Another year on the merry-go-round

Doing his thing: It's probably not easy for brilliant sports folk to find the words to explain why exactly they're so brilliant, to them it's just an entirely natural thing that really can't be articulated.

Still, after he won, in rather spectacular style, the Olympic 100m final, one reporter tried to get Usain Bolt to give a little insight into his performance. Reporter: “What was your race strategy?” Bolt: “I just ran, pretty much.” See?

Just call me Bin

It could be that his parents never imagined that their son might one day become a world football megastar when he was born, otherwise they’d surely have given his name a little more thought. The little fella is now 11 and exceptionally gifted – and modest, too: “I will be the new Messi,” he declared. You can only wish him well, while doubting the prospects of him ever earning a contract in the American MLS. He was born in September 2001, his Ma and Da named him Bin Laden Virtosu.

The price of gold

The Australians, to put it mildly, weren’t best pleased with their team’s performances at London 2012, not least their elite swimmers in whom about €32 million had been invested – so, the one gold swimming medal they won proved rather pricey. Overall, it was estimated that the cost to Australian taxpayers of each medal they picked up was €8.3 million. What made it even worse was that New Zealand did exceptionally well in London. While Australia recovered to finish above their beloved neighbours in the medals table (although they only won one more gold), in the early stages they trailed by nine places, New Zealand moving to 10th after winning three golds on one day. How did Channel 9, the official Olympic broadcaster in Australia, handle the situation? It displayed a medal table with only the top nine countries and Australia showing. Tut tut.

Now now

Sofya Ochigava, Katie Taylor’s opponent in their Olympic final, was a bit on the outspoken side ahead of their bout, reckoning that it was nigh on impossible to beat the Irish woman because, she alleged, as the “golden girl” of boxing, Taylor was favoured by the officials.

“When you are boxing with Taylor you are minus 10 points before the fight,” she suggested. And? “Ireland is in a financial crisis because they’ve spent all their money on Taylor’s referees.” And you were wondering where all our loot went?

Product placement of the year

In his very latest book, My Decade, Wayne Rooney shared his thoughts about being on the receiving end of his gaffer’s legendary “hairdryer”: “There’s nothing worse than getting the ‘hairdryer’ from Sir Alex. When it happens, the manager stands in the middle of the room and loses it at me.

“He gets right up in my face and shouts. It feels like I’ve put my head in front of a BaByliss Turbo Power 2200.”

Superhero

After their game against the Green Bay Packers last month, the New York Giants’ Martellus Bennett “was doing what I usually do, moseying to the locker room and meandering around” when he spotted a fan about to fall 15 feet to the ground from the stand.

“I did the righteous thing and I stepped up,” said Bennett. “I caught him, I saved his life. I tapped into my inner superhero, which I do have. I’m usually a ninja, but my Spidey-senses told me he was going to take a fall, so I saved his life.

“He owes me his firstborn or something. Actually, I don’t want that. Maybe a sandwich or something.”

He’s a Marvel, that fella.

Fail to prepare, prepare to party

“I didn’t even look at the Olympic schedule, so I said to Paula, ‘When are the Olympics?’ I thought it was the end of August, to be honest.” Which athlete was so slovenly in his preparations for the Games? Mo Farah.

Gold medallist in the 10,000m and 5000m. Fail to prepare, prepare to party?

No case for defence, or anywhere else

After the Indian men’s hockey team lost all five of its Olympic group games, the media reaction back home wasn’t hugely warm. The Hindustan Times, for example: “A new low for Indian hockey . . . National game now a national shame! . . . appallingly pathetic . . . What can you expect from a squad that was deficient in defence, disoriented in attack and disgustingly inconsistent in the half-line?” In fairness to team captain Bharat Chetri, he was honest enough about the setback: “We are not defending, neither are we scoring. We have to learn more hockey.” Apart from that . . .

Balls to admit mistake

Palermo owner Maurizio Zamparini is known to be a touch trigger-happy when it comes to firing managers, and isn’t in the habit of admitting he might have made a mistake or two along the way. In fairness, though, he owned up to getting it wrong when he sacked Stefano Pioli before the season even began: “Do I regret the decision to fire Pioli? I am eating my second testicle. I already ate the first.”

Mystic Michael

As a nation, we were humongously aggrieved when Republic of Ireland old boy Michael Robinson, now a football pundit in Spain, somewhat dismissed Irish chances of upsetting the Spanish at Euro 2012: “There’s no threat from Ireland, Ireland cannot win this match. It’s like Muhammad Ali fighting a dwarf. Ireland are going to try to be an irritating obstacle, but if Spain play at 80 per cent of their ability, they’ll thrash them.” Ha, we stored his thoughts away, ready to de-dust them in time for our “quote of the year” selection.

0-4 later? Mystic Michael.

Hitting the wall

His political opponents have long since dubbed him “Lyin’ Ryan”, and Republican vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan hardly helped his reputation when he claimed that he once ran a marathon in an impressive “two hours and 50-something”. The Runner’s World magazine did a little research, discovering that the results from the marathon in question showed it took Ryan over four hours to finish the race. “It was 22 years ago. You sorta forget these things,” he responded. It wasn’t, as it proved, the only race he lost in 2012.

