere in Ireland,” said Feherty, “if you ask for directions in this country the answer you usually get is (cue begorrah accent): ‘Well now, if I was trying to get there, I wouldn’t be starting here.’”

Verne and Gary’s sides needed re-stitching, they howled, as they did again when Feherty explained Gaelic games to them. “Hurling looks like a cross between lacrosse and second degree manslaughter and Gaelic football looks like there’s a riot on the pitch and somebody threw a soccer ball in.”

Did Feherty play either sport in his youth, Verne wanted to know. No, he said. “In the north of Ireland both Gaelic and hurley were seldom played, it was rugby and cricket.” He mustn’t have got out much in his North of Ireland days.

Next, he found none other than Brian O’Driscoll sitting in the stands, so he plonked himself beside him for a chat. O’Driscoll was certainly enjoying the spectacle, but half implied that rugby players are braver – no helmets and less padding – and a bit fitter. “I remember seeing the Superbowl a few years ago and someone needing oxygen after a 90 metre run,” he said.

Verne and Gary moved on.

More excitement when the pitch was invaded by a chap who looked familiar, the penny finally dropping when we recalled he was the fella who interrupted Webb Simpson’s TV chat after winning the US Open. “Enjoy the jail cell pal,” Simpson said to him as he was hauled away, but he must have got early release because here he was in Dublin.

The commentators were amused – “We’ve got an Irish jig in the end zone!” “How many Guinnesses do you think he’s had?!” – assuming ‘Jungle Bird’ (an anti-deforestation activist) was a trolleyed local, despite the fact he was wearing a Union Jack hat.

Navy, as it proved, could probably have done with Jungle Bird as an offensive guard, losing, as they did, 10-50. They might be part of the greatest force for good in the world, but they evidently need to brush up on their football.

As do the Irish when it comes to their American football knowledge, according to Feherty. “One of the spectators – clearly a real Irishman – asked me: why are all the receivers wide, don’t you have any tall ones?” He must be broke from buying Christmas crackers, this fella.

But he enjoyed his trip, although he told Verne and Gary he’d be happy enough when it was done. “It took me 37 years to escape this place. I still get a wee bit nervous at immigration every time I come back in case they make me stay. Not that I don’t love Ireland – and it’ll be even nicer when it’s finished. But I’m an American now.” Safe home, David. And Verne and Gary.