Crucial GAA questions you already know answers to

In what way does the current Dublin football team play the game of Gaelic football?

The way it’s meant to be played.

What has the emergence of Clare as All-Ireland hurling champions been good for?

The game in general.

In what area of horticultural neglect will some team – most probably Kilkenny or Kerry– have been waiting all summer?

The long grass.

What group of cardiovascular challenged GAA fans is the Ulster football championship most definitely not for?

The faint hearted.

What state of underfoot conditions do inter-county stars profess to love?

The hard ground.

Collectively, which hours do all GAA stars also profess to love training during?

The long evenings.

What olfactory sensation do the players associate with the onset of the championship season?

The smell of cut grass.

Which hallucinatory image is often used to portray the effect that the combination of the hard ground, the cut grass, the long evenings and sense of camaraderie has on teams?

The boys flying in training.

What speed and mood will invariably sum up the opening ten minutes of any Munster hurling championship?

Fast and furious.

Where will any ball you drive down the throats of the Kilkenny half-back line come?

Straight back at you.

What do the elite hurling full back lines always refuse to take?

Any prisoners.

What particular GAA constituency is heavily prone to feelings of alienation?

The grassroots.

What does no right-thinking GAA person want to see, under any circumstances?

Pay for play.

But what does Croke Park make from the All-Ireland championships?

Millions.

What is special about Croke Park?

It’s where all players want to play.

What do some commentators feel it gives the Dublin GAA teams?

An unfair advantage.

By their ultra competitive nature and popularity, what do Gaelic games place on players?

Incredible demands.

What globally popular and highly lucrative sport has the GAA gone like in terms of fitness levels?

Soccer.

And what can international sports stars not believe when they are told about the amateur ethos of the GAA?

That the players don’t get paid.

The social element What will all GAA stars find themselves doing on Monday mornings regardless of whether they win, lose or draw on Sunday?

Getting up and going to work.

What day marks the sole exception to this rule?

A bank holiday.

And what jovial aspect of GAA culture do former players worry has gone out of the game completely?

The social element.

What social activity common to their playing epoch has all but disappeared?

The few pints after a game.

What negative trait is President Liam O’Neill, like all GAA presidents before him, determined to drive out of our games?

Cynicism.

And what has the invention of the black card managed to do with an efficiency not seen since St Patrick banished the snakes?

The black card has driven the cynicism out of the game.

What, above all else, does the Leinster hurling championship need to be?

Competitive.

And what has the notional relocation of Galway to the province of Leinster made that provincial championship?

Competitive again.

What needs to be done about Offaly as a declining GAA force?

Something.

And when should this something be done?

Urgently.

Spiritual phenomenon What do managers not mind a bit of as long as it is fair?

Criticism.

And what do all managers and players vehemently not care about in the days before a game?

What is written about them in the ‘papers.

Yet what slight do all managers whose team achieves an unexpected victory refer to as a key motivating factor?

Being written off all week.

By who?

Everybody.

And what do these blasé dismissals make the players want to do?

Prove everybody wrong.

What spiritual phenomenon do winning managers often note that they experienced on the bus on the way up here today?

A good feeling.

If teams are not putting in the requisite effort at training, who are they ultimately fooling?

They are only codding themselves.

Into which nihilistic void do county players preparing for a knockout qualifying match often find themselves staring?

The abyss.

What precarious mountaineering extreme is frequently ascribed to teams under severe pressure in the first half frequently?

Just hanging on.

What way will any self-regarding manager never leave any solid, non-mineral matter made of rock which he happens to encounter over course of the season?

Unturned.

What effect will an All-Ireland win for the Clare hurlers have on bovine practice in the farming strongholds of the county?

The cows won’t be milked.

For how long?

One week.

What does the All-Ireland winning captain apologetically acknowledge he is leaving during his speech?

A few people out.

What cannot you put on the feeling of winning an All-Ireland championship?

Words.