Wise decision

“I don’t watch Twitter,” Giovanni Trapattoni revealed. And after that 1-6 setback against Germany, it’s just as well. The tweet machine almost spontaneously combusted.

Kanal high-five

Swedish television channel TV4 bought the rights to the national team’s World Cup qualifier away to Germany in October, but decided to flog them to rivals Kanal 5, the suggestion being they weren’t anticipating the most memorable of evenings.

When Sweden went 4-0 down, TV4 must have been having a right chuckle, maybe even a loud “pheeeeew” that they weren’t beaming the sporting catastrophe in to the nation’s living rooms. And then Sweden, led by Zlatan Ibrahimovic, scored four in the last half hour to draw the game, and Kanal 5 announced that over a tenth of the population hadn’t tuned in to watch the stunner of a comeback.

“I do not think anyone could have predicted how the situation would develop,” said an ashen-faced Emir Osmanbergovic, TV4’s head of football. Meanwhile, Kanal 5’s hands were sore from the high-fiving.

They didn't say that - Did they?

“Even now I believe in his innocence. He has always respected all the regulations.”

– Former Tour de France winner Miguel Indurain on his old buddy Lance Armstrong.

“Can anyone defeat Britain’s Katie Taylor, the most proficient attacking boxer in the world?” – The Daily Telegraph. Which later apologised.

“As bad as the Holocaust.”

– Scunthorpe manager Brian Laws on his team’s defending in a 4-0 defeat by Doncaster Rovers. He later apologised, conceding it wasn’t an entirely ideal analogy.

“I am unable to watch the Olympics due to the blustering jingoism that drenches the event. Has England ever been quite so foul with patriotism? . . . the spirit of 1939 Germany now pervades throughout media-brand Britain . . .” – Morrissey, the former Smiths singer, not quite getting in to the spirit of London 2012 things.

“There’s something about getting into chlorine water that you just automatically go.” – American swimmer Ryan Lochte sharing with the world news that he had a wee in the Olympic pool.

“I think everybody pees in the pool. It’s kind of a normal thing to do with swimmers. Chlorine kills it, so it’s not bad.” – Michael Phelps confirming he does it too,

“I told them that when you lose, conceding one goal or six goals or three goals, it’s the same.”

– Giovanni Trapattoni on that 1-6 hiccup against Germany.

“If the sword breaks, attack with the hands. If they cut off your hands, push the enemy with your shoulders, even with your teeth.” – Fernando Alonso on his battle with Sebastian Vettel – which he went on to lose. His teeth weren’t quite sharp enough, then.

“An American tourist would never have believed it if you’d told him The Gooch was one of the greats. If, however, you’d told him he was a choker, he would have agreed, since that is what Colm did against Cross.” – Joe Brolly making even more friends in Kerry with his remarks about Colm Cooper in this year’s All-Ireland club semi-final.

“Chelsea Football Club can confirm Rafael Benitez has been appointed interim first-team manager until the end of the season.” – To which most Chelsea supporters responded: “You’re joking, right?”

“They are glistening like wet otters.” – Mayor of London Boris Johnson all a-tingle after watching the women’s beach volleyball at the Olympics.

“He looks like a ***ing balloon with a ****ing Weetabix crushed on top.” – Liam Gallagher on Wayne Rooneys hair-do.

“It seriously feels like a nightmare. My house has burnt down, my brother has broken his neck, I’ve had setbacks in my life before – but nothing compares to this.” – What tragedy worse than all that befell Caroline Buchanan? The Australian finished fifth in the BMX Olympic final.

“I never said Savulescu is gay. I just said he sleeps with men.”

– Steaua Bucharest owner Gigi Becali’s declaration at the start of a libel case taken against him by his Dinamo counterpart Dragos Savulescu.

“It would suddenly catapult him into the realms of being one of the most instantly recognisable sporting faces on the planet.” – Pat Hickey, the president of the Olympic Council of Ireland, on the fame that would await Rory McIlroy if he chose to represent Ireland in the 2016 Olympics and carried the flag in the opening ceremony. Until then, he’ll have to make do with sporting anonymity.

€8,426,263.85

A decent year's work

If you take the very officious sounding Golf Channel Research Unit's figures and convert them from dollars to euro, then Rory McIlroy won €8,426,263.85 in 2012 – and that's PGA and European Tour earnings only, it doesn't include sponsorship deals, bonuses and the like. Richest year's earnings ever? No. Using the same criteria, Tiger Woods won more in 2005, 2006 and 2007, with Vijay Singh second on the list for his sparkling 2004 when he had nine wins and 18 top 10s in all.

Still, McIlroy, pictured larking about with tennis star girlfriend Caroline Wozniacki at Madison Square Garden last March, should have the electricity bill covered. With 85 cents to spare.

Photograph: Chris Trotman/Getty Images