Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Overly Keane write-up: Galaxy love their stars

IT’S fair to say that MLSsoccer.com was very, very excited about Robbie Keane’s arrival at LA Galaxy, a write-up on the site waxing so lyrically about the “diminutive fox-in-the-box” you’d imagine even his own cheeks might have sizzled upon reading it.

Keane, they wrote, “has spent much of his glittering career in the limelight as his ability to score goals of all kinds has tormented defenders across the globe”. His big money moves “show his pedigree as a renowned goalscoring machine amongst the upper echelons of European soccer”.

Looking back on “the Galaxy striker’s sensational career”, the author picked out the highlights, among them his goal against Germany in the 2002 World Cup when he “flew onto the international soccer scene in sensational fashion”. (Granted, he actually made his Irish debut four and a half-ish years before).

“Ah lads, relax the head,” you can almost hear Keane replying. Mind you, after scoring on his debut (above) hes hardly helped lower those sensational expectations.

Not so sporting in Kansas: Nielsen hit by toy doll

IT’S been an eventful enough season so far at Sporting Kansas City’s Livestrong Park, the MLS side’s opening game back in June interrupted by a man dressed as a cow running on to the field.

These things happen in Kansas, apparently.

Last week another game was held up when goalkeeper Jimmy Nielsen was left in need of medical attention after being struck just under the eye by team-mate Omar Bravo. Not by Bravo himself, it should be said, rather a bobblehead doll version of the player, one of 10,000 given out to fans by the club before the game.

Two men have been charged over the incident, Cody Wente with aggravated battery and Robert Hauver with disorderly conduct.

“For those people that have never made a poor decision in their life, they haven’t lived very long,” said Robert’s father Rich.

The club is due to have one more bobblehead night this season but will consider cancelling the promotion when they discuss the issue this week. Nielsen is relaxed about it all, though.

“It happens, it’s no big deal,” said the Dane of the incident, like he’s been having bobblehead dolls chucked at him all his life.

Game of passion: Getafe's novel way to boost fan base

WELL, as campaigns go you have to say it’s original.

Spanish club Getafe, which has only 9,000 season ticket holders, is attempting to boost its fan base so have released an ad encouraging its supporters to become sperm donors in the hope of breeding, well, brand new supporters.

Seeing as it’s before the watershed we’ll spare you all the details, but as The Guardian reported, “the film, shot in the style of a 1970s porn film, shows young women in a room whose walls are covered with Getafe posters, flags and scarves, drinking a potion that turns them into sex-mad zombies”.

“Controversial but very good,” said the club’s marketing director José Antonio Cuetara, while Angel Torres, the filmmaker, conceded that there could be a downside to the campaign if it proves a big success.

“We’d have to build a bigger stadium.”

Big challenge

A tweet from Michael Owen last week, accompanied by a link to a photo, seemed intriguing enough: “About to embark on the biggest challenge of my life.”

A night out in Liverpool?

Player-manager of Doncaster?

No, much tougher than that: a 1,000-piece jigsaw featuring a bunch of horses (some of them, infuriatingly, the same colour).

Tiny quotes

It’s a tiny little title.” – José Mourinho graciously congratulating Barcelona on last week’s Super Cup triumph.

“Titles are to be celebrated with women, champagne and cigars.” – Tiny title or not, Barcelona president Joan Laporta was all set for a party.

“It was difficult in the beginning, in the middle and at the end.” – Steve McClaren reflecting fondly on his time as England manager.

I loved London. I made a mix of the two cultures. I kept a French seriousness with regards to nutrition and food, but I added a British mentality that nothing is taboo - everyone says what he believes and wears what he wants. – Steed Malbranque, now with St Etienne, suggesting Britons eat rubbish and have no fashion sense.

It gets better

"Schmeichel had the same baptism of fire. At Wimbledon he was squealing like a pig for protection. They were battering lumps out of him." – Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson reassures David de Gea that things will get better.

There have been times when Ive reflected on my international career and just thought: Well that was a massive waste of time." – Gary Neville getting a bit emotional about the days he had three lions on his chest.

"There can be no excuse. – Rainer Mendel, a spokesman for Cologne supporters, ruling out the possibility of his fellow fans being caught short when they threw cups filled with poo and urine at Schalke rivals.

I will certainly be leaving soon . . . with bitterness and anger. – Quotes widely attributed to Arsenal's Samir Nasri last week . . . except they came from a fake Facebook page.

Hair raising stuff: Crouch proves to be no snip

WHILE Millwall fans were, according to the Daily Mirror, heard to sing "no-one loots us, we don't care" while assembled outside a pub in south London during the riots, 89-year-old barber Aaron Biber was less fortunate, his premises up in Tottenham wrecked by unwanted visitors.

Windows were smashed and several items stolen, among them cotton wool, a kettle and a 20-year-old hairdryer. Happily, a fund set up to help Biber repair the damage raised £35,000, so he's up and snipping again.

One of his first customers last week was none other than Spurs' Peter Crouch, who dropped in for a short, back and sides.

You have to say fair play to the fella, because a detail in the story hardly did much for his self-esteem: just about the only item not taken by the looters was . . . an autographed photo of Crouch. And seeing as it was hanging on the wall, it's not as if they wouldn't have spotted it.

Poor lad.

Park life: King's statuesque defending

SPURS' (usually injured) defender Ledley King was, naturally, humbled by the decision of his home borough of Tower Hamlets to honour him with a steel statue of himself in Mile End Park.

"I hope it will contribute to the overall improvement of the area in which it is situated," he said.

Mind you, that was before he actually got to see it last week.

Is it just us, or in that photo is he thinking: "You're 'aving a larf?"